pot belly

in a previous post i mentioned my latest headache: doobie newbie. i wish i could say that since that post he's improved immensely, but that would be so very far from the truth.

now, doobie newbie is a very nice guy. he comes in to each of his shifts with a smile on his face and a sincere 'how are you?' to each of his fellow partners. unfortunately his good mood has to be attributed to the fact that he is either lit, or will be getting lit shortly after work. it is painfully obvious to us baristas that doobie newbie is not a good fit for bux, that he's only working a job so that he can fund his habit, and that he has no interest in doing his apron proud. unfortunately management is either really clueless, or purposely turning a blind eye to all this.

for my past three shifts i have been stuck 're-training' doobie newbie. sure, he's already had two learning coaches, and yes he's been given ample time to learn drink recipes, but as you probably already well guessed - the boy is greener than al gore.
my patience is being tried like it's never been tried before. several other baristas have already 'washed their hands' of doobie newbie, saying it's easier to work around him than work with him.

"brat, did you hear what he did this time?" is the first thing i now hear when i start my workday.
"he just stands there like an idiot! he doesn't know his ass from his brain!" bitter old man will huff.
"seriously, i don't think this is the right line of work for him." awesomely amazing barista generously concedes.

sometimes it seems as if doobie newbie wants nothing more than to fail.
"how many pumps of vanilla are in a tall vanilla latte?" i quizzed him for the millionth time this morning.
"uh, one." he answered while jangling the change in his pocket.
"remember what the general rule for syrups is?" i smiled encouragingly, hoping he'd dust off his neural pathways.
"uh, no." he smiled back at me.
"ok, generally the rule is 3-4-5 for hot drinks. that means three pumps for a tall, four pumps for a grande and five pumps for a venti. so, how many pumps go into a tall vanilla latte?"
"vanilla?" he answered my question with another question.
"yeah, how many pumps of vanilla go into a tall vanilla latte?"
"vanilla goes into a vanilla latte, right?"
"yes." i took a deep breath so that i could remain calm. "the general syrup rule for hot drinks is 3-4-5, so how many pumps of vanilla syrup would you put in a tall vanilla latte?"
"uh, five." he smiled again.
"remember - three pumps for a tall, four pumps for a grande and five pumps for a venti. so, how many pumps go into a tall?"
"i don't remember."
"three." i told him through gritted teeth. "three pumps of vanilla are in a tall vanilla latte. again - how many pumps are in a tall vanilla latte?"
"it gets vanilla!" he beamed, so proud of himself.

i swear, this guy makes sean penn in 'i am sam' look like a friggen' rhodes scholar.

barista rant: don't bitch at me because there's no soy milk at the condiment bar. don't complain about how 'eco-unfriendly' bux is because we don't have a designated pitcher of soy milk at your disposal. first - how the hell does having a pitcher of soy milk at the condiment bar make one 'eco-friendly'. second - it would be MORE wasteful for us to constantly supply soy milk at the condiment bar since we have to DUMP any left over milk after thirty minutes time! and third - you nitwit! all you had to do was ask for some soy milk and we would have given it to you. the time you wasted bitching at me could have been spent enjoying your damn coffee!


Ya Looblue said...

brutal about Doobie Newbie. and the rant. oy. i hope the eco-freak customers are drinking the fair trade brand in reusable mugs. sigh.

Erin said...

Does Doobie Newbie have a learning disability? No, I mean a real one. Comes across that way.

Emily said...

Poor Brat...It sounds like either Doobie Newbie is majorly crushing on you or he's just the total stoner retard he sounds like.

Either way, I wish you the best of luck. And the same to the soy milk drinkers. It still surprises how many people are accusatory towards ANYTHING at the smallest error/imperfection. You're the best, by the way! I've been reading your blog for a while, and it always keeps me entertained and sympathetic towards you and all baristas!

Monica said...

i love how people equate trendy dietary "needs" with being environmentally correct. Apparently eating chemically processed bean liquids is the equivalent of driving a Prias. i can't bring myself to really comment on doobie newbie because he can't possibly be serious. he must be acting. he MUST!

Rambling Mom said...

doobie -- I think my 5 year old could get it quicker than he can.

soy milk -- could be possible that, since soy is from a bean and it's (basically) lower on the food chain that a cow that soy milk could possibly be considered more ecologically friendly than milk. BUT if you have to use an extra pitcher, and dump any leftovers, (and use soap and water to wash the extra pitcher) for the maybe 2 clients per 1/2 hour that would use the soy milk you're probably not going to drastically change the carbon footprint of bucs.

I say have the eco-nut client take her complaint to doobie.

Beth said...

Heck, I know the 3-4-5 rule, and I've never worked at Starbucks. Haven't been stoned in ages, either.

Sling said...

3 pumps in a tall right??..I hope I'm right.
..did you want vanilla with that? ;)

Anonymous said...

You're = You are.

Anonymous said...

I think he has more problems than doobies.

James UK said...

Let's hope Starbucks don't start putting their logo onto drinks with this stuff as he'll never remember do that either, by the sounds of it! ;-)

Kiz said...

He was totally baked when you were trying to explain this to him, right? That's the only reasonable explanation... K

Seth said...

I'm with Monica. It has to be an act to get out of working.

goodness gracious! said...

i've trained people like that, adults, people with masters degrees...it's horrifying! i kinda feel like if you're hiring a green cafe or food service worker, it'd be a vallid interview question to find out if they cook, and if so how often and what. newbies that know how to cook are so much better at picking up the ideas of division of labor, timing, speed, etc. i'm working w/ a middle aged man right now who doesn't cook, and he'lll be standing right next to an empty wineglass case, and i'll be unloading the dishwasher, full of wine glasses, and hand him one, and he really doens't know why i'm handing him one, and what he's supposed to do w/ it. sigh.

Ohiobux said...

Holy cow, I didn't think that anyone could be that dumb. is he even listening to you when you ask these questions or is he concentrating on that next "fix". you are a much better person then I am I would have had it by now. it sounds like even your fellow baristas are done with him.

Keith Kennedy said...

Mostly I just experience idiots at my bux. But those are the customers..... Nice to know that sometimes they can work there too!

Allan said...

It can't be the pot...I used to be a brunch & dinner cook for years at a very busy restaurant-the only way I could keep up was to stay as stoned as possible at all times,getting into my Omelet Zen and all... I'd get 'in the weeds' w/o my weed! My assistant was usually on acid and she kicked ass when it came to arranging salads in a timely and decorative manner...
Dumb stoners give drugs a bad name.

Aarwenn said...

I tutored a girl like that, and I'm pretty sure she didn't have a pot issue. I've always wondered what was wrong with her--was it a learning disability? Dropped on her short-term-memory lobe when she was a baby? She clearly had a short-circuit somewhere, although with time and patience, she'd eventually get it--and once she got it, it was there forever.

The odd thing is that she was, well, normal--ran for student office and won, worked out constantly with her friends at the gym, a gorgeous girl whose body I would have killed for. She was very pretty and normal. Just a weird thing shorting out in her brain.

pseudostoops said...

I worked in Vail for a while, tending bar and waitressing, with a LOT of people like doobie newbie. Totally relate to resigning yourself "work around them, not with them."

cog said...

surely all of this is worth being able to sing to yourself,

"doobie newbie do, be doobie newbie"

whenever you share a shift with him.

Anonymous said...

I apologize on behalf of my fellow soy drinkers. Not everyone who drinks soy milk with their coffee is a pompous asshole, although I have noticed that a fair amount of us are. I take soy with my coffee because I'm lactose intolerant.
Again, sorry.

The Wandering Author said...

Personally, I've known some real stoners. They can be nice guys, yeah, and the ones who only do it at certain times, and actually use their brain at others, might retain some thinking ability. But the ones who toke weed all the time, they're all like Doobie Newbie.

There's only one thing worse than trying to work with someone like that. I've always been known as a writer, so whenever one of these guys would get totally wasted and dream up a "masterpiece" - they'd bring their unfinished novels to me for critiquing and advice. And they actually expected me to read them. If Doobie Newbie ever mentions having written anything - run!!!

Sharpie said...

Ha! We have a girl like that who works at our theater. She literally brags about the fact that she "wakes and bakes" every day. Ummmm... even if that's true, why would you MENTION that to your boss? And it certainly does not improve her intelligence, work ethic, etc. What is she thinking? She's probably smoked away the last of her brain cells.

barista brat said...

ya looblue - you can't imagine how many of them ask for their drinks to be double-cupped and sleeved.

erin - either that or he just doesn't care.

emily - thanks for the compliment!

monica - at my bux the 'eco-friendlies' love to display their moral superiority.

rambling mom - i love that! i'm gonna steer every complaining customer towards doobie newbie. that will be the best entertainment ever!

beth - your highs are natural!

sling - can i hire you and fire doobie newbie?

anonymous - thanks, ross!

anonymous - i think you're right.

james uk - no, he'd steal them to support his habit!

kiz - yeah, i believe so.

seth - you could totally be right.

goodness gracious - yeah, you wonder how they've made it this far in their lives.

ohiobux - yeah, he's pretty much been dumped in my lap to train. everyone else is done with him.

keith kennedy - yes, sometimes the idiots behind the counter are far worse than those on the other side!

allan - i also have a friend who was top of her graduating class, first promoted at her job and has excellent teaching skills - and she gets high several times a day. so i do know it's not always the drug, but the person.

aarwenn - yeah, socially he's fine. he can totally chit chat and make conversation. maybe you're right about the being dropped as a baby.

pseudostoops - yeah, it sucks as a work mentality, but sometimes you need it to survive your day.

cog - i wish, but the singing would just distract him even more.

anonymous - haha, i'm not hating on the soy drinkers. just those who expect us to wast a pitcher of soymilk several times a day so they can get an inch at their convenience.

the wandering auther - advice taken!!

sharpie - wow, that is a genius move: admitting to the boss about her habit.