11.19.2006

peek-a-ball

tonight was one of the strangest shifts i've ever worked.

apparently a new gay fetish club opened it's doors somewhere near my bux because we had a fifteen-minute rush of men (all ages and sizes), dressed in latex and adorned with chains, ordering shots of espresso. a few of them were regular customers and it was quite a shock to see them in their clubbing gear.

then there was the ten-year old girl who threw a hissy fit when her grandmother dared order a tall instead of grande vanilla bean frappuccino. the girl literally slapped her hand over her grandmother's mouth and screamed "NOOOOOO!" while jumping up and down. her grandmother gave me a sheepish smile and again tried to order a tall, but the girl only screamed louder (and added more syllables).
"NOOO-OH-OH-OH-OOOO!" she pressed both her hands against her grandmother's mouth.
grandmother then tried to use her eyes to communicate with me since the girl was keeping her from talking.
"I WANT A GRANDE! A GRA-AH-AH-ANDE!" she cried and howled.
so grandmother relented and the girl never uttered another peep while in my bux.

and last, but not least, was the older gentleman who didn't realize his testicle had made a break from his shorts. he was sitting at the corner table (out of direct view of the baristas) working on his laptop. a customer sitting at another table was the one to inform us of his "wardrobe malfunction". we were pretty sure his "slippage" wasn't intentional but none of us wanted to be the bearer of bald news. so, instead of drawing straws, we wrote a note that said, "I'm afraid you've fallen out of your shorts" and picked the only male barista on duty to deliver it.
the barista told the rest of us that when the gentleman read the note his eyes practically fell out of his head. he gathered his belongings quickly and rushed out of the store. i hope he knew we weren't making fun of him and only wanted to save him further embarrassment.

barista rant: if your pastry was stale, you should have let us know before you consumed the entire thing. not only was it rude of you to bitch out the newbie on register, it was stupid to expect we'd give a cash refund for the contents of your stomach. when realizing your complaints were falling on deaf ears, you then asked for another pasty to "make up" for the one you claimed was inedible. when we refused you threatened to sue us for food poisoning. really, it was fun to watch you pout when we handed you the phone number to our corporate offices.

9 comments:

Writeprocrastinator said...

Jeez, by the numbers...

""I WANT A GRANDE! A GRA-AH-AH-ANDE!" she cried and howled. so grandmother relented and the girl never uttered another peep while in my bux."

First, do they have a Hazelton for pre-teens? Because this kid is addicted, and grandma should know better because the kid was on the verge of DTs. The parents should know better too, I doubt she could hide it from them. The poor kid is going to be lucky wind up 4'8" at her full height and in a perpetually pissy mood.

Second, that old man should get an Oscar, because he knew his boys were hanging out. I don't want to hear any nonsense about men losing feeling in their extremities as they get older or anything about poor circulation, you know when your boys are playing peekaboo when you're wearing shorts.

Third, only the shabbiest and hungriest of the homeless would consume an entire pastry that was as stale as that person portrayed it to be. That was just plain wrong and wasting everyone's time and patience. If a pastry is really that foul, use it as a paperweight, a door-stop or play hockey with it, even. But don't eat the whole thing if it's as stale as a Member's Only jacket.

Seriously, Brat, you should contact corporate and ask them to install a giant steam jet right by the register. If any of these nut jobs start wasting Bux employee time at the expense of the other customers, you should be able to turn them into an idiot-ccinos.

Anonymous said...

"Bearer of bald news..."

Well, at least he was groomed for the occassion.

Anonymous said...

uhhh, yeah

who buys frappuccinos for a ten year old?


that kind of behavior from any kid over four is ridiculous

I know, my seven year old pulls it all the time and I tell her so.

Anonymous said...

While embarrassing, I still have to give the customer there the benefit of the doubt (as y'all did).

Some folks like loose boxers. They -are- more comfortable, I'll say. The only down-side is that, particularly if you're wearing slacks or else loose, you get used to things not feeling 'snug' down there. It's more than plausible that he just didn't realize. Plus, packing up and leaving all embarrassed isn't typical behavior for an exhibitionist.

I say give him the benefit of the doubt, unless he gives sufficient reason to believe otherwise. If he's back in and the same thing happens again, or if he's off staring at other customers during this, then there's a problem. Otherwise, no need to compound extreme embarrassment with suspicion. K

Tom said...

I'm with writeprocastinator on the addiction thing. This is serious and the grandmother relenting is sad to the point of--I don't know--evil? Coffee is a serious drug, it can cause major behavioral change in young people (I've seen it in my son, who has finally, and with great difficulty, kicked the habit) and maybe I'm being Carrie Nation here but I actually don't think it should be sold to minors. How much damage do
Starbucks and Coca Cola do to the psyche of global youth? Does that thought ever occur to you?

mellowlee said...

The boys in latex and club gear must have been a grand site to see indeed! :D I wanted to ground that kid and make her stand with her nose in the corner, and I didnt even have to put up with that in person. I think she knows she can get away with that crap with Grama. Grama's rarely can say no. She's not doing her little darlin or the public any favors! I feel bad for the shorts guy. :( Re: the pastry person. Holy crap! I can see if something tastes horrible, like moldy or something, returning it UNeaten in exchange for a coffee to wash the bad taste away, but that is just ridiculous! Nice try eh?

barista brat said...

writeprocrastinator - yeah, that kid is on the fast track to reform school. i'm still pretty sure the old guy was clueless, and not a perv.

jpdc - haha! true!

bob - i've seen people order frappuccinos for toddlers. the saddest case was a girl who was only about three years old and already clinically obese. not only did her parents buy her a frappuccino, they bought her the largest size with extra caramel and whipped cream.

kiz - yeah, the way he hightailed it out of our store was genuine. he was truly embarassed.

tom - the only point in this grandmother's favor was that she was giving the girl a coffee-free frappuccino (although it is loaded with sugar). i'm one of the few who isn't affected by caffeine (been drinking coffee and tea since I was in the first grade) but even so, i'm still aware that it is a drug. the majority of our customers are adults, but i do know most kids drink soda like it's going out of style.

mellowlee - yeah, the latex and chains were a good show! and can you believe the nerve of that pastry guy?!? what a cheap jerk!

Cup said...

Full moon?

Anonymous said...

For all you having a fit because the 10-year-old got a frappucino, please understand that the Vanilla Bean contains NO COFFEE. I get them for my 7-year-old all the time, it's like vanilla shake for him and a very special treat because his drink looks like Mommy's. So everybody CHILL!!