happy new year!

it's a new year but i have to post this old story (i CAN'T believe i never got around to it in 2006).

at my old bux there was a female customer we called "issues" - because she definitely had them, but also because she brought in four or five tabloid magazines to read while she hung out at our store. "issues" was clearly anorexic and had very odd habits when it came to her coffee.
she always ordered a tall cappuccino in a venti cup with whipped cream to the top (and no lid). then she would grab about ten equal packets and place them in a circle around her cup. starting with the packet closest to her, she would sprinkle the sugar substitute on top of the whipped cream and then use a wooden stirrer stick to spoon feed herself. one by one she would sprinkle the equal on the whipped cream and then slowly eat the topping.
never ONCE did she drink what was left in the cup. instead she left it on the table for us to throw away, as well as her old magazines and used equal packets.

"issues" was also very chatty and would talk our ears off about how hard it was to take care of her sick husband.
"oh brat, you have no idea how boring it is to visit him in the hospital!" she would complain.
my fellow baristas and i would cringe when she'd bitch about how his cancer was crimping her social life. one day she came in and said "now i have to cancel my vacation because the doctors gave my husband only a month to live."
well, her husband was a trooper because he held on for about three months. another barista was the one to tell me that "issues'" husband had passed on, so the next time i saw her i gave her my condolences.
"i know, i'm so upset," she sighed. "i haven't been on the market for ten years. i can't believe i'm going to have to do the whole dating thing again! i'm so not ready for that."

yeah. issues.

barista rant: i understand you wanted your coffee bright and early on new year's day, but we can't change our holiday hours just to accommodate you. even if you do have a long drive and promise to tip us a buck. throwing a hissy and telling us you're a shareholder won't change a thing, either. if you're really so desperate for caffeine at 5 am there's always 7-11.


mellowlee said...

*shakes head* Issues was a pretty fitting nickname! Im glad you decided to post this old story, cause it was great as usual. Happy 2007 and I am REALLY looking forward to reading more all year long :O)

Andrew said...

"Issues" definitely has issues. Doesn't she ever think of anyone other than herself!?

Happy New Year!!! I love reading your blog. ^_^

lizzie said...

anyone who needs coffee at 5am on new year's day did not try hard enough the night before. she should make it herself.

SkippyMom said...

bah....i won't curse in your comment section cause i adore you, but you know i am thinking flip off you dumb screw. [for miss back on the market]

i could not have served her coffee after that day. even knowing it was my job ....i just couldn't do it.

i have no use for people that are that stupid. she is.

fired is better than handing her dumbbehind a venti cup of whatever.

Hugs to you brat...sorry, but that is so wrong

Anonymous said...

Wow. I just pray she wasn't like that to her husband. I think it's theoretically possible, she might have been venting to people who don't know her... but I don't know how likely it was that she was kind to him on his deathbed.

Poor man.

angsty cola said...

i wonder if she had a husband at all.

Johnny Yen said...

That was pretty damned inconsiderate of her husband to ruin her vacation like that.

You've done a great public service to warn single men that this twerp is "on the market" again.

Anonymous said...

Best creepy customer story of the year.

kayleigh said...

Wow, you deal with some crazies. Her poor husband :(

Sling said...

Trust me...Issues was on Meth.
I recognize the symptoms.
Happy '07 B.Brat! :)

Anonymous said...

I did't realize there are so many whack jobs that patronize Starbucks. Brat, I'm assuming you must have a very thick skin to put up with all the wackos that come through the store.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Angsty Cola on the no-husband thing. She was using that story for attention/to get dates.

And thanks for all your support over on the 80's blog, BB. You definitely treat us better than most customers seem to treat you!

Marcus said...

equal? that stuff is gross... i'm scarred for life cos once when i was a kid, i ate an equal thinking it was a sweet and have been off the stuff since then.
that is so weird... issues... she certainly does have some issues... she should probably be going to see a shrink.

anyway, happy new year! here's to a great 2007... :)

Sheila said...

Issues is a complete narcissist.

The rant at the end kills me. To think someone out there is so entitlement minded that not only would a Starbucks open early on New Year's Day just for him, but that the store would do it for $1. Useless idiots like that should be shot.

Beth said...

Omigod. I don't know what to say ...

Allan said...

"now i have to cancel my vacation because the doctors gave my husband only a month to live."

Jeez, I wish you were making that up, but i have heard similar stuff recently myself...
how thoughtless of the docs and her hubby...can't they wait?

barista brat said...

mellowlee - happy 2007 to you!

andrew - i think she only thinks of what other's can do for her. happy 2007!

lizzie - that is classic. it should be on a t-shirt!

skippymom - i can just imagine you climbing over the counter to rip her a new one!

anonymous - we can only hope.

agnsty cola - it would be nice if she didn't, but within a couple weeks she was coming in with her slacker boy-toy.

johnny yen - yeah, i'm oozing with sympathy for her!

evangeline - i couldn't believe i almost neglected to post it.

blue bell - it's a fact: crazies love coffee.

sling - i believe you! happy 2007!

anonymous - my skin has grown thicker with every whackjob i encounter.

jp - you've created a monster. i can't stay off that blog!

marcus - i personally don't like the aftertaste. and i prefer the real stuff. happy 2007!

sheila - yeah, i can't believe she thought waving a dollar bill at us would magically change our minds.

beth - yeah, she left me pretty speechless, too.

allan - it scares me that you've heard similar things.