dumb and dumber

remember that overly amorous newbie who was being transferred to my bux because of her bizarre love triangle?
well, i was sure she and bitter old dude would be at each other's throats in seconds because bitter old dude is the resident drama queen and would rather die than share his crown, but imagine my surprise when amorous newbie first made enemies with...the talker!
seems they both suffer from that fatal disease: last word-itis (it's fatal because the rest of the baristas are going to kill them if they keep at it).

time has only increased the talker's delusions of popularity. he doesn't just follow baristas around and talk their heads off - now he's performing for us. he takes every chance to dazzle us with his biting (translation: dumb) wit and keen (translation: full of himself) perspective.
i was taking a ten in the backroom when he was restocking cups. now, most people come in the backroom, grab whatever sleeve of cups they need, and are back out on the floor in a matter of seconds. but not the talker.
"which one do i need - oh there are the grande cups! you little devils thought you were hiding from me didn't you? you can't hide from me! i'll hunt you down until i find every last one of you! wait, you're not a sleeve of grande cups! what's a sleeve of tall cups doing in the grande cup box? brat! this is so weird! i was stocking grande cups and there's a sleeve of tall cups hiding in the box!"

and that's the abridged version.

it's also why the rest of us don't try and get the last word in with the talker: because it would only invite another twenty pages of dialogue from him.
amorous newbie, on the other hand, can't live unless the last statement of a conversation comes from her lips, which the talker takes as a request for him to talk some more. so she hits him with another crude last word and he responds with a bitchy oratory.
believe me, it's a vicious cycle.

it's gotten so bad that newly promoted manager has threatened to send one or both of them home with write-ups.

so now their conversations sound like this:
the talker: "i'm not getting sent home because of you - i need all my hours."
amorous newbie: "what, like i don't need mine?"
the talker: "well, it's because of you that the manager has threatened to send us home."
amorous newbie: "yeah - like you're some innocent bystander."
the talker: "all i'm saying is i never had this problem before you were transferred here."
amorous newbie: "how i wish that was all you were saying. dude! you never shut your mouth."
the talker: "me? what about you? you talk more than anyone i've ever met."
amorous newbie: "well you should stand in front of a mirror and get self-acquainted."
the talker: "what? you don't even make sense!"
amorous newbie: "just because you don't get it doesn't mean i don't make sense."
the talker: "whatever. just quit talking to me. i don't want to get sent home because of you."
amorous newbie: "what, like i want to get sent home?"
and on, and on, and on....

barista rant: don't ask me to put "just a touch" of cinnamon powder in your latte, and then complain that i didn't add enough. first off - there's cinnamon powder at the condiment bar, so you should be the one adding it to your drink. second - what the hell do you think "just a touch" means? because when you twisted the top off the cinnamon powder container and dumped about an inch into your drink, i would suggest that is far more than "just a touch".


SkippyMom said...

Four words:

Skin colored duct tape.*

*Athstetically [sp?] pleasing and socially correct in this instance

The Pensive Penguin said...

Aesthetically, skippymom.

sorry, not being a bitch, just helping out.

I work with someone who won't ever ever ever stop talking either, but you have it easy if yours is only making inane conversation with the merchandise. My coworker is complaining endlessly about ALL this WORK he has to do. And not only does he complain endlessly about it, he doesn't do it either. Maybe the talker narrates and has a conversation with the grande cups, but at least he stocks them in the meantime. My coworker complains about having to polish silverware and fold napkins while standing next to a tray of unpolished silverware and stack of unfolded napkins.

I guess there are bad coworkers with nasty attitudes everywhere though... Too bad.

Natalie said...

Reality is so much more interesting than soap operas.

Anonymous said...

I agree with your choice of titles for this post. "Dumb and Dumber" seems to fit perfectly!!!

Hang in there.........


Evangeline said...

I'm going to request "No More Words" by Berlin for you over at Here's The 80's.

mellowlee said...

Oh LORD that killed me haha! It was the first line repeated in the last line what did it heehee!

Anonymous said...

OMG Brat, I am so sorry about the talkers! Except for
Scratchers there is nothing worse.
:) Liz

Anonymous said...

Gahahahaha...that is hilarious. they could set up something like the punch and judy show! with all the things that happen to ya, i sometimes wish i could be working at your bux. but then they DO say, be careful what you wish for.


bored-rista :)

little miss said...

Oh Brat. One day I want you to just let it all out at one of your coworkers. You, unlike the talker, are actually in possession of biting wit, and it would make my week to get to read an account it being set loose in your Bux. Please do it!



Anonymous said...

We have a talker at my Bux, too. But the kicker with her is that she is partially deaf in one ear, which means she has no concept of volume. So she practically screams the stories of her dog, boyfriend, sex life, ailments, etc.

jp said...

I do have to say, amorous newbie had some pretty good comebacks. If unable to shut the F up at least be witty.

Anonymous said...

how funny... talking to the stock round the back... i don't get people who do that. if you've watched Family Guy, there's an episode where Peter starts narrating everything and this kinda reminded me of that...

i guess people like this make work just that much more colourful!

- Marcus.

slskenyon said...

Wow--and yes, I can completely imagine that scenario with perfect clarity. I always hated people like your "talker," ones who apparently can't ever get enough attention, who are so obviously begging for it, it is ridiculous, and because of that, have no concept of anyone else but themselves. You should lock the "talker" and the "armorous newbie" in the stockroom and see what happens.

Lorraine said...

Appropos of nothing, Brat, thanks for the link to the 80s blog!

Sling said...

..if only the last word was indeed,the last word..

Writeprocrastinator said...

"the talker: "whatever. just quit talking to me. i don't want to get sent home because of you."
amorous newbie: "what, like i want to get sent home?"
and on, and on, and on...."

Dang, it's like that Buggs Bunny routine:

Shuddap? Some people don't know when to shut up, but I know when to shut up. They'll just keep talking and talking and talking-

Shuddap, shuting up, rabbit!