3.18.2007

almost famous

dear c-list actor's annoying girlfriend,

yes, we know you're sleeping with some guy that used to be on tv, but don't expect preferential treatment because of it. you are not allowed to cut in line because you're boyfriend is double parked with the engine running. and we certainly do expect you to pause your phone conversation long enough to tell us what the hell it is you want to order.

"OH MY GAWD, YOU'D NEVER BELIEVE WHAT MY MAN BOUGHT ME! YOU'RE JUST GOING TO DIE WHEN YOU SEE IT! I'D BEEN TELLING HIM FOR MONTHS WHAT I WANTED AND HE - tai chi, non-dairy - FINALLY CAME HOME WITH THE BLUE BOX YESTERDAY! " is not a drink we carry at bux.
neither is a 'tai chi, non-dairy'.

responding to the question 'what size would you like?' by tossing a five-dollar bill at us does not inspire us to 'chop, chop!' when making your drink. bitching at the barista because he was supposed to read your mind and know you wanted your non-existent drink iced does not merit a free drink coupon. nor will yelling into your phone: "I HATE THIS FUCKING STARBUCKS! THE WORKERS ARE SO RUDE AND SLOW AND OBVIOUSLY JEALOUS BECAUSE THEY SAW ME AND MY BOYFRIEND PULL UP IN HIS NEW MERCEDES!"

throwing your straw wrapper on the floor as you left was a particularly eloquent parting gesture.
trust us, all the baristas here hope you make good on your promise to "FIND ANOTHER STARBUCKS TO GO TO - WHERE THEY ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT A TAI CHI NON-DAIRY IS!".

signed,

the bux baristas who'd rather clean the drains with our tongues than swap spit with c-list actor.

barista rant: i know the bux down the street closes an hour later than we do, but that doesn't mean you can repeatedly tug at our locked door and ask us to let you in. when we mouth the words 'we're closed' to you and point to our hours of operation, that is not an invitation to debate us about what time YOU'D like us to stay open until. calling us on your cell to continue the debate is not advised, either. nor is complaining that our interior lights are not dimmed, and are therefore 'misleading the public into believing you guys are still open'. really, sir, with all the time you took to bitch at us, you would have already been at the other bux enjoying your beverage.

24 comments:

Gamestore Girl said...

One thing I'm thankful for is the "security" grates we have to pull down over our windows and our door at work. They're made so you can't really see inside at all, therefore eliminating any sort of eye contact after the store is closed and they're pulled down.

It's too bad c-list actors bitch didn't trip on her way out of the store. I always wish that upon the whiny scene-making annoying customers who insist on getting their own way.

SkippyMom said...

...as gross as the mental pic' of y'all cleaning the drains out with your tongues I laugh soloud and whole heartedy agree.

don't you just wish you could post HIS name on here?....sigh...

and as for the rant, did y'all actually answer the phone for this dipshit? giggle....i would have LOVED to have answered and given him what for - just for HIS being STUPID. gosh....

Hugs to you!

The Wandering Author said...

Sounds like a lot of people had too much green beer yesterday; or maybe they always act that way. shudder

6th Floor blog said...

It's a shame that even though she couldn't pay attention when she was ordering, she could pay attention enough once she had the drink to complain about it.

OldSchool36 said...

I'm assuming she got a Chai Tea? I work at a Barnes & Noble, and I remember an old guy ordering a Coolatta (Dunkin' Donuts) once lol. Awesome post.

Anonymous said...

Dear Brat: Maybe you should have looked up the recipe card for the tai chi, non dairy drink. Hahahaha. Why do you put up with these morons?

Southern Writer said...

*eye roll* C-list actor's bitch doesn't even realize she's only the flavor of his month. Don't worry. People like her always get what's coming to them. It only makes us hope we're there to see it when it happens.


Thanks for stopping by with the good wishes. Hope you come by again soon.

Chelsea said...

Isn't Tai Chi some form of martial arts or something? I recall the Simpson's poking fun at this...


{Not an exact quote, but close enough}
Homer: How do you handle it?
LIsa: Oh, there are many ways. Tai Chi, chai tea.

Johnny Yen said...

My guess is that being with the c-list actor will be her punishment-- I'm sure he's a real prince. And as someone already noted, I'm sure she's the flavor of the month.

Melissa said...

Tai Chi, non dairy. Hahahaha. I had to supress a laugh as I'm at work!

You should have started performing Tai Chi moves with a jug of soymilk in your hand, as this is what she asked for!

jp said...

You should really tell us who it is so that I can hate him from now on. Because I will.

Grumpy Housewife said...

OMG, I so want to know who this C list assclown is, so I can despise him more than I probably already do.

Oh, and his klassy girlfriend? Don't worry. I'm thinking that she's going to be stunned when he dumps her for a younger model (and rest assured, he will), and she'll be wondering whyyyyyyyyy he did that, and like, omg, he'd said she was perfect and he said *I* was perfect, like, how is she better than meeeeeeeeeee!

Tom said...

Drugs is the only explanation for c-list actor's girlfriend's surreally self involved and clueless behavior. I see these women around L.A. all the time. Catastrophically skinny blondes in three year old Mercedes coupes and far too often they have their lips outlined in a darker color. The Eurotrash restaurants in Sunset Plaza would go broke without them. They are scared and desperate and they are doing coke and it will all crash down on them sooooooooo soon...

Artful Dodger said...

I dunno why but that reminds me of the time I was working customer service at a very large mutual fund company. The guy on the other end wanted me to do something (quite illegal) and then said he knew the president presonally. I told him good, then call him and ask him to tell you the rules and to stay the hell out of trouble. Thanks for bringing me back fond memories.

Wide Lawns Subservient Worker said...

Next time she comes in please let her know there are a lot of homes for sale in Wide Lawns. I'm sure C-List actor could afford one and they'd fit right in and be very happy here.

Tai Chi - Chai Tea. I think its called a Spoonerism when you do that. But she is obviously a moron. Non-dairy could mean a lot of things too. Did she want soy? Did she want it straight tea?

Anonymous said...

There really is a large portion of the bux going public that expect some sort of special velvet roped, vip line, where Baristas dote on them like they are royalty just because they are regular customers. To which I say "I'm sorry there is a line in front of you, but I didn't ask a family of eight to come in before you, none of which know what they want to order. This is not my fault."
Also, I love when some one tells me that they are running late to work as a signal that I need to put their drink in front of the ten I have before them. Here's a clue, if you are running late, why are you stopping for coffee at the busiest time of the morning. First come, First serve biach.
Finally, if the store is dead and there is a customer on a cell phone standing at the counter, I go and wipe something down until they decide to stop their conversation long enough to order. Let's see which one of us can ignore the other's presence longer!

CATHERINETTE SINGLETON said...

Wow, she sounds like a totally superb and fabulous person. Really, she seems so warm and friendly.

Artful Dodger said...

Hey Barista Brat. I have a question about Bux or rather customer etiquette. I went into a Bux the other day and ordered a coffee and scone. The barista was going to put my drink and scone into a to go container. But I told him I wanted to have my purchase there, which he was surprised cause in the morning rush everyone was getting to go, but he was happy to do it. Long story short they gave me my stuff in a real coffee cup and a real plate for my scone. I finished it but didn't know what I was supposed to do with the real cup and plate so I placed it nicely on the table where I sat, leaving as little mess as possible. When you finish with the real flatware do you just leave it where your at or put it at the bar? I'm not sure. I left it there, but left a really big tip in the tip jar cause I felt bad for leaving it there. Can you shed some insight or proper Bux customer etiquette?

mellowlee said...

this post made me laugh so hard. People are just nucking futs! XD

John Bryson said...

What a biyatch....but I bet she was waaaaaay hot.
John

Sling said...

I'm with JP on this,maybe this will help.
"Hey B.Brat,what was the name of that C-list actor that was in that movie about the thing?"..

droo said...

I've been a lurker for a while now but am compelled to write to let you know what a terrifically funny and spot-on rendition of how many people order things while talking loudly on their cell phones. I laugh and laugh and laugh until tears are rolling down my face at the tai-chi, non-dairy. Keep up the great writing!

isibell said...

Hey sweetie!

As a former, long time, Starbucks employee I just had to chime in on this one. I soooooo feel your pain on this one. I can't tell you how many times I had to deal with the girlfriend/assistant/associate of someone. Funny thing is...it was always the girlfriend/assistant/associate that was the pain the butt. Renee Zelweger could stand in line for her coffee just like everyone else. So could Rob Zombie, Ozzie Osborne, Juliet Louis, Neal Patrick Harris, and a plethora of others from the A list all the way through D. I hope you had just as much fun laughing at that obviously delusional woman as we did every time so and so's assistant came in to fetch coffee for her boss. (She thought her treatment should be even more special because she always called the drink in before she got there.)

calicentralvalleybaristaagain said...

Ok seriously, Word. Your my hero. And i would be delighted to be your myspace friend if you have one. (lucylovespaint is my url)
OMG i seriously just said that...
im going to go lick the drains now.


P.s . We totally used to have a lady with long gross nails and too-small clothes who would do that..."my bf....." thing.