how NOT to ask out your barista

1. "the stalker"

do NOT sit at the table directly across from the hand off counter and stare at your barista each time she calls out a drink.
do NOT pretend you were 'just spacing out' when she makes eye contact.
do NOT make it evident you're just trying to muster the nerve to talk to her.
once nerve is located, do NOT ask a stupid question such as "hey, what exactly is a frappuccino anyway?"
do NOT inform your barista that drinking coffee makes you pee a lot.
do NOT mutter a "good-bye" and leave, only to come back thirty seconds later to ask your barista if she is working the next day.
do NOT walk out the door only to return a second time to make sure your barista heard you when you said "good-bye".
do NOT call bux half an hour after leaving to ask the barista out over the telephone.

2. "the flashy dealer"

do NOT ignore your barista when she asks "what can i get for you today" and continue talking into your telephone.
do NOT make your barista wait while you finish telling the person on the other end of your phone that you just got kicked out of your baby mamma's house.
do NOT toss money at your barista while still talking on the phone.
do NOT continue to talk into the phone loud, informing the whole store that you have a grand worth of weed in your belongings.
do NOT give your "business" card to your barista, letting her know that the strip club you're managing has a pole with her name on it.
do NOT offer your barista ten bucks to give you a ride to your buddy's house so you don't have to call a cab.
do NOT ask your barista if she wants to "have some fun" later on.
do NOT tell your barista that you don't care if she has a boyfriend, you just "wanna flow and shit".

3. "the creepy ghost"

do NOT write a poem about your barista on a bux napkin with your phone number on it and leave it on the table for her to find.
just don't.

barista rant: do you really think i have the power to make bux lower their prices? do you think i was the one who decided all bux's nationwide should hike up the price of your pastry an additional five pennies? if you realize i'm not the one who makes those kind of calls - then don't gripe to me about it! there's nothing i can do to change it, so just accept the higher price and move on. or better yet - save yourself the calories and skip the snack, ok?


The Wandering Author said...

I've always wondered why so many guys think asking someone out will go better if they prove what a jerk / idiot they are first. Or, hey, why not convince that special someone you're a dangerous nutwad first - then she'll want to go out with you!

It's a miracle the human race has even managed to continue with guys like that running around. Your commentary on them was pretty amusing, though. I could just picture the dealer trying to impress you by letting the whole bux know he was holding weed. Too bad there weren't any cops in there!

James said...

I wrote a haiku.
Coffee makes me pee a lot.
Wanna have some fun?

James said...

Or, alternately:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
If you make me a coffee
I'll wanna sleep with you.

Bravemonkey said...

Hey, how about some tips on how to ask your barista out?? :p

Natalie said...

Ooh creepy ghost gives me the creeps. Yes, so tell the folks out there how a barista likes to be approached?

jpdc said...

Okay, how about this one: "Your last name must be Flintstone because you could really make my BED ROCK!"

No? I'll try again later...

Beth said...

I feel dirty.

Sling said...

"I'm new in the neighborhood,could you show me the way to your house?" doesn't work either ...Don't ask me how I know..

James said...

Oh hey, found this on Craigslist. Don't know if it's any good but check it out. They're looking for writers and it pays, apparently. www.BARISTO.net

Ben Heller said...

I can't believe that these guys think that visiting your establishment is an opportunity to "score"

For me visiting a Coffee house is an opportunity to order a couple of cups of nice coffee, maybe order a Danish, and bury my head in music magazines. I don't like to draw attention to myself.

Robb said...

I like to draw attention to myself, but on my own terms.
There is no better way to end a comment hiatus than with a Wedding Crashers reference.
Or maybe a haiku, James.

Brat, I'm going to waste the rest of my work day catching up on your blog!

The Girl with Moxie said...

What about some Shakespeare-inspired poetry: "Shall I compare thee to a pomegranate Frappucino?/Thou art more lovely and not as cold..." or "My mistress' eyes are nothing like a Caramel Macchiato..."

If that doesn't work, what about some Ben Johnson paraphrased: "Drink to me only with thine eyes/And I will pledge with mine/Or leave a kiss but in my venti green tea/And I'll not ask for a refill."

(I gotta put this English degree to better use somehow...)

barista brat said...

wandering offer - that's exactly what my fellow barista brat and i said. where were our many cop customers at that moment?

james - haiku was just boring syllables on paper until you were born.
oh, and i checked out that site but there was nothing there. maybe they haven't launched it yet.

bravemonkey - tips. BIG tips.

natalie - i've actually known two partners who started dating customers. i think it starts with a little bantering, a little flirting, and an opening line of "so, would you like to go out for something other than coffee sometime?"

jpdc - i'm still at a loss for words. that's way better than the old guy who asked me "are your legs tired because you were running around in my dreams all night!"

beth - so do i, especially since LAST NIGHT a guy told me i was a younger version of his daughter, then asked me out to dinner. double uck.

sling - haha, but how many times did you try it before you gave up?

ben - you are a baristas dream! too many customers feel they need to talk our ears off because they shelled out 3 bucks for coffee.

robb - you're back! what have you been up to all this time? memorizing vince vaughn movies?

girl with moxie - i love it! anyone who mixes shakespeare and blended coffee drinks is a winner in my book.

Tom said...

But how DO you ask out your Barista?

Bravemonkey said...

tom - I think she said it pretty good in Natalie's reply - start chatting, build rapport, and then ask to do something away from her work... good advice, Brat!

(Although I don't agree with tipping better unless it's genuine anyway)

James said...

it's baristo.net, brat. those idiots put up the wrong address on the craigslist advert. doesn't speak much for them, but hey -- maybe it'll be another forum for your rants.

Lee said...

brat, you rock.
I'm spending precious time and money wasting my day reading the torture that is your day...