i'm sorry i've been lax with the posts as of late. i wish i could say that my bux has been perfect, leaving nothing to rant about, but unfortunately that isn't true.

in fact, there is much to bitch and complain about, but i have been too overwhelmed with looking for coverage/training/calling people in early/calling other stores for product/dealing with mismanaged schedules/dealing with unhappy customers to post.

for that i apologize. i can tell i need a mini-holiday of sorts because my frustration level is reaching its maximum. i'm getting to the point of not wanting to go to work, even if i'm scheduled with a bomb ass crew. i can feel patience has run out and i fear going off on the next customer that tells me their drink "just doesn't taste right".

i'm hoping these next few days will be better because all the managers (including mine) will be at the leadership conference. not really a 'cat's away, mice will play' situation, but slightly more relaxed nonetheless. here's to hoping we don't run out of espresso like we did last weekend.

guest ranter, shannon: Although my rant is rather trivial in comparison to my fellow customer's sandwich grievance, I am curious as to why 'Bux lingo isn't taught throughout the organization. While on a jaunt through California this past week I decide I needed a caffeinated fix so I went to a local small town 'Bux. I ordered my usual and requested that it be melted. This stumped the Barstonian Barista so much that I - the customer - had to tell the employee what I was referring to. This isn't the first time this has happened, so... what gives?

it's true, because of the constant turnover, the lingo (which SHOULD be key) is lost everytime a partner leaves. i feel your frustration, i really do. 80% of the time i ask for an 'old school' americano, i'm met with a dumb look and a "huh?". that's why i always try to educate my fellow partners, but as you already well know - i'm one in a million! it really sucks when the customer has to educate the employee, but it happens.


customers want their 15 minutes

what happened to those customers that would come in, order their drink, pay and then leave?
why does everything - including getting a bux drink - have to be some huge ordeal now?

this morning i had to serve perpetual diet lady. not only do i need to look up the calorie count, but i have to listen to her dumb life story about how she's always gained weight easily, how she really, really loves frappuccinos but desperately needs something with less fat and sugar, and how she is willing to forgo food for her damn frappuccino. but wait! that's not the end of it! she will then regale the barista with tales about all her failed diets, about the time she tried ephedra and how people sometimes mistake her for being pregnant, all the while sucking up her venti extra caramel extra whipped cream mocha frappuccino LIGHT.

and of course there's the older man who spends fifteen minutes reminiscing about the good ole' days when a cup of coffee was just a cup of coffee.
"why the hell does starBUCKS need to rename the sizes?!? all i want is a cup of coffee! i don't want no language lessons. it used to take me two seconds to order my coffee, now it's longer than the building of that wall in china!"
of course, the he's holding up the bux line with his soapbox tirade, but he doesn't care. and when he has his coffee in hand and goes to the condiment bar, it sets him off on a whole different bitchfest about splenda and artificial sweeteners and how in his day all they had and needed was sugar. really,
it gets old after you've heard it week after week.

and what's with the kids that aren't even in high school yet, but already have a signature bux drink. if it isn't made to their ridiculous speculations, they will pitch a fit and demand it be remade, reminding us that their parents own bux stock. yeah, it's tiring and all too familiar.

partner rant: so today was the official rollout of the new blended drinks. thanks so much marketing team! new blended drinks mean more opportunities for customers to bitch, complain and expect free samples 24/7. it's a million more chances for drinks to be ordered wrong, made correctly, and remade to accommodate a customers mangled idea of what an iced cappuccino is. i'm sure i sound bitter. it's probably because i haven't had a chance to recover from the last rollout.


guest rant

tom wrote:

This is just the thing you started a blog for--an ONLINE CUSTOMER RANT!

Yesterday I was in a Starbucks that I know wasn't yours because I don't think you work in the dim feral branch in the American Airlines terminal at Los Angeles airport. And maybe they make a special kind of dim feral sandwich just for that branch. At any rate, the sandwich in question was a pesto chicken salad sandwich and I am scratching my head wondering how it is possible to make a lump of food so completely absent of flavor or texture. I kept taking bites of the puffy grey-green filling and the puffy grey-beige "bread", straining my tastebuds to pick up anything, anything at all, but all I got was the vaguest hint of freezer burn. And the best part was, it cost me $8.99! As a representative of the Company that sold me this item, I just have to ask you: What up?

two things -
1) bux in airports are not REAL bux. they are what we call 'licensee stores', stores that pay a fee to use the name and coffee, and that's about it. there is a bux representative that periodically goes from licensee store to licensee store, trying to ensure the quality and culture of bux remain intact, but of course that's mostly just for show. the airports are willing to pay the money because they know customers will line up for a cup of bux coffee. (same goes for the 'bux' in albertsons, vons, barnes & noble, etc.). i've only been to one airport bux that was even somewhat decent - and that was in heathrow.

2) the sandwich from airport bux most likely has been sitting in their freezer, then thawed, which accounts for the extreme bland taste. i've actually seen their croissants sitting on the counter defrosting! i'm not surprised at the cost because the airport bux is seriously overpriced. but hey, if you're ever stuck there again, stick with the a.m. pastries instead of a sandwich. you're tastebuds will thank you.

barista rant: please. are SEVEN sweet & lows really needed in your latte? is it truly impossible to settle for FIVE? and was it totally necessary for you to ask me to show you the seven empty wrappers as proof that all that artificial sweetener actually made it into your drink? honestly, i think the real sugar would be a relief to your system.



there are things management does/does not do that baffles me.

for instance:
- not promoting someone to shift supervisor because they have aspirations of touring with their band. as i see it, unless this person has told you they don't want the promotion and have definite tour dates, promote him! don't hold him back because he has a friggen' dream!
- scheduling people outside of their availability. um, hello? you know those pieces of paper where each partner writes out their available times to work? well, use them! they're not just for decoration, you know!
- passing the (star)buck. don't blame your leads for not ordering correctly. don't blame your non-deserving assistant manager for not grinding coffee. don't blame the closing crew for the trash not being tossed out. if you are the manager, everything that goes wrong or right has your name on it. that's the way it works.
- preferring partners liking you to respecting you. guess what, no matter how hard you try if we don't respect you, we will never like you. so don't try and talk to us like you're our cool cousin. just do your job and all will be good.

in my opinion, if you take on the title, you take on the responsibility. if you can't hack it, transfer to a slower store. don't punish us for your inabilities. that sucks and that's the primary reason everyone is now jumping ship.

barista rant: when i ask you if you want a drink hot or iced, don't huff and roll your eyes like i'm stupid. especially if you just ordered a "no coffee mocha cappuccino" and what you really wanted was a chocolate cream frappuccino. it really doesn't bother me that you screwed up the lingo. it's the attitude i hate. so if you don't want me to verify your order: learn starbonics!


how much would you pay?

the interesting thing about customers is there's no real middle ground.
they are all over the spectrum when it comes to behaviour, expectations and attitude.

for instance, today a woman ordered a frappuccino for her husband and then three additional frappuccinos. the register partner rang her up for the four drinks and i made all four in a timely manner. when i presented the drinks to the customer, she informed me that she only ordered two drinks: one for her husband and one for herself.
this is the part i don't understand - this woman thought she had ordered only two drinks and happily forked over fifteen dollars for them. FIFTEEN DOLLARS! i know people bitch about bux prices, but inflation and profit margins have not driven the cost of two frappuccinos to fifteen dollars.
not yet, at least.
we refunded the lady her money and she just laughed it off.

then, not ten minutes later, another customer came in and painstakingly ordered two drinks. she ordered, and reordered about three different times. i charged her for the two drinks, but not before i AGAIN repeated her order to her and confirmed that she was ordering only two drinks.
so, guess what happened?
yup, not only did she take her two drinks, she took a drink that belonged to another customer.
maybe it's me. maybe holding two fingers up and asking "only two drinks, right?" means something totally different outside of bux. i suppose i could have been the victim of cultural differences, but i highly doubt it. she must have thought she was getting a super deal when paying just seven dollars for three drinks.

partner rant: so yeah. you decided this summer we should have even more blended drinks. well, couldn't you have at least ensured they tasted good? today my fellow baristas and i sampled these new drinks. yuck is all i have to say. what they lack in flavor, they make up in annoyance. please, try and refrain from putting disgusting drinks on the menu that will only make our jobs even harder when customers decide they want us to make them something entirely different. something that doesn't taste like crap.


bizarre bux

odd conversations i had today:

barista buddy: "hey brat, will you come to the bathroom with me?"
barista brat: "uh, what?!?"
buddy: "come to the bathroom with me, i need you to take a picture of me in my bux apron."
brat: "why do we need to do it in the bathroom?"
buddy: "because all i'm going to be wearing is my apron."
brat: "what the hell!"
buddy: "yeah, it's for my myspace page."

customer: "hey, can i get a discount if i know how to make my drink?"
barista brat: "excuse me?"
customer: "yeah, if i know the drink recipe, do i get a discount?"
brat: "um, no."
customer: "well, that's not really fair!"
brat: "are you kidding me?"
customer: "if i say yes will you give me a discount?"
brat: "no."
customer: "well, it was worth a try."

customer comes in loudly strumming a guitar (and poorly, i might add).
barista brat: "i'm sorry, but you can't play your guitar in here."
customer: "why not?"
brat: "because it's loud and annoying and i won't allow it."
customer: "fine, if you're happy with being a cog in the corporate america wheel."
brat: "sure, use whatever reason you want - just stop your noise pollution."

barista rant: how hard is it to throw your damn straw wrapper in the trash? the trash can is located right in front of you when you collect your drink! why do you feel the need to leave the wrapper on the serving counter when it takes .003 seconds to toss it in the trash? you know, the trash can that is DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU when you peel the wrapper of your damn straw. am i really asking too much of you? honestly, i don't think so. why don't you think of it as a game, ok? i'll even give you high five if you succeed.


stupid 'just say yes' policy

today's post is one giant barista rant:
believe it or not, my shift started off really well. i was working with my awesome assistant manager and although we had crazy frappuccino rushes (and we were working with the other assistant manager who is pretty useless), it wasn't a bad day. that is until my awesome assistant manager took her lunch break and ms. bitch lady of the day came in.

while i was making a frappuccino bitch lady taps on the glass that separates the baristas from the customers and asks me to throw some espresso beans into the drink.
"i'm sorry, but that's against policy and i can't do it." i informed her.
"just a couple," she smiled sweetly.
"the reason i can't is because it's a health code violation. the beans have certain oils on them that some people are allergic to, so i'm not allowed to blend them in the drink."
"ugh!" she complains. "i've worked in coffee for YEARS. it will be fine, BELIEVE ME. plus, they always do it for me."

now, if i were already having a crappy day i would have told her "tough shit!", but the day had been good and i figured if i just complied begrudgingly this lady would get out of my face.
"i'll do it for you this time, but i'm going to have to sanitize the pitcher so i don't make my other customers sick."
"that's fine," she said flippantly without even a 'thank you'.
so as i'm making the drink with the stupid beans blended in, i called out to my extremely lackluster assistant manager "please empty the sanitizer so i can throw this pitcher in when i'm done making this drink."
"why do we need to sanitize it?" he asked.
"because that customer wanted a special drink with espresso beans." i informed him - and without attitude!

so, when i call out the drink the bitch customer says "oh, this isn't what i ordered!"
that's right. when she asked me to put the beans in the frappuccino i was making it WASN'T EVEN HER DRINK!!!
that meant i would have to REMAKE the damn thing and sanitize ANOTHER pitcher, all the while more and more frappuccinos are piling up.
"you have three venti caramel frappuccinos coming up!" lackluster assistant manager calls out to me.
"it's gonna be a few minutes because i'm down two blending pitchers." i informed him - still with no attitude.
i finished bitch lady's drink and put it on the serving counter, then went back to making drinks. i heard her complaining to my lackluster assistant manager, but all i really caught was "even if it is policy!" and "no need to be rude!"
i just laughed it off because i knew i had been nicer than usual in this circumstance. unfortunately lackluster assistant manager didn't bother to let me know that she was demanding a refund, because if i had known i would've taken her drink off the serving counter and tossed it down the sink.

that's right. the bitch lied about me having attitude, got a refund and took her drink on her way out.
i'm pissed off for two reasons. the obvious one is because i went OUT of my way to fix her damn drink, while making sure i thoroughly cleaned out the pitchers as to not make other customers sick. the other reason i'm pissed is because my lackluster assistant manager didn't have the brains to let me know that she was demanding a refund.
what a tool! didn't he realize she was going to take the drink unless he told me to take it off the damn counter?

well, i've learned my lesson. i'm just going to be a barista nazi when it comes to customized drinks. you can all blame bitch lady.


go back to where you came from!

you already well know what i think of partners from other stores that come into my bux and order frappuccinos and super high maintenance drinks.
i hate them.
i especially hate that they almost always have attitude and they never tip - which they really should because their drinks are five times more complicated and time consuming than a normal drink off the menu.

i always tip when i go to a bux other than my own (i never go to my bux to get drinks. that's just too much time at work, even for me). i'm always polite, i always clearly state my order with a "may i have...", and i always thank the barista when my drinks are made.
and i'm not looking for a pat on the back for all this. it's just common decency. i think it takes more effort to be a jerk than to be pleasant and that's why i take offence to customers that come in with attitude, and why i despise partners that are growly.

the other day a partner from another store came in and asked for a caramel frappuccino. but wait - there's more: she wanted whipped cream and caramel at the bottom of her cup, whipped cream and caramel sauce, not syrup, blended in the drink as well as some malt powder and a shot of espresso. after the frappuccino was poured inside the cup she wanted another shot on top, then a layer of caramel, then more whipped cream, another layer of caramel and coconut flakes on top.
as if her drink wasn't bad enough, her attitude was even worse.

"you charged me too much!" she bitched when the register partner rang her up.
"no, i applied your discount," my fellow barista replied.
"hey, i get this drink from my store all the time. don't charge me for two add shots, just charge me for the one. and ring it up as a tall frappuccino because the added espresso makes the frappuccino bigger. and you should just throw the malt in for me because i'm a partner." she rattled off.
"um, no. since you're a partner you KNOW i have to charge you correctly." my fellow barista flat out told her.
"if you hook me up now, i'll hook you up when you come to my store." she tried to bargain.
"not a chance." was my fellow baristas final word.

it's sad but true, sometimes partners are worse customers than our customers.

barista rant: i've ranted about this before and i'm going to rant about it again. WASH OUT YOUR DAMN PERSONAL MUG! if you bring in your own commuter mug don't expect me to clean it for you because i won't. the most you'll get from me is a quick rinse, and that's for my benefit, not yours. it's because the rancid smell emanating from the bottom of your cup makes me want to gag, and a quick rinse helps me keep it together long enough to get you out of my store. and don't come back to me when your drink is made and complain about a "chunk" floating at the top of your mug. you brought that chunk in with you, and you can take it right back out.


friend or foe

i've already well documented how customers can piss us baristas off, but what i find really funny is when customers piss each other off.

incident #1
only two customers in line. customer 'a' was ordering her drinks while customer 'b' was perusing the pastry case. customer 'a' ends up ordering a pastry that customer 'b' had just decided she couldn't live without. when customer 'b' asked if we had any more of her chosen pastry in the backroom, she was heartbroken to find out that customer 'a' had taken the last one. usually a customer would get pissed off at the barista at a time like this, but instead customer 'b' gave customer 'a' a dirty look and hissed, "you knew i wanted that and you ordered it anyway!" to which customer 'a' just shrugged. "i hope you get food poisoning from that!" customer 'b' hissed again.
i tell ya, it was almost surreal. i'm sure us baristas will be talking about this for days.

incident #2
we got a rush out of nowhere. six people in line and only two of us on the floor. normally this isn't such a big deal, but the woman at the front of the line didn't know what she wanted to drink. instead of letting the people behind her order, she asked the register partner about every single drink and what they tasted like. a man in the back of the line started screaming at her to just order something - fast. i swear, it was just like that scene in that will ferrell movie. the lady called him rude and continued to muse over the menu. the guy kept telling her to hurry it up and calling her a "slow cow". needless to say, i let the register partner deal with the slow cow while i took the orders from the other people in line. they were all happy with me, but hated that lady.
but here's the best part: the lady didn't end up ordering anything! instead she asked us for a glass of water.

partner rant: bux, you're gonna be the death of me. don't you think we already have enough blended drinks? don't you remember what a failure the tiazzis were? so why are you bringing back fruit slushie type drinks? where do you think we will store the damn things? please, let's get back to simplicity.


50/50 day

things that pissed me off today:
- customer dropped forty dollars while at the register. barista picked it up and returned it to her while she was at the condiment bar. the lady doesn't smile and doesn't thank the barista. instead she huffed because he interrupted her while she put cream into her coffee.
- customer ordered an espresso brownie, then got upset because he waited ten minutes and his drink was never made. when asked what drink he'd ordered, the guy replied "espresso brownie". when we explained an espresso brownie was a pastry and he was holding it in his hand, he got gruff and blamed the register partner for messing up his order.
- the customer who was very specific about the amount of classic syrup she wanted in her iced tea. i made it to her specifications and she told me it was too sweet. i offered to remake it so she would quit her griping. she sighed and said "ok, but i want to see how many pumps of syrup you put in." she asked me to count out loud each time i put a pump of syrup in her tea (like i was a three-year old). then she had the nerve to say, "hmm, it's still too sweet. maybe i should get it with only two pumps, not three. can you make it again?"

things that made me smile today:
- loyal customer saw we were short handed today and brought in lunch for all the baristas.
- an older woman ordered a tea and realized she didn't have enough cash. a teenager behind her in line offered to pay so the woman wouldn't have to use her credit card.
- my awesome assistant manager. i just love this gal to death. any day i work with her is a great day.
- being thanked by a customer for making her drink perfectly.
- a customer throwing five bucks in the tip jar because the baristas made him laugh out loud.

partner rant: your days are numbered, newbie. do you honestly think blaming everything you do wrong on everyone else is going to work for you? every partner has tried to train you and teach you how to do things correctly, but instead of making an effort to do things right, you'd rather suck as a barista and put the blame on everyone else. well, yesterday you crossed the line. how DARE you insinuate that i was the reason your till was short. how DARE you lie and tell the managers the reason the floor was messy was because i told you it was more important to do things fast than correctly. you're too stupid to realize that my reputation precedes me, that i'm a bombass barista, and that my managers would sooner drink bleach than give credence to your sad attempt to slander me.


my wtf moment

tonight's post will be one huge partner rant.

i've had one foot out the door of my bux for months now. my former manager knew of my plans to transfer stores, all my fellow baristas have known about my plans to change bux's and my current manager came into my bux knowing i was on my way out.
the reason i've stayed is because i'm an idiot.
well, not quite. maybe i'm just a little sentimental. there have been a lot of issues/concerns/transitions in my bux for two fiscal quarters and i've stuck around to help with the process. i'm not the sort to leave when the going gets tough and i have mad love for several of my partners so i put my plans for a transfer on hold.

as i see it, my bux is now pretty well stabilized.
well, for the time being at least. it's true, by summer's end we will be missing some key players. a couple are leaving the state, one is being promoted and one has is retiring from the business of making coffee. i had decided far in advance that i would not be around in august to help with yet another transition. in fact, i've made it so abundantly clear that every few days i'm asked "when are you leaving?" by customers and partners alike.

so why the hell did my current manager give me a pout and puppy dog eyes when i informed her that the transfer ball has indeed started rolling? why did she say "ooh, i don't think this is such a good time to go. you know we have so many peeps leaving and not enough people trained to fill in the gaps".

um, W...T...F?!?

i'm not asking permission to leave this bux. i'm telling you that my departure is imminent. i've been upfront and honest about everything concerning my transfer and it's certainly not MY fault if you chose to pretend i'd be here forever.
guess what? i AM leaving. you CAN'T stop me. and if you don't start training people fast, you will be FUCKED.

if i were you, i'd spend my time hiring/training, and not huffing/whining.


here comes the grump

sorry about the lack of posts. blogger has been brattier than a barista these past few days.

i know it's annoying to go into a bux and have the barista ask "what do you want" without a smile, much less a "hi, how are you". i'm sure you want to smack them upside their smug little heads, hoping it will knock some politeness into them. what's equally annoying are the customers that are always growly faced, no matter how nice the barista might be.

we have one such customer named colette.
colette is the coldest fish i've ever encountered. it doesn't matter that we always greet her with a "hello colette! how are you today?". it doesn't matter that we know her drink and usually have it made by the time she's finished paying. and of course it doesn't matter that we thank her and bid her a good day.
in the last two years colette has done little else but grunt and toss her money at us.
and you know what? it sucks. really it does.
but we are baristas and part of our job description is to be welcoming to our customers ('guests' in starbonics). even though we are paid to be pleasant and say 'thank you', it still feels pretty rotten when someone can't return a smile day after day, week after week, year after year.

i'm tempted to mess up colette's drink on purpose, just to see if she's capable of any sort of emotion. but really, i don't think she is.

partner rant: why can't you multi-task? one do you make only one drink at a time? why do you stand and watch the blender until it finishes it's cycle, instead of preparing the next drink? and why, oh why do you only single bag the trash cans? i get it, you have a one track mind, but if you want to keep your job you better learn to walk and chew gum at the same time.


penny for your evil thoughts

this might seem like a minor issue - but it pisses me and my fellow baristas off to no end.

hmm, what could something so small, yet so rage inducing be? well, i'll tell ya: it involves my non-deserving assistant manager and cash.

mr. non-deserving is a nice guy, truly he is. in fact he's so nice that he likes to help out our customers when they're a little short on cash for their drinks. yup, this guy likes to be the bux superhero: "what? not enough pocket money for your addiction? never fear! non-deserving assistant manager is here!"

you might be wondering what is wrong with a guy who will donate some of his cash to a customer who forgot their wallet, who doesn't have enough quarters or who refuses to break a twenty. honestly, nothing is wrong with that.
what's wrong is using OTHER people's money to do it!

here's a little back info: at bux managers do not earn tips. nor are they supposed to handle, look at or think about our tips. they get big money bonuses and we get around a nickel per transaction.
that's why it's so upsetting when our non-deserving assistant manager pulls money out of our tip jars to help someone pay for their drink. yes, he just looooves to go fishing around for the odd quarter and dime so some spoiled housewife doesn't have to ruin her manicure by picking out change from the bottom of her louis vuitton bag.

what's really sad is mr. non-deserving would rather get a smile and thank you from a collagen and botox injected woman rather than have the respect of his baristas. when we let him know that taking money out of the tip jar is decidedly un-kosher, he just laughs it off and says "gee guys, it was only thirty cents!" then proceeds to do the very same thing ten minutes later.

mr. non-deserving is already on thin ice. you'd think he'd be smart enough to leave hit mitts off our cash.

barista rant: i know it's hot. i know you're thirsty. i know that you'd love a glass of water to go with your ice cream/smoothie/bagel that you got from some other store in my shopping center. so why the hell do you come to me while i'm at bar making a billion drinks and ask me for water? why do you feel it's perfectly ok to demand water from bux when you haven't even spent a dime? and you expect all my PAYING customers to wait for their drinks while i snap to attention and fetch your water. i'm sorry dude, but you are not my top priority.


say it again - with feeling

i don't understand some of my customers. it's as if they've already decided that anyone who works at bux must be a moron or a complete imbecile (mind you, often times you will find both - but that just means they haven't been weeded out yet).

today a woman came in and handed me a post-it note.
"here, this is what i want. my friend wrote it down because i can never remember what it's called." she informed me.
the post it had the words 'tall double white mocha' written on it.
"did you want a double tall white mocha with two espresso shots or did you want a tall white mocha with double the white chocolate?" i asked her.
"what does the paper say?" she snipped.
"it says 'tall double white mocha'. i'm just looking for you to clarify what the 'double' means." i shot back - pissed that she was treating me as if i were an idiot.
she takes the post-it back from me and reads "TALL...DOUBLE...WHITE...MOCHA!" out loud. pausing in between each word, and pointing her finger in the air for emphasis.
"fine," i say through gritted teeth. "i'll get you a tall white mocha with double the syrup."
i grab a tall cup and start to mark it when she yells out "NO! not the small one. i want the TALL one!"
"you mean a venti?" i practically sneered, but her idiocy was lost on her.
"the tall one!" she yelled again and pointed to the stack of venti cups.

my fellow barista brat told me i deserved an award for not going off on the lady. i tend to agree.

partner rant: please, please, PLEASE make a proper schedule! just once, just so i know you're capable! today our orders came in - just like they do EVERY monday, and still you failed to ensure there would be a person on the clock to put away the product. what was the result? well, boxes and boxes in our tiny backroom making it very difficult to re-stock and prep. and i bet you'll start bitching tomorrow when you see they weren't magically put away by elves in the night. it is your responsibility to manage the store and that includes the schedule. we will not work off the clock so don't try short scheduling us again!


the weekend makes people dumber

gems from this weekend:

- "hey which gum flavor is best? i'm gonna take some ecstasy tonight and i want something that will go well with it."
- "i need to return this espresso brownie because you didn't tell me there was coffee in it! yeah, i know it's called an espresso brownie, but how was i supposed to know it was made with coffee!"
- "you don't sell scoops of ice cream? why not? the store next door does!"
- "i heard coffee's a diuretic so i want a frappuccino without caffeine. i'm going to the movies and i don't want to have diarrhea during the film."
- "do any of your syrups act like aphrodisiacs?"
- "i spent all my money at the bagel place, but i really want a latte. can i pay you later? oh, and i want to get one for my wife and my brother. can you spot me until tomorrow?"
- "my dad owns starbucks stock. do i get a discount?"
- "i bought a pound of beans to make coffee at home, but i didn't like the way it tasted. i threw it out, but i still have the receipt. can i get my money back?"
- "what do you mean you don't have anymore gingerbread syrup? i don't care that it's summertime! you should carry it all year round!"
- "how many calories does your sugar-free vanilla have?"

partner rant: dude, you're supposed to be an assistant manager. so why do i have to fix everything you do - even the most simple of tasks. how can you be earning the big bucks and still mess up everything you touch? because of your mistake we brewed caffeinated coffee, but told our customers it was decaf. because of your stupidity two people got free drinks. because of your inability to manage time you turned over the worst shift i've ever seen. and because you're such a coward you allowed a customer to verbally abuse one of my fellow baristas. you need to be demoted. and your pay needs to be cut.


effin' friday nights!

tonight was another friday night from hell.

some of the highlights:
- remade about fifteen drinks. all because each customer asked for them "iced" when they wanted frappuccinos. and yes, each time we did indeed ask "do you want ice cubes or do you want it blended like a milkshake?" of course they insisted they wanted ice cubes only to wrinkle their noses when we presented them with their drinks. "no!" they all cried out. "i wanted the other kind. the kind that are all blended!"
- customer asked for a vanilla latte. so we made a vanilla latte. customer then tells us "oops! i wanted it with nonfat milk". so we remake a nonfat vanilla latte. customer then tells us "oops! i wanted sugar free vanilla". so we remake a nonfat sugar free vanilla latte. customer then tells us "oops! i wanted that decaf as well". she's lucky we didn't add any 'special sauce' to her drink.
- over the hill b-list actor comes in. asks for his usual drink and complains that it's always made wrong and that we need to make sure we learn how to make a proper cappuccino. fellow barista brat makes cappuccino to perfection. b-list actor bitches and says the foam is too sudsy. i remake drink - in exactly the same fashion as fellow barista brat. surprise, surprise the cappuccino is now perfect. "finally!" b-list actor exclaims. "THIS is the creamy foam i deserve!" yeah, the guy deserves something all right, but his mouth isn't the designated orifice.

partner rant: why do you insist on making my job harder?!? really, how hard is it to remember to give a customer their pastry? how hard is it to put a sleeve on a venti cup? how hard is it to remember to empty ALL the trashcans at the end of a shift? and how hard is it to DO YOUR FRIGGEN' JOB?!? apparently it's very hard because you have yet to work one shift without screwing everything up. please, if you can't hack it here - just leave. i promise, you'll be happier. i know i will.


you can't call me anytime

besides making drinks, prepping and cleaning up the store, we baristas also have to deal with the idiot customers who call several times throughout the day. often the calls are just to ask what our hours are, or if we accept credit cards (duh! name one bux that doesn't!) but mostly the calls are just a waste of time and annoying as all hell.

barista brat: "thank you for calling starbucks. this is brat, how can i help you?"
idiot customer: "um, what's the phone number for the bux up the street?"
in my head i respond "411" but instead i actually give the proper phone number.

bb: "thank you for calling starbucks. this is brat, how can i help you?"
ic: "yeah, how many calories are in your frappuccinos. i need to know because i'm sending one of my workers down there and i want to make sure they pick up the right thing."
in my head i tell them "if you have to ask, you shouldn't consume" but instead i actually look up the amount of calories and relay them to idiot customer.

bb: "thank you for calling starbucks. this is brat, how can i help you?"
ic: "hey - i'm at the corner of bf and egypt. how do i get to your store?"
in my head i say "my name it not mapquest" but instead i spend the next five minutes giving directions.

bb: "thank you for calling starbucks. this is brat, how can i help you?"
ic: "uh, who's this?"
bb: "this is brat."
ic: "brat? uh, i don't think i know a brat."
bb: "is there something i can help you with?"
ic: "well, maybe....."
bb: "sir, you do realize you called starbucks, don't you?"
ic: "i don't know any star, either."
bb: "i'm hanging up now."
ic: "wait, i'm supposed to order a lahteee or something. is that a lady's drink? a lahteee?"

barista rant: don't bitch and yell at me because your mother-in-law gave you a gift certificate to the mall and i won't let you cash it in at bux. "well, why not?" you screamed at me. "because we are not IN the mall." i responded flatly. "well, you're close enough to it!" was your genius reply. "yeah, we're pretty close to the gas station, too and we don't accept aarco cards, either."
i said without humor. "well, how am i supposed to pay for my drink?" you asked. "most people use cash or a credit card." you didn't like my answer, but you still shelled out the big bucks for super sugary drink.