laugh a latte

although it can sometimes be stressful working at bux when one has to deal with fussy customers, slacking partners and nit-picking district managers, there are days when not only is being a barista fun, it's downright hilarious. my last few shifts i've laughed and smiled so much, my jaw hurts.

funniest customer of the week -
customer: hey, do you have any of that lindsay lohan tea?
barista brat: i'm sorry?
customer (leaning in close): you know what i'm talking about, right?
barista brat: i have no idea.
customer: it's a tea. the firecrotch tea.
barista brat (laughing hard): do you mean the african red bush tea?
customer: yeah, that's the one! lindsay lohan!

'foot in mouth' barista award -
barista buddy: hey, doobie newbie, can you grab some vanilla syrup from the back?
doobie newbie (pointing to customers at the register): but...but...
barista buddy: don't worry, i'll ring. i just need you to grab me some vanilla.
doobie newbie: but the customers...
barista buddy: please. just. grab. vanilla.
doobie newbie (as he shluffs off to the backroom): uh...ok.
barista buddy: man, what an idiot. he's a nice guy, but seriously - an idiot!
doobie newbie: here's the vanilla.
barista buddy: thanks.
doobie newbie (to the customers at the register): hi mom. hey dad.

delayed reaction award -
customer: can you make me a vanilla iced coffee, but creamier than usual?
barista brat: weeeellll, i can put a splash of half and half in it, and maybe half a pump of dulce de leche as well.
customer: just so long as it's creamier.
barista brat: here you go - let me know what you think.
customer (takes a sip and walks away): thanks.
*twenty minutes later*
customer (walks back into bux and leans over the counter): that drink was FUCKING AWESOME!

clueless customer award -
barista brat: hi, how can i help you today?
customer: all your frappuccinos have coffee in them, right?
barista brat: not all of them. you can get a creme based frappuccino with no coffee.
customer: well, what about that new blueberry one?
barista brat: that one is made with the creme base, so there's no coffee.
customer: but i want coffee.
barista brat: the blueberry will taste horrible with coffee, but the caramel or mocha frappuccinos have coffee and they are both very popular.
customer: oooh, that sounds good! give me a blueberry caramel mocha frappuccino!
barista brat: uh, i can do caramel mocha OR blueberry creme.
customer: but i want coffee.
barista brat: yes, the caramel mocha will indeed have coffee.
customer: ok!
*three minutes later customer grabs vanilla bean frappuccino instead of caramel mocha*
customer: yum! this blueberry caramel mocha coffee is delicious!

partner rant: i know the district manager is on your case, and i know you want to be the 'best assistant manager ever!', but seriously, you have got to calm down. freaking out daily won't get the job done faster. stressing and gritting your teeth won't make us work faster. threatening to write people up every shift will not sway anyone to your cause. especially when most of us can work circles around you! please - until you can multi-task and turn over a good shift, DON'T expect your fellow baristas to give you 200%. especially when we already have to work harder to make up for your tantrums.


Beth said...

You have too much fun ... and you're FUCKING AWESOME, Brat! I needed these laughs today.

6th Floor blog said...

Foot in mouth was great. haha.

Speaking of which, some coffee would really hit the spot right now.

Ohiobux said...

OMG I had to hit my forehead when I got to the end of the Blueberry Caramel Mocha Frappuccino one. I started laughing uncontrolablly and then I had to explain it to my co-workers cause it was so freaking funny. Of course neither of them speak "buxs" but they found it funny as well. thanks for the laughs it was a good end to a slow day.

Ohiobux said...

alright I know that I just left you a comment but I was wondering if I could use some of your rants if I credit you and provide a link to your site? I have a few friends that would find these hilarious.

Manuel said...

yeah foot in mouth, I went a little red for the guy too....

Anonymous said...

Firecrotch tea? Red bush tea?...is that anything like Red Rose Tea (or red rose Bush Tea?) FUCKING AWESOME!

deadspot said...

"The Lindsay Lohan". That's hilarious. I don't even drink the stuff, but I now have an overwhelming urge to order it.

Kiz said...

Heh, these are hilarious... Delayed reaction is my favorite.

Side note... Rooibos (red bush--well, technically, just the most popular kind of red tea) is my favorite herbal tea out there. I'll usually have some every other day. KF

Moxie said...

Ha ha ha! Love the Lindsay Lohan tea bit. Thanks for the good laugh. Joe the BF really had me rolling a few days ago...I nearly peed my pants. I still laugh thinking about it. (Check out my blog if you haven't read his wackiness yet.)

Anonymous said...

Foot in mouth was priceless, and SO something I would've, could've, probably have done. I'm just glad it wasn't me this time.

Marcus said...

after after a long hiatus from reading your blog, i'm glad to be back reading this one! good times at bux - specially the lindsey lohan one... i wonder how long he had to think that one up!

Monica said...

Wait! what happened w/ doobie newbie's parents?

zoo said...

hahaha i already miss working at bux but reading all that makes me seriously miss working at bux all the more.

dang i miss those moments!

Anonymous said...

hi... long time, no writing. I am in the process of getting back to my blog, but having trouble accessing it for whatever reason... may have to start a new one. I still LOVE reading yours!!!

mellowlee said...

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG, the iced coffee guy story damn near killed me! That's excellent, thanks for sharing :O)

barista brat said...

beth - haha, it was one of the best times ever i had at bux.

6th floor blog - i know all of you enjoy your bux beverages. if you're making coffee on the 6th floor, i suggest you try our guatemala. yum!

ohiobux - no problem! go ahead!

manuel - yeah, he felt REALLY bad about the whole thing.

anonymous - yeah, that was one of the best experiences with a customer yet!

deadspot - let me know if you like it, or if you have an uncontrollable urge to speed.

kiz - i love it as well.

moxie - you sure have a funny guy in that joe!

jp - seriously, you're the funniest guy i've seen on the web. i love reading about your (mis)adventures!

marcus - thanks for popping by again!

monica - the apple doesn't fall far from the tree because they didn't hear him - or they DID hear him, but didn't understand him.

zoo - they make wearing the green apron worth it, don't they?

silversonic - welcome back!!!!!!! i can't wait to hear about your two precious twins! so glad that you and your family are so happy.

mellowlee - you're welcome! how was the visit with devon?

Allan said...

Hi mom. Hi dad. Hahaha! I bet that was awkward.

mellowlee said...

The visit with Devon was fabulous thanks :O) I miss him so much already!