barista brat

i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo

2011-07-05T07:44:00.000-07:00

been awhile since i've posted, but the good news is we are growing and getting new customers all the time.
i've been told by more than one customer that we should be call our coffee "crack" since the flavor and quality is so addictive. and it continues to fill my heart with joy when people tell me i've ruined starbucks and coffee bean for them, now that they know what good espresso is supposed to taste like.

and for all the wonderful comments and compliments, we still get our share of weirdos. like the espresso "expert" who complained when we made her iced americano by adding the shots to ice, instead of putting the hot shots directly into the plastic cup:
"i used to work for an exclusive cafe in seattle and you are never, NEVER supposed to pour hot shots over ice. it makes the espresso taste bitter."
"hmm," i wondered, "wouldn't the taste of melted plastic be even more displeasing?"

and the seemingly normal woman who asked for an ice water and sat in our store for an hour, filling me in on all the latest details of her life (just released from the hospital, thieving roommates, recent divorce, kids messing with her phone) even including the fact she'd thrown a pair of underwear away in our trash because she'd just started her period.

and the bug man who has become a semi-regular customer (no more roaches, however!) who has been very nice and chatty, but still has a strange affect. at least now i actually see him taking a sip of his coffee before he leaves.

so, for the most part my weirdos are innocuous, if not a tad annoying. but i am happy to report the supermassive blackhole of emotional need customer has officially been 86'd from my coffee house.
it's something i never had to do at bux (though we got close a couple times) and i never in a million years thought i'd have to do in my own cafe, but it is for the best and i feel SO MUCH FRIGGEN' BETTER knowing i won't have to listen to hours and hours of negativity, ranting and complaining every week.
this customer was not only exhausting to talk with, but he was also making my other patrons uncomfortable. he became very possessive of me, clearly hating when i would have conversations with anyone else and giving everyone the stinkeye when they hung out. it got to be way too much, and yesterday he crossed a line that can't be uncrossed which is why he is no longer allowed in my store.

here's hoping this is the first and last time i have to ban someone from my coffee house.

bugaboo

2011-05-11T10:16:00.000-07:00

roaches happen.
it's true.
in any food service industry, whether it be full service restaurant or coffee house, you will attract cockroaches. it's just a matter of fact and that is why i get regular pest control service.

in my part of the world german cockroaches are the biggest bother because they are resilient and populate quickly. you can't wait until you see evidence of an infestation to call the bug man. or you can, but will have to deal with roaches for days, if not weeks, while you wait for the effects of the pesticides to do their magic.

being in the food service industry for as long as i have, i've seen plenty of these german cockroaches. i hate them. they are quick and unafraid and i revel in finding their upturned carcasses. and because i've seen so many, i can tell when a roach is of a different variety.

cue weird customer who came in last week.
he claimed to have been meaning to come into my coffee house for weeks. he asked questions, like how long we'd been in business, did we have a lot of customers, etc. at first i thought he was from a rival coffee house (believe it or not i've had more than a few "fishers" come in or call me, digging for info on my coffee blends), but it soon became clear he really didn't know much about coffee. he didn't even know how to order it. he stood at my counter for close to five minutes. it was like extracting teeth just to figure out he wanted a large black coffee.
and then he made sure to sit in a chair just in front of my register and continued to talk to me, though he never once took a sip of his coffee.

low and behold, during our conversation, i saw a roach walking on my counter. not a small, dark german cockroach, but a larger, very light brown roach. i swiftly killed it and it was at that point he informed me that he worked for a large and well-known pest control company. he asked me who i used, and spend the next few minutes pitching his services to me. he then left, without ever drinking his coffee.

now i'm not saying it's impossible for a non-german roach to make it's way into my store. i'm not even saying non-german roaches can't coexist with the german ones. but what i am saying is i haven't had a single roach sighting since, and this guy has contacted me by phone to quote me his service charge, even though i've told him i'm quite happy with my pest control guy.

if he calls again i'll just tell him to quit bugging me.

the fussies

2011-05-06T10:30:00.000-07:00

so, i've mentioned before that i have a wonderful set of customers. i'm lucky to be in a city that really embraces and supports local businesses, and i know many of my regulars pass a bux or two on their way to my coffee house. as we get busier, our clientele gets more varied, which means i'm beginning to see the kinds of personalities i would deal with on a consistent basis when i worked for bux.

we have a duo of women who use our coffee house as a weekly meeting ground. i guess they picked us because we are equidistant to the both of them, because they certainly don't seem to care that we have organic coffee or free wifi. in fact, every time they come in there always seems to be an issue with their drinks.

the first time they both wanted decaf lattes, but one of them forgot to tell me.
"i'm PREGNANT!" she stressed aggressively.
so, without matching her attitude, i remade her latte.

the next time they showed up the non-pregnant one asked for a vanilla latte. remembering the decaf fiasco from before, i verified her order, and asked if she wanted decaf again.
"no, HALF-caff" she half-growled.
so i made her half-caff vanilla latte and after two sips she informed me it was supposed to be sugar-free vanilla. yup - yet another modifier she failed to inform me about WHILE I VERIFIED HER FRIGGEN' ORDER!

the third time they came in mr. brat made their drinks. he didn't give me the details of that encounter, he only informed me he was now calling them "the fussies" because nothing seemed to make them happy.

cue to earlier this week. the pregnant one wanted only water, and i was somewhat surprised she didn't have a complaint about the temperature or the amount of ice i put in. her friend, however, wasn't going to let me off scott-free.
"i want my usual," she told me.
"half-caff sugar-free vanilla latte?" i verified the order. but seeing it was insanely hot that day i figured i'd ask if she wanted it hot or iced.
"oh definitely iced!" she fanned herself with hand.

so i made her iced half-caff sugar-free vanilla latte and handed it to her.
"oh, i wanted it blended," she said as she wrinkled her nose.

so, again without attitude, i remade her drink. when she saw i was making it from scratch instead of just tossing her drink in the blender she said "oh, you didn't have to totally remake it!"

um, yeah right.

music people

2011-05-02T07:24:00.000-07:00

ok, i have to admit one of the BEST things about running my own coffee house is getting to handpick what's on my playlist.

you might remember the numerous rants i had regarding the horrid choices bux/hearmusic made (or were forced to make by record companies who were supporting the corporation) when creating the mix cds that were played on a continual, tortuous loop. often times the music would be mostly innocuous, easy to tune out during a busy rush, but the bulk of the time we were forced to listen to a cacophony of warbles and shrills - joni mitchell, i'm talking to you!

there were only two times in all my bux history that i approved of the music (because, you know, seattle needed to worry about what i thought, haha). at my first bux we had a reggae cd which also featured tons of ska bands. it was like a party every time that cd played, but the cds were supposed to be time sensitive and one day the it would no longer play.
until i figured out how to force play it.
of course at this time i was working with a partner named adam who acted so much like a passive aggressive girl that i called him "madam". one day i came in to bux to find the reggae cd was nowhere to be found. looking over the schedule at who opened that morning i saw it was madam. knowing he was the sort to be a killjoy, i checked the wastepaper basket. sure enough, there was the reggae cd, broken into three parts. of course, since it was the only cd i could tolerate, i was very pissy about madam's actions. BME (best manager ever) ordered me a new cd, and although madam admitted to throwing the cd away because "it didn't work", he denied breaking it, claiming instead it must have broken into three pieces when he tossed it into the empty trash can.
seriously?
i mean, if you're going to be a dick, own it. yeah?

so now at my coffee house i play only what i like.
and i absolutely love when customers come in and ask who's playing (IAMX, nixon, morten harket, ampop, maria mckee) and when they profess their own love for what i have piping in through the speakers (adam ant, sneaker pimps, a-ha, portishead, shakespears sister). i've never once had anyone ask me to change the song, which was an almost daily occurrence at bux, and i've even had a record label contact me and send me some cds of a band to listen to and play in my coffee house if i thought they were any good (their name is the belle brigade, and yes they are).

but one of the funniest music related customer interactions happened yesterday:
fellow strip mall worker: "who this?"
brat: "it's lily allen."
fellow strip mall worker: "ah, yes. she has a little funny music, but cute. i like."
brat: "yeah, i love her, too."
fellow strip mall worker: "she has blonde hair, yeah?"
brat: "uh, no, she has dark hair."
fellow strip mall worker: "yeah, yeah, she have dark hair but was blonde before, yes?"
brat: "not really..."
fellow strip mall worker: "yes, she wear funny costume. have blonde hair, is very popular. funny songs, but i like."
brat: "i think you're thinking of lady gaga."
fellow strip mall worker: "no, it lily allen. funny costume, blonde hair."

everyone's an expert

2011-04-25T18:09:00.001-07:00

being a relatively new coffee house, i get unsolicited bits of advice all the time from customers.
it can range from small suggestions: "get a prettier tip jar so people will want to toss their change in" to comfort requests: "you should put some tables and chairs outside, that way we can hang out with our dogs while we drink your coffee".
and sometimes they're a little too specific: "you should organize your flavored syrups alphabetically".

but yesterday i had the most bizarre suggestions from a woman i'd never seen before, and wouldn't mind not seeing ever again.

she was in her mid-50s, very well put together, and by her accent i'm assuming she originally hailed from eastern europe. she opened my front door and totally ignored me when i greeted her, instead standing in the doorway and scanning my coffee house like the borg.
"you make food?" she asked without making eye contact, her head still turning on a swivel.
"no, we make coffee and espresso drinks." i told her.
"but i'm hungry!" she rolled the last syllable into a whine befitting a toddler.
"there's a restaurant just on the corner." i pointed to the small cafe in our strip mall.
she waved her hand to shut me up and shook her head, again whining "but i want organic."
i could only shrug, since we clearly are not a restaurant.

at this point she decided to come inside my coffee house and have a proper look around. she checked out the condiment bar, our community corner where our customers display their business cards and show announcements, and she tried to peek inside our backroom.

"you don't make food?" she asked in disbelief.
"nope, just coffee." i reiterated.
"just coffee?" she was incredulous. "but how do you expect to survive just making coffee?"
again, my only response was to shrug. considering coffee houses originated much closer to her part of the world than mine, i was kind of shocked she had such little faith in them being successful enterprises.
"you should make food." she emphasized by pointing her finger at me.

i was a bit surprised when she actually bought a loaf slice, a doppio espresso, and complimented me on the taste. but her happiness was fleeting because she then proceeded to harangue me again about serving food.

"i have no space to put cooking equipment in." i told her, hoping this would be an irrefutable statement.
"get rid of these!" she pointed the comfy chairs and tables. "you know what else? you should offer yoga classes. everyone can get their coffee then do yoga!"

maybe i should take it as a compliment that she wants me to be successful, but i mostly think she was pretty clueless.

so no - the brat will not be serving food or leading yoga classes.
somehow i think we will still survive.

super massive black holes of emotional need

2011-04-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

i've been stuck on this blog post, editing and re-editing it for two days. i'm trying to find a balance between professional coffee house owner and the down to earth brat you've always known. i'm trying to be diplomatic when it comes to the things i need to vent about, and i'm also trying to keep my identity veiled as i am now really, REALLY concerned about people reading what i write and realizing they're the ones i'm ranting about!

oi. i need to quit telling my customers about "this little blog i used to do", and i definitely need to quit accepting facebook friend requests from them! i'm at the point where i'm worried i will have no space of my own to unload, be stupid or make comments without one of my regulars coming in the next day to ask about a song lyric i posted, or which one of my attractive friends is single.
as i'm typing i realize i've brought this upon myself. but like i said, now it's a matter of finding that balance.
yes, i want to gripe about a customer whose negativity was so heavy last week, it put me into a funk that lasted a couple days, but i also want to keep this person as a regular customer because most of the time i enjoy our conversations.

this is an issue i honestly did not anticipate. being a small independent coffee house means your customers have more access to you. in a way, you are the coffee house. they come to see you specifically, in addition to buying your beverages. i always knew baristas were part time therapists and counselors, but with a select few of my customers it feels like a full time job. maybe some of them weren't hugged enough as children. maybe some of them are genuinely angry every waking moment. maybe my coffee house is the one place they feel comfortable enough to unload without fear of repercussion.
if the latter is true, then i definitely don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. i like being someone's bright spot. i enjoy feeling like i've made a positive difference in someone's life. but i am not loving the darkspace i go to after a lengthy visit from a volatile and emotionally needy patron. it seriously felt like all the light and positivity had been sucked out of me, and i needed a refill.

and unfortunately, i ended up doing what was done to me to another one of my regulars (yeah, this sentence is convoluted and awkward but i haven't the energy to clean it up).
complaining customer was still in the store, spewing negativity, when upbeat customer came to order an espresso. i verbally latched onto upbeat customer, wanting to keep engaged with him as long as possible because i knew once he was gone, the lightness would leave my coffee house and i'd be stuck with complaining customer again.
i'm sure my desperation was obvious and repelling, but i couldn't help myself. i needed to hold onto a lifesaver to drag me out of the putrid pond i was sinking in. poor upbeat customer had no clue what he was in for, and it was painful for me to watch him try and gently ease himself out of my store. and although i knew i was chasing him away with my desperation, i couldn't help myself.

in a weird way this experience has helped me identify with my complaining customer and empathise with him/her. perhaps this might help keep me from being affected so deeply his/her negativity.
maybe.
one can hope, right?

the more things stay the same, the more they change

2011-04-11T12:34:00.000-07:00

well, i've been back to the barista grind for 6 months now, and i have to say i really, really love what i do.
i'm still the hard working barista who actually cares about making a quality beverage while making a customer connection.
every month my business grows and every week i have new regulars who can't get enough of our coffee. i can't tell you how gratifying it is to hear on a daily basis how much better our beverages are than those of coffee bean and starbucks. in fact, i've only ever had one complaint, and it was a really odd one, in my opinion.

one of our regular customers has a wife who is very picky about her espresso drinks. she ordered a small mocha from me, and returned the next morning to complain about it.

"do you make your mochas with coffee or espresso?" she asked.
"uh, we use espresso for our bar drinks," i informed her, puzzled by her question.
"oh, because it tastes like you used coffee." she replied.

knowing most customers will be accustomed to corporate chain drinks, i explained that my beans are not over-roasted, nor are they acidic or bitter, which might explain why she felt her beverage wasn't "strong" enough in flavor. i offered to make it again and double pull the espresso shot for her (yes, i have a traditional manual bar like every coffee house should) so it would have a fuller espresso flavor, that way she wouldn't have to pay for an extra shot of espresso.

she was willing to try a double pulled shot but made sure to tell me, "yeah, it's better but it still tastes like coffee and not espresso."

all i could do is shrug.
really.
my espresso will NEVER taste like bux espresso, and my regulars are thankful for that. i have worked VERY closely with my roaster to create a unique blend especially for my coffee house. i will never brew coffee that tastes burnt or bitter. even when i worked for bux, i was all about quality made beverages and now i have the pleasure to ensure even my beans are of the highest quality (and organic, mind you).

but it's not JUST the coffee that keeps my regulars coming back. it's the all around experience of my place. when you love what you do, and you love interacting with customers, they love supporting you. it's as simple as that.

so, this blog is clearly going to have a change in tone. i don't have to deal with idiot bigwigs in seattle. i don't (not yet, at least) have to put up with entitled and prissy customers. and i don't have to deal with lazy baristas since we are a total mom and pop shop at the moment, which means no more rants!

i understand if having less things to bitch about means a decrease in readership, and honestly i'm ok with that. i hope those of you still following this blog will be ok with the more upbeat attitude :)

too busy to blog!!!!

2011-02-22T13:58:00.000-08:00

let me tell you - working for yourself is very rewarding and extremely fatiguing. i have meant for months and months to do updates and let you know how things have been going with my new venture, but honestly i just haven't had the energy.

the quick recap is my coffee house is starting to make a name for itself! we've had amazing reviews on yelp.com, and a slew of regulars who remind me several times a day why i love being a barista.
so far there's been no horror stories, but again i'm not seeing nearly the amount of people i did while working at bux.

to tide you over until i have time to give you a proper update, here is the first episode of barista buddy's web series about working for a corporate coffee chain:

there are more episodes at Moby's Coffee Shop

i hope all of you have been well!

she's baaaaaaaaack!

2010-09-18T00:54:00.000-07:00

wow.

just wow.

my last post in february was meant to be my final post on this blog.
i mean, i'd already been posting sporadically when i still was a bux barista. then i went on maternity leave, had a baby, quit bux and figured it was the end of the line for me as far as barista brat goes.

but here we are seven months later and i'm back posting.

"oh brat! did you find the real world so harsh and cruel you had to run back to the safety of the green apron?" some of you might be asking.
others might scoff "ha! you were always so high and mighty and now look at you: back as a soulless drone, once again property of the mighty corporation!"
most likely the bulk of you are thinking "who cares? i forgot i even had you on my blog feed."

so yes, even though i am once again a barista i am NOT working for bux.
nor am i working for coffee bean, peet's or seattle's best.
nope - i am working for......ME!

that's right.
i am my own boss. i am my very own howard schultz!

now, i did not at any time intend to open my own coffee house. in fact, i had opened an unrelated business, but my neighborhood and heart was screaming for coffee. and sometimes you have to go with your heart and with your gut.
so my espresso bar should be up and running within a couple weeks. i am still in the process of acquiring all my equipment, and finishing the decorative touches on my cafe.
also, i have found the BEST coffee roasters to supply my beans, and let me tell you - after visiting the roasting plant and sampling the different blends i now understand why so many people say bux coffee tastes burnt!

so i have to admit i'm happy to again be in the coffee business, and quite excited to be able to do things my way, instead of what a bunch of suits up in seattle deem cost effective.
i can't promise i'll blog with regularity, but i will try my best.
so, for those of you still reading, i'd be thrilled if you continue on this journey with me.
i hope you will all wish me luck!

and now the end is near...

2010-02-24T12:04:00.000-08:00

and so i face the final curtain.

i've been absent for so long, and it pleases me to no end that readers still happen upon this blog and send me comments and emails. but now it's time to bring this blog to a close. i have officially hung up my apron and am no longer a barista.

BUT i cannot leave without one final post about the bux. about the company that i used to love and used to be so happy working for.
first, though, i must tell you a story about the best manager ever.

she wasn't my first manager at bux, nor was she my last, but she was undoubtedly the best.
she was the kind of manager who recognized the hard workers and let them know they were appreciated. the kind of manager who listened to her partners complaints and concerns and who was a champion and voice for the baristas when dealing with upper management. she developed several baristas to leads, leads to managers. she was the go-to gal for her district and peers, always lending a hand, covering a store or answering questions. she had been recognized by her district and regional managers several times for the amazing job she did.
it might sound silly, but it was close to magical working for her. our store was at it's best under her guidance. there was no drama, no needless bitching - just a close knit store filled with partners who loved coming to work each day. i have learned so much from her, more than she ever could realize, and i'm honored to now call her a friend.

now, i've been quite critical of the direction bux has taken over the past few years. initially i was hopefully when howard came back, but quickly learned that all he was giving was lip service. i have no idea why seattle doesn't listen to its partners, because the ones at store level ALWAYS know better. we are the ones who talk to the customers each day, the ones who see how bad corporate decisions affect the business, the ones who actually still care about the culture and not just profit/loss statements.
i have made peace with the fact that bux will never again be the company i started with. that entity is gone and buried - and believe it or not, i can understand. when a company gets so huge it's impossible to hang on to the culture - especially when you're opening a new store just about every damn day. so, i reminisce about the days of yore, but i know it's not something that can be recaptured, even if you do bring back a former ceo. but just because you can't go back in time doesn't mean you can't move towards being something great. yes, it will be different, but it can still be GOOD. it's still possible to make decisions based on what's right, and not just what's profitable.

you know, i always used to joke about getting fired. not for doing anything wrong or illicit, but for being the highest paid hourly worker in my store. when bux laid off all those district managers (yes, mostly ones who'd been in their position for years and making a good chunk of change) i said i was probably next. but my best manager ever reminded me that although it looked better on paper to get rid of me and hire in a newbie, i did the job of at least two people, so in fact bux was getting a bargain!
well, i managed to quit before they got rid of me, but the best manager ever wasn't so lucky.

i have no more love for bux. i can't. not after they get rid of an incredible manager for made up reasons. and unfortunately her story isn't unique. it's happening all over. even my last manager (who is also very wonderful) admitted to me he also is in fear of losing his position on a daily basis. district managers are literally splitting hairs to come up with reasons to put managers on final action plans.
it's so sad, but managers who have put in years, YEARS of incredible service are being forced out. and everyone knows why.

money.

why pay someone 60k a year to manage a store when you can find someone to do it almost half the cost?
i can tell you why - because that 60k gives you smoothly run stores, fully developed partners and happy customers.
what you get is a manager who cares and knows how to run a business.
what you get is loyalty which apparently bux is quite short of.

i don't know what will happen to bux if they stay on this road. and honestly, i don't care.
it seems they've given up caring quite a while ago.

so, although i won't be posting on this blog anymore, at least not as an actual barista, i have started a more personal blog documenting my journey to become a published author.

i want to thank every person who's ever read this blog.
i've had over 980,000 hits and you can't imagine how incredible that is for me.
so, again, from the bottom of my heart -
thank you

all right, mr. de mille. i'm ready for my close-up!

2009-07-21T22:21:00.000-07:00

a lengthy tale about a vainglorious barista:

when this barista was first hired, he seemed like a great fit. he was affable, punctual and a quick learner. in fact, we all had high hopes for him because not only did he appear to like his job, he also liked dealing with customers.
he was the guy who would give you a hug before he started his shift, always be available to work for you if you needed the day off, and gave gifts to all his fellow baristas every holiday (which, quite honestly, seemed very odd to me). he was chatty with the customers and with the partners alike.
but he was also painfully slow on bar. and was always late coming back from his breaks. and would spend ten minutes talking to one customer while the rest of the partners had to work harder to make up for the slack. AND he thought he was the greatest thing bux had ever seen since the advent of frappuccinos.
but when he REALLY became unbearable was when he decided bux was sherwood forest and he was robin hood. he started giving away beverages to his friends, family, regulars, people he'd just met, customers who thought adam lambert should've won american idol, and the guy who reminded him of his mechanic.

"so why didn't you put him straight, brat?" you might be asking.
well, i tried.
and failed.

i admit, i was manipulated into being too nice to him.
i have never worked with such a suck-up before. it was always, "oh honey, i love working at this store!", "my love, thank you for being the best learning coach!", "sweetie, i appreciate your help so much!".
baristas were complaining about his laziness and freebies left and right, but were all too afraid of hurting his feelings - so he continued to "hand out donations" to his friends and customers while the rest of us had work even harder just to stay afloat.

baristas, leads, even my own MANAGER would tell me of how hard their shifts were because he'd taken too long a lunch, or was too slow on bar, or had gossiped with a customer for ten minutes while he was supposed to be doing a lobby. whenever they would try and gently let him know that they needed him to work as hard as they did, he would softly purr his apologies and then be so hard on himself that they soon found they were comforting HIM!
he'd even figured out how to cut the leads off at the pass and would promise to work harder before they'd a chance to have a coaching conversation with him.

finally, i'd had enough.
i didn't care how "nice" he was anymore.
i had no use for the empty compliments.
all i wanted was for him to DO HIS JOB.

so, with the blessing of my manager, i decided to have a sit down talk with this barista to let him know that:
a) he was very well liked
b) he needed to pull his weight while at work, not just spend all his time talking with customers
c) all his fellow partners really, honestly did like him
d) his job was in danger because he gave away so many free drinks and pastries
e) it wasn't personal - everyone LIKED him

as i said - i was stupid and easily manipulated by him.
i should have kept it to only point b and point d, but i didn't want him to feel picked on.
after our talk was over i was hopeful that he'd adjust his behaviour while at work. and you know what?
his behaviour DID change!
but not in the way that i'd hoped for.

instead i became locked in his crosshairs.
he still continued to give away freebies, and still didn't do his job, but now he spent his time telling baristas and customers alike that i had it in for him because i was -
wait for it...

jealous.

yes, it's true.
he told anyone willing to listen that i was jealous of him because he was so popular, which in turn made my popularity wane.
his exact words were, "she used to be the one in the spotlight, and then i came and took it from her. now she can't handle not being in the spotlight anymore and she's trying to get me fired."

i admit, i laughed - no, not laughed - guffawed when i heard this.
and then i was kind of sad.

i was sad because it suddenly became crystal clear why this barista gave away drinks and bestowed gifts upon his fellow partners. he so desperately wanted everyone to like him that he'd resorted to "buying" his friends. he didn't genuinely want to help people out - he wanted their affection.
and when i told him that his job was in danger unless he buckled down, well, he saw that as a threat to his standing.
and his standing was more important to him than his job because not two days after our discussion, barista buddy had his own conversation with him regarding the SAME things.
and less than a week after that he was "separated from the company" for -
wait for it...

giving away beverages.

barista rant: i know you love the way i make your drink. i know that whenever you see me on bar you call out, "yay brat's gonna make my drink!" but even though you get "the best" drinks from me, it does not mean if i'm in your eyesight that i have to drop what i'm doing to make your high-maintenance beverage. this especially holds true when i'm on my knees under the blenders cleaning the drain. i don't care if it will ruin your day if someone else makes your drink - deal with it. i'm busy doing yet another one of my duties.

comical corporate, combative customers and crappy co-workers

2009-04-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

hi there!
remember me?
i've been away so long i barely remembered my blogger password.
clearly i've been too busy to post, and i'm hoping a super long entry will help tide you over until the next time i am able to blog again.

there have been SOOOOOOOO many things i've wanted to post about, and just haven't had the time, so i will do my best to get you back up to speed.

first off - comical corporate

now i'm sure many of you remember what a big deal it was when howard schultz came back as ceo. how he was supposed to turn our company around and bring us back to our 'roots'. there was a HUGE emphasis on customer service: dvds were watched, memos read, and managers held meetings to make sure their partners remembered that the customer experience was our first concern - NOT the bottom line.
not only did howard want the customer to get the perfect beverage every time, he wanted them to be blasted with the scent of freshly ground coffee. so we baristas no longer had the luxury of pre-ground packs of coffee, but instead had to grind pounds upon pounds of beans so that a permanent cloud of coffee dust hung in the air.
but howard didn't want the experience to end there! he wanted the customers to SEE how fresh their coffee was! so not only did we had to portion out pounds of pike place each morning, but we had to label them with the date and our names so that the customer could see how dedicated bux was to having fresh coffee in the store. AND if we needed to grind or pour more pike place blend, we had to walk out from behind the counter and grab a conspicuously positioned five-pound bag of beans to again give the customer that "unique" experience of a coffee house.

so, you might have asked yourself if this tactic did indeed work.
well, in a word: no.
in fact, it was so ineffective that within weeks we no longer kept the five-pound bag of beans out in the lobby. and just a few short months later, without any reason given to us baristas, pre-packed pounds of pike place showed up in our deliveries.
so much for that "unique" experience, eh?
add to that "brew on demand" decaf coffee in the afternoon and you get a lot comments from customers that they might as well save their money and make their own coffee.
BUT i do have to say there is one saving grace to this whole economic mess bux is in, and that is the return of the refill policy.
that's right!
because bux stock is so very low, we have now been given STRICT orders to enforce our refill policy.
this fills me with pure joy, it really does.
i LOVE telling customers it doesn't matter if they have held on to their cup for the last millennium just so they could get away with paying 50 cents for their coffee or iced teas. it brings me to a level of bliss i didn't know existed to be able to say "actually this has always been our policy, we've only just recently been told we must enforce it" to the angry faces of our cheapie customers.

ah, how i love the slow and painful death of "just say yes".

combative customers
before i start ranting about some of the horrid folks that come into my bux, i first have to acknowledge how truly great most our customers are. our regulars are the main reason why i love my job. truly.

so, i get that people are freaked out by the economy. i, myself, am concerned about whether or not i will still have a job (and no, we have not yet heard if my bux will be one of the unlucky ones that will shut down during the second wave of store closures), but somehow i manage to go about my day without being a total bitch, you know? the fact that you're stressing does not give you the right to yell and scream at me. just because you are having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that you've spent almost 1000 dollars in my store since the start of the year does not mean you have license to threaten us baristas whenever you need to 'get it all out'.
even though we baristas work for a large corporation, you do not have the right to call us jerks because we won't give you a discount on your venti espresso caramel frappuccino with energy, protein and chocolate chips. it is not our responsibility if you are "addicted" to your bux fix and HAVE to partake of it every morning just to feel human. if you really feel the need to bitch someone out and call them names because you spend way to much money in our store, then i suggest you take a long hard look in the mirror.

crappy co-workers
for the most part, my store is doing well when it comes to our baristas. we have a strong manager/lead team, several seasoned baristas, and more than a handful of hard-working, principled partners. but even though we've been on an employee upswing, we still have our share of dead weight that NEEDS to get cut.
for instance, just because you spent ten minutes talking to a customer does not mean you are the bees knees when it comes to customer service. really, what it means is your customer service skills SUCK because you ignored the thirty OTHER customers that came into our store. besides the fact that you made the rest of us baristas have to work harder and faster because you were busy chatting it up with a customer.
while we're at it, i should mention a few other things that you've obviously mistaken for good customer service:
- giving away free drinks because a customer said you make the best lattes is NOT good customer service. especially when those same customers act like outright jerks to the rest of us baristas because we won't give them their beverages on the house.
- offering to donate a free coffee traveller to the neighborhood watch meeting is NOT good customer service. especially considering you don't have that authority, and the fact that you totally put our manager on the spot when the neighborhood watch lady waltzed in to our bux singing "hooray for free coffee!".
and finally - making samples of a chai cream frappuccino for the homeless woman who has never spent a red cent in our bux is NOT good customer service. especially when our very loyal paying customers hear you say to the homeless woman "oh don't worry about asking for free samples - it's not like starbucks doesn't make enough money as it is!"

besides all the freebies, you are as slow as molasses when it comes to working behind the bar. you do a crappy job of deep cleaning, and you spend more time running your mouth than actually working. i am so pleased to hear that you have been given a final warning. the rest of us working baristas can't wait for you to be gone.

so, dear readers (if any of you still occasionally check this blog), i will do my best to keep you better up to date as the weeks progress.

re-wrap recap

2008-12-31T13:07:00.000-08:00

i'm trusting everyone's holidays have been fantastic.

besides the expected christmas cards in my mailbox, i also received a letter from starbucks about how although they used to match 401(k)s, it is now up to their discretion whether they will match, and if they match how much they will match.

"does this greatly affect the brat?" some of you may wonder.
well, not really.
in fact, i'm not sure how many people at bux it does affect. the only buxters i know who have enrolled in the 401(k) option are salaried managers, and not even all of them have done it.
but i thought you all might like to know that it's not only labor being cut by seattle - benefits are being cut (oh, excuse me: "modified") as well.

i can tell you, however, that this was the slowest holiday i've experienced at bux. though because of the shortage of hours alloted it seemed pretty hectic. i made sure to keep track of some of the best and worst of the season my store was fortunate enough to experience.

BEST:
- the customer who bought every barista in our store a present (even though she only knows half of us).
- barista buddy who kept everyone smiling and laughing, even when we had a line to the door and one of our machines had broken down.
- our loyal and patient regulars who didn't complain at all when the last minute shoppers held up the line so they could purchase 20 gift cards.
- not-so-newbie barista who baked us all christmas goodies.
- my manager who gave me the holiday schedule i wanted
- the customer who felt so bad at holding up the line while she had us wrapping mugs that she bought drinks for the next three customers in line.

WORST:
- the woman who brought in a gift card for 50 dollars, demanded cash, and when we couldn't comply made us turn that one 50 dollar gift card into ten 5 dollar gift cards, and THEN made us give her the cash for each gift card one transaction at a time.
- seattle for sending out a memo to all the stores saying we MUST ring up customers properly and follow the refill policy, yet STILL tells us to 'just say yes'.
- the nut who made us put her latte in a ceramic mug because 'i can't stand these goddam red cups year after year!"
- the family that decided on a whim during a morning rush to order a coffee traveller, then complained loudly about how long it was taking for it to be ready, even after we explained that we would have to brew a batch especially for their traveller. and when it was finally ready, they decided to order a second decaf traveller, but demanded it be free since they would have to wait another ten minutes (of course we did not comply).
- they guy that yelled at me for not caring about dying africans when i informed him that we are not equipped to take donations for the (red) campaign.

partner rant:
holiday used to be my favorite time to work at bux. i loved the decorations, the music, even the eggnog, but this year was such a downer. sure, you can blame the economy, but i put most the blame on you, seattle. this is NOT the same company it was when i was a newbie. this is NOT the company i hired on to. this is not even the same company from two years ago. i know you have stock holders to keep happy (hello - i'm one of them), and i know you need to be profitable as a corporation, but the decisions you've made over this past year have all stunk. i'm talking every single one of them. and none of them have turned this company around like you said they would. so please, start listening to your managers and baristas (you know, the people that actually work IN the stores) if you really want to see changes that will make this company what it used to be.

p.s. - HAPPY NEW YEAR!

you can always get what you want

2008-12-18T23:02:00.000-08:00

ok - this story is too good to leave off the blog.
i don't care that it didn't happen in my store, or even my district. trust me - this is great:

every few years each bux gets a major remodel. usually that means a fresh coat of paint, new artwork, new furniture, and updated pastry cases and shelves.
it just so happens that in this particular bux, there is a regular who really, REALLY loved the comfy chairs. he would come in every morning, ask for a venti iced water (that's right - he never bought drinks), claim a comfy chair and camp out on it for several hours. apparently he was a budding sitcom writer.
no, he didn't ACTUALLY write for sitcoms. nor did he ever make money for any of his scripts. nonetheless, bux had become his workplace and everyday he came in for his venti water and his comfy chair.

now, you might have rightly guessed that he was very upset when this bux was closed for remodeling.
"how am i going to get any writing done!?!" he demanded of the baristas. "you are seriously messing with my flow!"
so, he eagerly awaited the re-opening of this bux so that he could settle into his comfy chair with a free water. imagine his devastation when he found his comfy chairs had been replaced with some not-so-comfy seats. he apparently raised the biggest stink because he could not write his sitcoms while sitting in the less-comfy chairs because it strained his back. he called the manager, the district manager, the regional manager and the starbucks customer complaint line. he brought in his own special padding to use and demanded the baristas keep the padding in their backroom because he couldn't be bothered to lug it back and forth everyday (you know - because of his bad back).
still, he continued to complain to everybody and anybody about his missing comfy chair. he told corporate that he was going to sue.
SUE!
he felt a lawsuit was necessary because (please stay with me here):
he couldn't write in the new chairs because they made his back hurt
which meant he couldn't make any money
which meant he couldn't afford to take his girlfriend out
which meant she didn't want to date him anymore
which meant he became depressed when she dumped him
which meant he had to pay for therapy
which meant he would also have to pay for anti-depressants
which meant he would no longer be an effective sitcom writer since he was going to be taking medication
which meant he couldn't realize his dream as a sitcom writer

want to know what bux did?
they CAVED!

that's right - they searched high and low, far and wide to find him his precious comfy chair. and NO ONE ELSE was allowed to use his chair, which meant the poor baristas had to bring out the chair for him when he arrived, and carry it back to their backroom when he left.

so, to recap, a non-paying regular who would spend hours camped out at bux (occupying a chair that should have been for paying customers) managed to get what he wanted from corporate by threatening to sue.

i have to laugh, or else i'll cry.

barista rant: no, i will not sell you one of our red aprons. it doesn't matter how funny your girlfriend will think your gag gift is, we will not sell it to you. don't wave your twenty dollar bill at us and expect us to chance losing our jobs so that you and your girlfriend can have a giggle on christmas morning. don't act like we're stupid for not being tempted by your money, and don't insult us by saying we don't know the value of a dollar. WE are not the ones spending twenty bucks on a laugh.

centers of the unibux

2008-12-13T01:33:00.001-08:00

i've blogged often about customers with entitlement issues.
you know, the ones who think they are allowed to bypass the register partner and order their drink directly from the barista at bar.
the ones who expect you to stop pulling shots, pouring frappuccinos and steaming milk so you can get their venti cup of ice water.
the ones who want you to call every store in your district to find a mug that is on clearance, no matter the fact there is a line out the door.
the ones who think we baristas are slacking at our jobs because we didn't save the last blueberry muffin for them and we should have known to since they didn't come in and get it at 7am.
the ones who want you to remake their drink three times because "oh, i don't know, it just doesn't taste right".
the ones who expect free drinks every time they come in because one time in the distant past a barista was rude to them.

today we had some royal gems as far as entitlement goes:
- since howard now expects every store to run a negative 3% variance to ideal, we are noticeably short handed during the morning rush. in fact, many customers commented on how well we were doing and how they appreciated us obviously working our apron strings off. there was one customer, however, who felt that even though we were busting our butts just to stay afloat, SHE still wanted us to go above and beyond.
"i want a bagel with butter - TOASTED!" she barked as she threw down a hundred dollar bill.
"ma'am, i'm sorry but i don't have enough change in my drawer for that bill. do you have anything smaller?" register partner politely asked.
"no, i don't." said big baller, jutting her chin out. "that means you gotta give me my bagel for FREE."
"uh," register partner surveyed the line and decided it was worth it to give away the bagel. "i guess we can do that for you today."
"and i want it toasted!" big baller stuffed her benjamin in her bra (in her friggen' bra!), "and i want it buttered BEFORE you toast it - with TWO pats of butter on each slice!"
"ok", register partner sighed.
"AND after it's toasted i want you to let it cool down before you put it in the bag so it doesn't get soggy, understand?"
"i understand she's a bitch," register partner whispered to me as she prepped big baller's breakfast.

- a man set up camp in one of our leather chairs. he ordered a frappuccino, a bottle of water, a sandwich and two pastries. he then pulled out his laptop and began surfing the web.
about ten minutes after he'd settled into the chair, a customer came up to mr. split assistant manager and myself.
"excuse me, but i thought you'd like to know that the man over there in the corner is watching porn on his computer and the volume is up high enough so that i could hear it." he told us.
i didn't know whether to gag or laugh. i mean, who does that? who goes to bux to watch porn?
"i'll take care of it. thanks for letting me know." mr. split said before heading into the lobby to talk to mr. happy.
"i'm sorry sir, but we've had a complaint about the nature of what you're watching on your laptop." he awkwardly started. "we don't mind you staying here, but you have to watch things that are appropriate."
"who the hell are you to tell me what to watch?" mr. happy grunted.
"well, we just can't have you viewing explicit content on our grounds."
"i just bought twenty dollars worth of stuff - i can watch whatever the hell i want to!" mr. happy was now getting angry.
"this isn't coming from me -" mr. split assistant manager was getting intimidated. "it was brought to my attention and it's my job to come over here and talk to you. it's not coming from me."
"you gonna refund me my twenty bucks?" mr. no-longer-happy growled. "if you make me stop watching what i'm watching, then you have to give me my money back. i paid for this seat and to use your damn internet!"
"it's not coming from me." mr. split almost whimpered.
apparently this was enough to ruin the mood for mr. happy because he left - without his twenty dollars but with a free drink coupon.

- and there was the woman who expected us to kick out the person occupying the bathroom so that she could use the mirror to re-apply her make-up.
when we informed her that there was no way we would tell someone they had to leave the bathroom before their business was done just because she wanted us to, she then pulled the "well, you HAVE to. i come here every morning for my REFILL and you're supposed to just say yes to your customers!"
"well, i already told they guy in the bathroom 'YES', so you'll have to wait your turn." i responded.
she then took my manager's business card to report me.
gee, i'm so scared.

partner rant: i appreciate your initiative, i really do, but for the love of espresso PLEASE finish a task before you start a new one. yes, i know the trash needed to be changed, and yes the coffee needed to be rebrewed, and yes the pastry case was empty, but what good does it do if you pull out the trash without putting in new bags, empty the urns without starting the rebrew, and opening boxes of coffee cakes without putting them in the case? it does NO good. in fact, it makes the store messier. so please, please, PLEASE finish up a task before heading into the next.

less means more (work)

2008-12-08T01:03:00.000-08:00

latest word from the bean tree is that howard has decided to be proactive about our profit losses. so he has figured out a way to help save money, and therefore save our company.
"is he finally getting rid of those sandwiches brat hates so much?" you might be asking.
"i bet he's realized that brewing coffee every half hour means a lot of wasted dollars down the drain." some of you might have deduced.
unfortunately for all of us, the corner mr. schultz has decided to cut is labor.

that's right.
you see - apparently he's learned (over his decades in the business) that when your customers are already unhappy with your products and your service, the best thing to do is cut labor. that nothing will get those profit margins up like having less workers on the floor to serve drinks and deep clean. that you customers won't mind a bit having to wait longer in dirtier stores for your beverages that have been made by baristas who are overworked and micromanaged.

i guess it's a good thing howard didn't ask my opinion about how to get our stock value back up, because if he had i never would have suggested running the store with less labor. you see - i would have made the sorry and misguided decision to cut costs by not keeping a fully stocked pastry case all day long, which leads to hundreds of dollars a week in expired pastries that have to be thrown away.
i would NOT have spent the money to re-tool all the espresso machines - especially since those very machines that were re-tooled are being replaced by brand new espresso machines (that i'm sure cost a pretty penny).
and yes, i would have gotten rid of those damn ovens!

i guess i just don't see the long term cost benefits of having less employees on the floor to do the same (if not more, in some cases) amount of work.
i don't see how it would appeal to a customer to spend their hard earned money at an establishment that doesn't seem to care anymore about quality or service.
it seems that all the things that made bux so great (for the barista AND the customer) are being phased and/or forced out - only to be replaced by mediocrity at best.
i'm sorry, but i don't know any regular customers that come to bux because the coffee is "so great". they come, day after day, because of the connection they have with their baristas.
well - if this connection is no longer possible, then what reason do they have to keep coming back?

barista rant: please do not play 'whack-a-mole' with your beverage at my bar. i know it seems like it will be lots of fun to jam your straw into your iced beverage one-handed, but when you miss and end up spilling the entire contents of your drink all over my bar - well, fun is the last word to describe it. please use both hands to poke your straw through the lid, that way you won't have to wait for me to remake your beverage, and i won't have to wish a pox upon your house.

'tis the season

2008-12-02T15:41:00.001-08:00

we baristas are now officially in the swing of holiday, which of course means our customers have started to behave rather poorly under the guise of 'the season'.
already we've seen an increase in rudeness, selfishness, and rage - and we know it's only going to get worse.

the first wench of christmas was an older women, smartly dressed, and with her phone glued to her ear. when she made it to the front of the line she decided her call was far too important to put on hold and ordered her drink in between a shower of "i don't believe it!", "then what did you say?" and "uh-huhs".
when the register partner tried to verify the order, the wench just waved her off and rolled her eyes, clearly upset that her conversation was being interrupted. so register partner marked the cup to the best of her understanding and handed phone wench her receipt.

well, wouldn't you know - not two seconds after i handed phone wench her drink, did she erupt with "this is NOT what i ordered!".
mind you, she was still on the phone, so when i informed her that i could remake her drink, so long as she told me what it was she wanted, she didn't hear a thing. instead she huffed and started yelling into the phone about how incompetent bux baristas are.
then she looked at her receipt and growled that she'd been charged for the wrong size.
"i can give you the difference - it's no problem," the register partner offered, but of course this fell on the deaf ear that didn't have a phone attached to it.
"this is ridiculous!" phone wench bitched into the receiver and huffed her way out of the store.
"that's what happens when you order WHILE talking on the phone!" i called out to her.
of course, she didn't hear a word.

we also saw an increase in energy with the school kids that filter in for their frappuccinos and raspberry waters. they are so excited about their upcoming two week vacation that they are bouncing off the walls, even without the aid of caffeine. not only are they boisterous and loud, but they are extremely clumsy. we've had to rebuild our holiday display twice since last friday, and we've had to mark out four ceramic mugs that were broken to bits because these kids are kinetic nightmares.
well, at least they've been more polite than the older patrons.

partner rant: are you deaf? how can you not hear that annoying 'beep-beep-beep' coming from the coffee timer? i was on my break in the back room and i STILL heard it. you are standing less than two feet away from the damn thing! it's not enough that you've apparently learned to tune it out. the whole reason it's beeping is to tell you to rebrew fresh coffee! so why the hell were you serving expired drips when i came back from break? oh, i know. because you just DON'T care.

lies, lies, lies - yeah

2008-11-24T01:04:00.000-08:00

i know i've blogged before about lying customers who think baristas are the most gullible form of mankind on the planet, and how their untruths are as transparent as clingwrap, but since i've been back behind the bar it seems as if there has been an outbreak of dishonesty.
now really, do these people really think they're the first ones to come to the register with an empty cup and claim their beverage was made wrong?
that one of our baristas promised them three free drinks?
that they bought four pounds of coffee and accidentally left them in the lobby the day before?
that the manager 'from the other bux' said our bux would give them an espresso machine at a 50% discount?
that one of our baristas was so rude that our manager was going to give the customer ten free beverage coupons?
that they bought a sandwich the night before and it had a bug in it, just like the last four sandwiches they'd 'purchased'?
that the coupon they made using photoshop was approved for use by mr. schultz himself?

just last night i had this happen:
"uh, where's my drink?" skater dude asked the barista on bar.
now this was during my closing shift. i was the register partner, one barista was on break and the other barista was on bar. after ringing up all the customers in the store, i went to the backroom so i could fill milk carafes.
"what?" my fellow barista asked skater dude, finding it improbable that i would forget to mark a cup.
"my drink - i ordered a drink and you never made it." skater dude responded with much attitude.
"hang on just a sec," bar barista said to skater dude, then poking his head in the backroom asked, "hey brat - did this guy order a drink?"
i walked out of the backroom to find skater dude impatiently tapping his cell phone against the hand off bar.
"dude - you didn't order a thing." i practically spat, pissed that he was trying to run a game on us.
"yeah i did," he countered. "i ordered a venti -"
"no, you didn't." i interrupted him.
seeing he'd been caught, and we weren't stupid enough to believe him, he sheepishly walked out of the store muttering, "oh, i thought my friends bought me something."

and today this happened:
customer: "so, like, i called your corporate office because last week you guys overcharged my credit card by a hundred bucks. they told me that all i had to do was come back here and you'd give me a cash refund."
barista brat: *knowing full well this guy was a scammer* "i'm sorry, but i can't do anything on this end for you. if you're already talking with corporate about it, they should be able to help you out."
customer: "oh yes you can do something for me because your head offices said you have to."
barista brat: "sorry, no."
customer: "you do. i was on the phone with helen this morning and she said you had to give me the hundred back in cash."
barista brat: "if you like you can come back tomorrow when my manager is here -"
customer: "no! i don't have time to be running back here everyday! you guys OWE me. helen TOLD me that you HAVE to give me the money."
barista brat: "i'm sorry, but i don't have any authority to give you cash."
customer: "yes you do! HELEN gave you that authority!"
barista brat: "sorry, but my manager would be the best person to help you."
customer: "you ARE sorry."
barista brat: "yeah, have a great day."

barista rant: telling me how much fun it is to work with me, and how great you think i am will NOT blind me to the fact that you are the laziest of the lazies. smiling a lot and trying to be my buddy will not keep me from getting on your case every time i see you slacking. and offering to bake me a cake to welcome me back to the store (even though you were hired while i was away) is not enough of a bribe to make up for your bad work ethic. guess what? getting me to like you is the easiest thing in the world. all you have to do is your JOB.

my new bff

2008-11-18T13:14:00.000-08:00

i'm back at bux and it's pretty much the same - except harder since my store lost some core people who were replaced by some pretty weak newbies. oi. and right before holiday as well.

my first shift back seemed like it would be pretty uneventful. my manager was nice and gave me a short shift to ease me back into the whole coffee slinging thing. in fact, the day would have been pretty much golden if it weren't for the borrowed partner who was scheduled to work with me.

now borrowed partners can either be really great, or really horrid.
sometimes they want to make such a great impression that they work very efficiently, or they have such great personalities and work ethics that they seamlessly blend in with our regular partners and customers.
but sometimes they are pissed they have to cover a shift at a store that's not their own, so they have bad attitudes, are lazy, or spend the entire day commenting on how much better their store is.

the borrowed partner i worked with is in a class all her own.
right from the beginning i knew she wasn't going to be stellar, but i was hopeful she would at least be decent. she's been with the company for a couple years so presumably she knew how to make drinks and ring up customers. she's also in her late forties, so i was hoping maturity wouldn't be an issue.
in between rushes, when baristas should be cleaning and restocking, she slid next to me and said in a hushed tone "i think i might be pregnant".
now, let me just say that although i consider myself a friendly person, and i welcome conversation, telling me that you might be pregnant when i don't even know you is waaaaaaay too much information for this brat. really, all i want you to do is work, capiche?

"my husband has been out of the country for three years," she continued in subdued tones, "and i know he has been cheating on me. i have been faithful for over twenty years, but i can only take so much, so i started going out to clubs - "
"can you refill the milk fridge?" i interrupted her, not knowing a better way to get her to quit her story.
seriously, i was in shock that she was pouring all this out to me.
me! a person, who ten minutes previous, was a complete stranger!
"and i met a man," she continued after re-stocking the fridge. "and it is nothing serious but i think i am pregnant. my son is going to kill me if i'm pregnant! but what else can it be? i am ten days late and i am nauseous."

now, i really didn't want to deal with this my first day back. all i wanted was her to do her job. maybe some light conversation about movies or music, but that's all. no shoe dropping. no maury povich moments. just two baristas making coffee and keeping a clean store.

"my husband doesn't even send me money, and now i might have someone else's baby. what do you think i should do?" she asked in a whisper.

are you serious?!?
what the hell?!?
not only does she confide in someone she doesn't know, but she asks what SHE should DO?
WHO does this?!?

"uh, i have NO idea." i answered - incredulous that i was even having this conversation. "why don't you go take a break." i suggested just to have her out of my hair.

when she came back from her break she again slid next to me to pour out her woes. i, as nicely as i could, informed her that we really didn't have time to talk since there was so much work that needed to be done. she seemed to understand, but not two minutes later she had cornered barista buddy and again was whispering to a stranger that she thought she was pregnant. and when barista buddy made it clear this was not a conversation he wanted to be a part of, she started telling customers about her problems - still in that same hushed tone that made it seem like she wanted it kept a secret.
lady! it's no secret if you tell it to the whole world, no matter how low you keep your voice!

to maintain my sanity i put her on dish duty in the backroom and kept her there until her shift was over. i wasn't trying to be mean, but really, this lady had no clue as to what was appropriate. and being well into her forties you'd think she'd figure out that bux is certainly not the place to field advice about out of wedlock babies. at least it shouldn't be.
"welcome back, brat!" barista buddy laughed after she'd left. "by the way," he whispered, "i think i'm PREGNANT!"

barista rant: we don't mind that, although you're homeless, you come in and use our bathroom - especially since you are usually respectful and are relatively clean. but you may not panhandle in our store. it is NOT ok to ask customers if they will buy you a cup of coffee or a sandwich. and if someone is nice enough to buy you a meal, don't come back twenty minutes later and expect us to give you a cash refund because you didn't like the sandwich!

district manage-errors

2008-11-13T22:57:00.000-08:00

next week i will again be a barista, so this post will be yet another customer rant:

i know how much it sucks when the district and regional manager come to visit (re: scrutinize) a store. not only are all the baristas and managers on edge, but the higher ups always seem to forget that we actually have a store to run. they will continually pull a barista off task to wipe down the lobby chairs, dust the light fixtures, or clean a coffee spill near the outside dumpster. they turn a blind eye to the line of customers waiting for service. they ignore the fact that there is one barista on bar and fifteen drinks on deck. and they blame the store manager for everything - even things beyond their power.

i understand these higher ups have a job to do, and that they want their stores to look perfect, but they must remember that customers don't come in to bux to admire the bean displays. they come in for their beverages and they don't want to wait an inordinate amount of time to partake of them.

it should be apparent to the higher ups that we baristas HATE these visits because it is literally like throwing a wrench into the cogs of an already strained machine. it ruins our mood to be nitpicked, it breaks our flow, and it annoys the customers.

and today it really annoyed THIS customer.

not only did it take an eon to place my order - it took three times as long to get my drink. and it wasn't because the baristas were being slow and lazy. in fact the two baristas on the floor were busting their asses to stay afloat.
the reason?
barista #3 was scraping gum from underneath the hand off bar.
barista #4 was cleaning the grout in the backroom.
and the store manager had been pulled off the floor so the district manager could relay to him everything that was wrong with the rtd case.
such as the vitamin waters had some of their labels facing off center, one of the organic chocolate milks was missing a straw, and one of the protein trays was on the wrong shelf.

now, i understand that these things need to be taken care of - but NOT when you have a line to the door and only two baristas actually working the floor. unfortunately district and regional managers are rarely aware of what working as a barista is really like, and even if they once knew they have blocked out the memories.

i felt really bad for the manager and his employees at this bux. visits like this always suck - for them AND for the customers.

not-so-secret shopper

2008-11-09T20:06:00.000-08:00

i've taken a much needed break from bux.
for the past few months i've been a customer only, and not a barista. soon i will have to return to my place behind the bar, but i must say that i have truly enjoyed my time away from my store. and although i've always believed myself to be very in tune with the feelings of my customers, i have now a more complete perspective of their experiences.
yes - i have walked a mile in their caffeine-deprived shoes, which is why this post will be a huge customer rant.

rant #1 -
there is really no reason - NO REASON - why i should have to wait six minutes for my second beverage. especially when both beverages are americanos and only require espresso and water. i can't fathom what possible justification you might have for making my first americano, then ignoring my second to make three frappuccinos that were ordered AFTER mine. did you need a break from pulling espresso shots, or are you just really daft?

rant #2 -
i am fully aware that some customers can be rude jerks, but i am not one of them. in fact, i smiled when i walked up to your register and politely ordered my beverage like so: "hi, i'd like a tall, roomy americano, please."
what is so offensive about that?
seriously, i'd like to know because the stinkeye you gave me really seemed out of line. as did the "you want WHAT in your americano?". and the fact that you did not hand me back my change, but dropped it on the counter while bellowing out "NEXT!" to the customer behind me. i do not expect you to kiss my butt, but a modicum of tact would be much appreciated.

rant #3 -
your. bathroom. is. disgusting.

rant #4 -
i appreciate the fact that you are cleaning the condiment bar, i really do. and i REALLY appreciate the fact that you are changing out the milk containers. what i don't appreciate is watching my coffee turn cold while i wait for you to bring out the new milk containers. instead you decided it was a perfect time to go outside and chat with one of your friends and take pictures on your cell phone.
and when i asked the barista for some half and half, he just pointed at you and said "she's bringing it" when clearly you were on an unofficial break.
please finish your tasks before slacking off, yeah?

rant #5 -
i understand that training in necessary, but if you're going to put a newbie on bar, please let there be a more experienced barista there to double bar, especially when the line waiting for beverages is three times as long as the line waiting to order. it is NOT time effective when the newbie has to ask the person on register "how do i make this?" every time she picks up a cup. i saw three drinks that went out wrong, and you know what? those three customers didn't bother to let the newbie know because they didn't have the time to wait for a remake - not that the second drink would have been made correctly anyway.

rant #6 -
i know it's fun to work with your friends. in fact that's one of the reasons i love working at my store. however - please be polite and professional enough to take a break from your conversation to take my order. just because you are avoiding making eye contact with me while i wait at the register does not mean you can finish your chatfest uninterrupted. you are, remember, getting paid to work. you are not getting paid to gossip - that is just a perk.

rant #7 -
please do not clean the wax out of your ears while on register. ever.

i've really enjoyed my life as a "civilian" but very soon i will be back behind the bar with more rants.

shock and uh

2008-08-27T23:26:00.000-07:00

one of the best things about working for bux is interacting with our regular customers. most of them are awesome (not just because they tip well and give us gifts during the holidays) and it really means a lot to know that we baristas have a hand in making their days just a little bit better.
because these regulars are so comfortable with us, they talk quite freely with us about pretty much anything that crosses their minds. often times our conversations are mostly innocuous. but on occasion, our customers will say things that leave us baristas with our mouths agape, wondering if we really heard what we thought we heard.

for instance:

one of our regulars had been absent from our bux for several weeks.
brat: hey matt! where've you been? we haven't seen you for awhile.
matt: hey brat, i just got back from israel.
brat: cool, was it for vacation?
matt: yeah, it was great. you ever been to israel?
brat: no. i have friends who tell me i should, but to be honest i'm kind of nervous.
matt: oh, all that bombing stuff is exaggerated. just make sure you fly el-al when you do go.
brat: yeah, i heard el-al is one of the safest airlines.
matt: it is - because we really know how to smoke out those arab terrorists!
brat: ...........

we also have an elderly man who comes in every afternoon on his rascal scooter. he's really a character, talking to anyone who'll listen. he also uses his scooter as an assault vehicle on anyone who gets in his way. the other day i was on register when he ordered his coffee.
mr. rascal: heya, give me a cup of coffee for here and one of those marble cakes. make sure there's plenty of chocolate on the marble cake, alright?
brat: no problem.
i held up a couple slices for him to inspect before placing the one he wanted into a pastry bag.
brat: here you go.
mr. rascal: i just got back from visiting my brother and sister-in-law.
brat: did you have fun?
mr. rascal: oh yeah, they made sure i got plenty of chocolate while i was there.
brat: that's nice.
mr. rascal: you know - it's true what they say about chocolate.
brat: what, that it's a natural anti-depressant?
mr. rascal: no! what, are you dumb? chocolate makes you horny!
brat: (laughing) uh, o.k.

one of my fellow baristas was at the condiment bar when a regular walked over to put sugar in her coffee.
customer: i love this store, you guys always work so hard and it's so much cleaner than the store down the street.
barista: thanks, we try!
customer: plus, i like the patrons here better.
barista: yeah, we have a pretty good batch of customers.
customer: the other day i was late for work so i just ran into that other starbucks. what a mistake!
barista: really? what happened?
customer: well, you know how that store is crawling with armenians?
barista: uh......
customer: well, there were these two guys in line in front of me that seriously just stepped off the boat.
barista: uh......
customer: they kept asking for 'latte coffees' and the poor barista kept trying to explain the difference between a latte and a coffee, but they just kept ordering 'latte coffees'. so she rang them up for two lattes. i guess that's not what they wanted because when they picked up their drinks, they took a sip, started yelling in armenian and threw their lattes on the floor! i felt so sorry for the baristas working that had to deal with those f.o.b.s!
barista: uh.......

and my personal favorite -
customer: how many shots of espresso can you put into a venti drip?
barista buddy: we can pretty much add as many shots as you'd like.
customer: is five shots too many?
barista buddy: not if you like it very strong.
customer: it's not the flavor i care about. i just need to jumpstart this guy. (he starts pointing to his crotch)
barista buddy: *tries very hard to complete the transaction without looking at the customer's crotch*

barista rant: don't come and complain to me about another customer sitting in "your seat". if you haven't already noticed - there is no assigned seating in our cafe. there are no rsvp signs, and no hierarchy that guarantees you get your favorite chair by the window every time you come to drink your mocha. don't bitch and moan to me, telling me i should have "seen you coming" and let the customer know that they'd have to find another seat. that's not my job, and if having your own personal spot to place your butt is so damn important to you - then go home!

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

2008-08-19T12:31:00.000-07:00

as per every six months, my manager sat down with me recently to go over my review. now, i never sweat these things because i'm very good at what i do, and my managers know it. in fact, my reviews are always very short and sweet because there's never any need for clarification or discussion.
this review, however, was by far the most entertaining one i've ever had.
of course i scored very high, and of course my raise was deserved, but there was one comment my manager made that had me in stitches.
under "areas of opportunity" my manager wrote:
'brat needs to be more welcoming of new policies and needs to embrace change within the company.'

i tell you, i let out a roar of laughter when i read that.
you see, i don't deny that i've been resistant to the 'new and improved' changes bux has been making. in fact, i've been quite vocal within my store concerning the ridiculous (in my opinion) decisions howard has made since his re-coronation as ceo.
not only do these new decisions add more work (with no additional labor allotted) for baristas, but they also are money-wasters.
seriously.
does anyone remember that failure called 'chantico'?
now the latest thing is our vivannos, which have not been the smashing success we baristas were supposed to make them.
and remember when howard said he was getting rid of the the breakfast sandwiches? well, he's not. they are here to stay, and will be joined by oatmeal.
that's right.
we will soon be selling oatmeal as part of our breakfast menu.
'but what about the coffee, howard?!?' you might have heard me scream.
well, his answer is this: protein lattes.

i. kid. you. not.

oh yeah - coming soon bux will be offering protein lattes for those customers who feel the milk in their beverage is just not enough protein in their cups.
now maybe it's me. maybe i'm the one that's totally off base. perhaps there are a million people out there who sigh each time they take a sip of their bux beverage and think "oh, if only this latte had five more grams of protein - THEN my life would be perfect!"
or maybe this will be yet another promotion that will be pushed, then forgotten.
and, to top it all off, those horrendous chanticos have gone through a metamorphosis and will return as 'signature hot chocolates'. which again means more work for the baristas with no added labor to the schedule.

seriously, howard needs to work an hour in my store - or any store - so he can see the reality of what is going on in bux. sending us memos and dvds with 'inspirational' tripe which supposedly reiterate his passion for coffee is NOT cutting it with us baristas. we don't believe it anymore. his actions do not match his words.
but maybe it's just me. maybe i just need to find bux redemption in the bottom of an oatmeal cup.

barista rant: are you blind, or just passive aggressive? first you literally PUSHED me out of your way while i was cleaning up the condiment bar. excuse me for assuming you'd like to prepare your coffee at a clean spot. then you rolled your eyes because i was restocking the napkins. seriously - it took me all of 5 seconds to fill the napkin dispenser, so why the attitude? and then, after i'd cleaned and stocked, you decided that spilling nonfat milk all over the counter was apparently justified. not only that, you grabbed a napkin to wrap around your cup, yet left that nasty spill in plain sight. it took all my control to keep from calling you a cow to your face.

the steve urkel of starbucks

2008-07-30T14:06:00.000-07:00

blogger hates me....it really does. it ate yesterday's post so i'll have to start anew.

for the past few months my schedule has been very consistent at bux. this means i normally see the same customers each week and work with the same baristas. occasionally, however, i'll work with a barista that i barely know.
for months i've been hearing complaints about the latest transfer to our store. she was hired (i believe) because she wouldn't need to be trained like a newbie, but on day one it was apparent to everyone that she knew next to nothing about making drinks. she also is compulsively late to her shifts, with each "reason" being more fantastic than the previous one.

"my power went out!" was the excuse she gave for her first bout of tardiness.
"the police blocked off my street and i couldn't leave until they searched my car!" was what we were told the next week.
then the stories got more elaborate:
"my dog was throwing up all night and i had to take him to the emergency hospital. in fact, he might die, i'm not sure, but i'm supposed to make sure he gets his medication every three hours, so can i leave early?"
"oh my god! i accidentally switched phones with my sister and when i set the alarm i didn't realize it was on pm and not on am. that's also why i didn't answer when you called me!"
"my car broke down and the taxi service says they won't come pick me up because i only have a credit card and their only available taxis are cash only. and the bus that comes near my house just changed the schedule so i won't be able to get there for at least another couple hours!"

but her tardiness is not the only reason for complaints. she's loud, annoying, just stands in front of the register, gets in the way of those actually working, and tries to become your new bff within the first five minutes of meeting you. if you correct her, or ask her to do something she squeals "my bad! i'll do better next time!" only to continue in her usual habit of laziness.

so, when i found out i'd be working several hours with her this past weekend, i wasn't that enthused. however, i'm used to dealing with lazy baristas, so i figured it really wouldn't be THAT much more work to deal with her.
how. wrong. was. i.

if it were just the fact that i had to tell her what to do every five minutes, it wouldn't have been that bad - but having to listen to her run her mouth non-stop was really draining. whether she was chatting with the customers, or trying to talk to us baristas, it was physically exhausting to just be around her while she had the mouth runs. and it wasn't that she was just talking to hear herself talk - she definitely wanted an audience who would give her feedback and input.
i'm sorry, but i'm just not that patient and/or compassionate to deal with the issues of someone i hardly know, and really don't like.

"good god, is this what you have to deal with everyday?" i asked superlead after our new annoying partner had left for the day.
"actually, she was tolerable today. usually it's much, much worse."
"maybe it's just because she's young that she's so immature." i tried to reason.
"uh, she's not that young." superlead gave me a look. "she's in her thirties."
"you're friggen' kidding me." i couldn't believe superlead was telling the truth.
"seriously, she's way old enough to know that her behaviour is NOT how you influence people and gain friends."

which brought me to a strange sort of quandary. on the one hand i feel bad for her. socially she is totally inept. it's clear she wants to be liked, and not feel like an outsider, but she is going about it in a way that only alienates her more. which leads to the other hand - she has been on this planet long enough to know that her method of social interaction clearly does NOT work. that forcing herself onto other people is NOT the way you make new friends. and that being lazy and making up dumb excuses certainly isn't going to make her any more popular.

so, i guess i'm just counting myself lucky that i don't have to work with her all that often, and when i do i guess i'll just try to deal. like always.

barista rant: i'm sick of you scammers trying to get things for free, and then threatening my job because i won't comply! so what, you spent thirty dollars on a gift card last week. so what, you claim my manager gave you a free drink because you threw thirty bucks down for that gift card. firstly, i don't believe he gave you a free drink. secondly, no matter how much you bitch, you're not getting a free drink for buying another card. thirdly, i don't care if you call my manager to complain about me and try to get me fired. we don't give away free drinks when you buy a gift card! if you really got a free drink last time, consider yourself lucky and don't threaten to get me in trouble because i'm doing my job!!!

customer comeuppance

2008-07-10T13:33:00.000-07:00

for the most part my bux has some really great customers. of course, we get our share of caffeine addicts that believe our only mission in life to serve them in a manner suited for ramses the great. no matter how accommodating we baristas try to be, these customers are dead set on being annoyed by everything we do (and do correctly, i might add).
i've been in my green apron long enough to know that these people are just outright jerks and nothing i do will make them happy. the poor newbies, however, who are blindsided by these vicious customers are usually rendered useless for a few minutes and have to compose themselves in the backroom until they are 'strong' enough to continue making drinks and ringing customers. it really is trial by fire, and unfortunately we can't always tell which customers will be the pains and which will be the angels.

in the past week we've had a couple gems to deal with. and yes, the poor newbies did take the brunt of the abuse, but at least there was some sweet justice that followed:

- on a busy friday morning one of our newbies was having a very difficult time with a picky customer. this customer wanted a "perfect pastry" from the case and made the newbie offer each pastry up for inspection.
"that one is too small!" she'd complain. "that one isn't square enough!", "that one doesn't look flavorful enough!". i swear, i thought she was auditioning for the role of friggen' goldilocks. finally when she 'settled' for a less than perfect pastry, she repeated an equally annoying process when ordering her drink. not only did she give newbie very specific instructions to write on the cup, but she micromanaged every single letter he wrote and demanded to inspect the cup after he'd marked it.
"what the hell is this?!?" she asked, upset that newbie wrote "3=" in the custom box instead of "3 equals" and made him rewrite the whole damn order on a new cup.
while waiting for her drink, she accused newbie of giving her the wrong pastry, and demanded deafeningly he change it for a better one. by the time her drink was ready, newbie was on the verge of a breakdown. after arguing with another person at the condiment bar, picky customer finally left our bux. upon exiting the store, she tripped over her own feet and dropped her perfectly marked drink as she tried to catch the pastry she'd flung through the air. the pastry landed in a puddle of water, and her drink spilled all over the sidewalk.
"FUCK IT!" she screamed and got in her car and drove away.

- my bux parking lot is very cramped and busy. now, i'm not a road rage sort of person, but i do expect other people to obey traffic rules. even though i had the right of way, a bitch in a white bmw decided the red octagon with the white letters that spelled out "STOP" was not intended for her. she gunned her motor and pulled directly in front of me, cutting me off and gesticulating wildly the whole time. i could only laugh because of how ridiculously she was behaving.
as she waited to pull into a spot directly in front of my store i managed to squeeze my car past hers, park in a vacant spot only ten feet away, and enter my store before she'd had a chance to complete her parking job.
because of her actions in the parking lot i was not surprised to see her stomp into my bux, huff about the loooong line (seriously, there were only two people ahead of her), and then demand her drink be made quickly because she was in such a hurry. now, i could have been a horrid barista and made her a disgusting drink, but i decided it would be much more poetic if i had a newbie make her drink instead - since i was sure it would take newbie twice as long. of course, the bitch with the bmw was quite vocal about having to wait, and i just smiled sweetly and explained that we had a new partner training on the bar. then bitch with the bmw got a call on her cell phone and went outside for ten minutes, while her drink sat on the hand-off counter.
when she came back into the store, she complained that the drink was too cool and wanted it made again because she comes in "all the time!" (and no - none of us baristas had ever seen her before). so of course i let newbie make her drink for the second time. surprise, surprise, bitch in the bmw wasn't happy with drink #2 either. so it was made a third time (still not by me, of course) and she still wasn't happy with it, but since we'd "wasted so much of her time" she took it anyway and angrily drove off.
awww, sweet schadenfreude!

partner rant: ok. i understand that part of my job requires me to 'talk up' new beverages and products we sell. and i know another part of my job requires me to participate in store meetings where we learn and discuss these new products. but when we baristas (rightfully) voice our concerns and doubts about our new fruit blended drinks, we should not be berated, nor blamed for the past failures of the bigwigs in seattle. telling us the reason breakfast sandwiches and chantico drinks went bust was because we baristas were not "solidly behind the product" is a bunch of bull. no matter how much we may try to convince our customers to try something new (or even lie to them and tell them how much we love it) will NOT ensure that customers will go ga-ga over a mcmuffin ripoff or a small cup of melted chocolate. in fact, give us baristas credit for the fact we all successfully predicted how terribly those new products would be received instead of using us as the scapegoat for how poorly our company is doing at present.

the brat lives!

2008-07-03T11:22:00.000-07:00

not sure if anyone is still checking up on this blog since i've been away for months.
i have some very good reasons for being absent, and some very bad ones.

honestly, i've been frustrated with the whole bux environment and haven't really wanted to blog about it. this blog, after all, is called 'barista brat' and not 'barista bitch'. i felt all my posts were becoming quite bitter and angry, and although this is where i come to vent - i didn't think it appropriate to spew just for the sake of spewing.

so....i'm back.
not quite as cheerful as i used to be, and still very bitter, but i will make a concerted effort to entertain and not just emote.

i'm sure many of you saw the reports that bux will be closing 600 stores nationwide.
as of now, my store is not on the short list to be shut down. in fact, i don't think any of the stores in my district will be affected, so it will be business as usual for the brat.
am i surprised by the news that bux is doing so poorly that they will have to shut down 600 stores?
uh, i have a two-word response: breakfast sandwiches.

ok, ok, i know the stupid ovens and sandwiches were not the sole reason for our stock plummeting and our sales dropping. but honestly, when bux focuses on products that are NOT coffee related, the stores suffer. it's true.
now we are hit with the news that some stores will be serving sorbetto beverages (and yes, that means they will have yet another huge, annoying machine to deal with) and all stores will have new 'nutritional fruit blended beverages' on the menu.
really?!?
are there not enough jamba juices, robeks and booster juices on the planet for people to get their smoothie fix? does howard schultz really think offering a smoothie to a frappuccino drinker is going to bring our stock up? does he think people will forgo the long lines at jamba to stand in a long line at bux just for a 16 oz smoothie that contains a banana and some protein?

honestly, i was hopeful when it seemed bux was putting the focus back on coffee. but i think superlead was right when she said she believed it was more of a publicity stunt than an actual commitment to serving the best coffee all the time. we baristas are not feeling 'backed up' by the bigwigs in seattle. this company has changed since i was a newbie barista, and i know that change is to be expected. but to be perfectly honest: bux was a much better employer 'back in the day'. i still hang on to the hope that howard can pull it all back together, but so far i've not been impressed with his decisions.

barista rant: baristas and managers are not perfect, nor are we clairvoyant. we did not expect the insane heatwave, and yes we were caught unprepared. i'm so sorry that we did not have enough flat lids for your iced drinks. i'm sorry you were so inconvenienced with looking at a dome lid sitting atop your iced coffee. did you not notice that every other customer ALSO had a dome lid? so why, after seeing the ten people ahead of you walk away with dome lids on their drinks, did you walk up to the bar and ask me for a flat lid? uh, HELLO?!? did you honestly think i was saving them for the special people who knew how to ask for them? did you think somehow i would manage to pull one out from my apron just for you? use your brain! or is that dome empty too?

beware the gripes of march

2008-03-05T21:12:00.000-08:00

ok - so when superlead tells me to get off my ass and start posting, i know i'm in trouble.

as i'm sure most of you know, we baristas all got "re-trained" last tuesday.
was it worth it to close the stores early for this training?
mmm...maybe.
for the baristas who already do their job the way they're supposed to, it was a waste of an evening. for the baristas who cut corners, don't pay attention to detail, or know how to aerate foam properly, it was a good way to make it clear that they need to change their ways.

in a way it was nice to hear that howard wants us to go back to quality - that we shouldn't feel pressured to hand off a crappy drink in record time.
"the customer would rather wait a few more minutes for a drink that tastes good, rather than instantly get a drink that tastes bad." said our trainers. "if you mess up a drink, go ahead and remake it - it's better to hand out a drink that tastes of quality."
"so, does that mean it doesn't count against us if it takes longer than three minutes for the customer to get their drink after walking through the front door?" superlead asked.
"no." our trainers told us. "the three-minute rule is still in place."

uh, yeah.

BUT on a totally different note, i must take some time to tell you about doobie newbie.
as you may recall, doobie was a very difficult newbie.
totally baked in the beginning, it seemed like he would never get the hang of being a barista. not only was he super sssslllllooooooowwwww, but he couldn't remember drink recipes, how to ring up customers, or even how to change the trash.
week after week we expected to see him quit or be fired.
week after week he hung on.
and now months later i am so happy to say that doobie newbie is now a GOOD barista.
sure, he's not super fast, and he still has some doobie moments, but he is a completely different person now than he was when he started.
and it certainly wasn't an overnight change.
it was very gradual. one week he could actually remember how many pumps to put into a grande vanilla latte. a few weeks later he was no longer making mistakes when marking cups, etc. finally, the time came when no one was complaining about him anymore, a time when i wouldn't cringe when i saw he was working the same shift as i was.
i made sure to tell doobie how proud i was of him, and how glad i was that he was fully in the barista groove. it's now a pleasure to work with him, and he always puts in 110% when he works with me.
yay for doobie!

and now i must start my very long barista/partner rant:
the other day there were only two baristas on the floor (i happened to be the barista on register that day). it was one of those 'machine gun burst' afternoons, when four or five customers would come in at a time. after one of our mini rushes (in which we ended up with a line of 6 frappuccinos as well as bar drinks) another group of four customers entered our store.
"i want an venti decaf americano." an older woman told me, then paid for her drink. after that a man ordered a hazelnut latte, a woman ordered an iced tea and her friend ordered an iced coffee.
the barista at bar was still working on the frappuccinos, even as i was taking the last order. when he handed off the final two frappuccinos, the older woman threw her hands up in the air and hissed at my fellow barista "where is MY drink? i ordered waaaaay before that man and he has BOTH of his drinks!".
"i'm sorry ma'am, but there was a line of drinks ahead of yours. i'm starting on the americano now." he politely informed her.
meanwhile, since i had no customers to ring up, i made the iced tea and iced coffee drink while my fellow barista waited for the decaf shots to pull for the bitter woman's americano.
now, i would have waited to hand off the iced tea and iced coffee since it was clear the bitter old woman was already in a tiff, but fellow barista went ahead and called out those drinks while the last of the decaf shots were pulled.
"I WANT TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER!" the bitter lady shouted. "THIS IS RIDICULOUS! EVERYONE IS GETTING THEIR DRINKS BEFORE ME!"
"ma'am, you're drink takes longer to make than those other two. i've been working on your drink this whole time." the barista calmly explained, but she wasn't having any of it.
"get me your manager!" she hissed at me, apparently sick of dealing with the barista at bar.
i went to the back room to get mr. split and quickly explained the situation: that the woman was mistaken in thinking the frappuccinos were ordered after her and that the other two drinks were not espresso based drinks.

soooooo -
the bitter lady gets on her soapbox and just starts spewing anything starbucks related that comes to mind.
"you're supposed to be focused on customers, but this is the WORST customer service i have ever received! i've been a loyal customer for years - i'm even a SHAREHOLDER, but i will be selling my stocks soon because it's clear that this company is going down the tubes!"
mr. split patiently listened to her go off before he apologized and offered her a beverage certificate. he also attempted to explain that there were indeed drinks in queue before hers, but she wasn't about to listen to reason. she started AGAIN about the stocks, and horrible customer service, yadda yadda.
so then mr. split offers to refund her drink, AS WELL AS giving her a free drink coupon.
this is the part that really upsets me.
starbucks is so "focused" on making the customer happy, that they basically let stupid customers get away with anything. what is so frustrating is that this woman TRULY thinks she was wronged! not only that - she ends up with two free drinks!
baristas are powerless in situations like these. this bitter old woman is going to call up corporate, believing her drink was left behind (because policy says to let the customer complain, and then do WHATEVER we can to make them happy), corporate will come down on us and our district manager will have to have a special meeting with all parties involved so that we know what we did wrong and how we should avoid it in the future.
if we actually try to explain our part of the situation, we are labelled "defensive" and "argumentative" and can possibly get a write up for it.
i know how important customer service is, but it is also important to back up your baristas.

perpetual grind

2008-01-24T23:20:00.000-08:00

wow.

i can't believe it's been almost a month since i last posted. i can assure you its not because things have been dull and boring, that's for certain.

let me start with the biggest news of all - howard schultz has again taken control of our company. this news has made several partners and share holders ecstatic. in fact, when the news broke my store was abuzz with hopeful chatter of rising stocks and disappearing ovens.
so, has this rotation of power actually changed anything?
well, not yet.

BUT the company IS going to finally do something about the ovens!
well, not exactly to do with the ovens but their horrendous output of stink.
bux, in all it's infinite wisdom, has decided that customers and partners have a valid complaint! in fact, bux apparently wholeheartedly agrees that burnt cheese and pre-cooked eggs are no substitute for the olfactory heaven that is brewed coffee.
so, to combat the stench of the ovens, baristas will no longer be opening pre-packs of ground coffee to brew. oh no. we will now have to grind pounds upon pounds of beans for our daily brew.

pounds upon POUNDS!

now, a pre-packed case of ground coffee comes in units of 28. my store goes through at least two cases a day. that's 56 packs. 56.
a full batch of coffee that we grind weighs .56 pounds (wow, what a strange coincidence!)
so, let's do the math. 56 packs multiplied by .56 pounds equals 31.36 pounds.
did you read that?!?!?
we have to grind a minimum of thirty-one pounds of beans a day! not only will it take an insane amount of labor to grind these beans, we also have to portion each batch out!
guess how many extra hours bux has given us for this huge daily task?

0.
zero.
zilch.

somehow, some way, we are going to have to squeeze the extra labor from our milk-stained aprons.
now, for those of you who have been loyal bux customers for more than ten years, you might be saying to yourself: "what the hell is brat complaining about?!? i remember the baristas used to ALWAYS grind the coffee themselves!"
and i will respond with this: "but those baristas back in the day didn't have sandwiches (warmed or pre-packed), dozens of frappuccino combinations, extra machines to clean (more than one bar, the frappuccino dispenser, and two ovens), an insane amount of syrups, and friggen' shaken ice teas!!!!"

the modern bux barista has more duties, more customers, and less time to accomplish all their tasks. and now, our beloved siren has made sure that there will be no such thing as 'down time'. that there will be no pauses in the customer flow where we can catch up on prepping, cleaning and training.

and for those of you that think "well, i get lattes anyway so my drink won't be affected by this." - think again.

grinding 31 pounds of coffee means one less person on the bar to make your drink.
BUT that's not the only issue you'll encounter!
bux has ALSO decided that our espresso machines don't give off enough of an espresso aroma, so now all our machines will be retooled to pull longer shots. that's right - they are 'fixing' our espresso bars so that they too can combat the horrid stench from the ovens.
that means it will take longer to prepare your drinks. mind you, the whole reason we have these automatic bars is because the manual ones were "not efficient enough".
but bux is only 'fixing' one bar at a time, so if you order two tall lattes, one will taste significantly stronger than the other - meaning ordering your bar drinks is basically a crapshoot. it might be too strong, it might be too weak, but the one thing you can count on is that you'll be waiting longer for your caffeine fix.

all i can say is that these latest corporate "improvements" have made me very happy that my non-barista life has been so very productive and lucrative.

barista rant: if you're going to use 'fancy lingo' to order your drink, then know what the hell it is you're ordering!!! if you ask for a 'skinny vanilla latte' that's what you're going to get. we have posters all around the store explaining what a skinny vanilla latte is. so when we call it out, please don't take a sip and pretend to gag, claiming splenda makes you ill and you specifically did not order sugar-free vanilla. don't then ask for a skinny mocha to be made with regular mocha and percent milk. and don't argue with your barista when he tries to educate you!

fa-la-la-la-blah

2007-12-28T11:28:00.000-08:00

first, i hope everyone had a great holiday.

now, on to the griping:
this wasn't a great christmas for my bux. in fact, we barely even noticed it was the holiday season. there were some good things that happened, like barista buddy coming back, and surprise gifts from customers, but all in all my store lacked cheer.
part of it was our district manager who came in often to point out every microscopic flaw my bux had. another part of it was the virus that attacked many of our baristas, causing a lot of shifts to be run short.
but the biggest thorn in our collective side is our newest newbie, crack junior.

now, i'm sure you all remember my rants about mr. 'cracks-under-pressure' newbie who forgot his partner numbers, couldn't remember recipes, and had a non-existent attention span.
well...crack junior is all that and more.
in fact, the first time i saw crack junior i said to superlead "doesn't he remind you of mr. 'cracks-under-pressure'"?
unfortunately the resemblance isn't just physical.

crack junior has been at my bux for weeks and still doesn't know how to make a single drink. he isn't friendly to customers, mis-marks cups, and does not listen at all to anyone. everyday i come to work there are new crack junior stories from my fellow baristas.
"yesterday he knocked over the trash, and instead of cleaning it up he just looked at it like it was a newborn baby."
"i sent him back to do dishes and very plainly told him to ask me where everything went so he wouldn't have to pile it all up on the shelf. i go back to check up on him and sure enough everything is piled up. when i reminded him he was supposed to ask me where to put things, he just looked at me."
"i taught him how to prep the whipped cream containers and made sure he knew to use WHIPPING CREAM and not HALF&HALF. of course, every single one he prepped was made with half&half."
"the lead sent him on a trash run and told crack junior to empty all the trash cans in the lobby. he even pointed out where each and every trash can was. so after crack junior comes back and says he's done, the lead asks him 'you got all the lobby trash?' and crack junior says 'uh, that's the one next to the milk and sugar?' and the lead says 'yeeeeaaaaaahhh, but you were supposed to get ALL the lobby trash - like the ones near the doors and in the bathroom.' crack junior shrugged his shoulders and says 'uh, no. i didn't know i was supposed to get those too'."

everyone has a crack junior story and everyone is at their limit with him.
and even though he is just as useless as his predecessor, there is something different about him that really rubs everyone the wrong way.
a fellow barista brat thinks it's just we have no more patience for such stupidity. that we were ecstatic the other newbie quit, and we now have no tolerance for people who can't catch on.
i think it's a bit more than that.
crack junior doesn't act clueless when he works. he acts like he couldn't care less. in fact, he acts like he's above wearing the green apron.
apparently crack junior is a recent graduate of famous university where he had a very high gpa. and apparently working at bux was the last thing he wanted to do with his life after receiving his diploma.
i'm fine with that.
if you think wearing a green apron lowers your status, then DON'T WEAR THE FRIGGEN' GREEN APRON! go find a job that fits your self-worth and be good at it, instead of 'settling' for bux and making your co-workers lives harder because they have to pick up your slack.

this weekend i have two shifts with crack junior.
wish me luck.

customer rant: don't lie to customers about drink recipes. just don't. when i order a chai latte, i expect a chai latte. not a chai latte with an added shot of espresso. when i inform you that there's espresso in my chai, don't lie to me and say, 'oh! i accidentally used the old recipe. the one where we used to put coffee in the chais. they recently changed it, but i'll make you a new one!" believe me, i'll respect you more if you just cop to the fact that you made a mistake, instead of making up a story about drink recipes changing.

thanksgiving came late

2007-12-05T18:10:00.000-08:00

in the past couple weeks there's been a few events at my bux that have made the brat very, very happy:

1. doobie newbie is finally getting the hang of being a barista.

as you well know, it's been a looooooong journey getting doobie newbie on track. constant on the job training didn't work. warnings that his status as a barista was in danger didn't work either. amazingly, the only thing to light a fire under his apron was working with mr. 'cracks under pressure' newbie.
that's right. apparently all doobie newbie needed to get in line was to work with someone who performed just as poorly as he did.
"what is wrong with this guy?" doobie newbie complained to me. "he can't remember anything! he doesn't even know how to make a latte!"
"uh, yeah." i tried to reply evenly. "see how your job becomes twice as hard when you work with someone who can't perform basic barista duties?"
"oh my god." he shook his head, sensing not an ounce of irony. "he so useless! why does he even work here?"
with every shift he shared with mr. 'cracks under pressure', doobie newbie improved exponentially. he's now a completely different barista than he was three weeks ago, and although there's always room for improvement, he's no longer the one guy everyone hates to work with.

2. mr. 'cracks under pressure' finally got a clue.

i'm not sure if it was due to the constant coaching from all his fellow baristas, the constant complaints from customers, or the constant bouts of "forgetfulness" but mr. 'cracks under pressure' finally realized bux was not the place for him. let me tell you, not one barista was sad to hear that he'd put in his two week notice. and i wasn't even upset when he did a no-call/no-show on my shift. as i told my manager - it was easier to work my shift one barista short than to have to spend the night babysitting the newbie. i wish him all the best and hope he finds a job more suitable for him.

3. barista buddy is back!

i had the pleasure and privilege to work with barista buddy when i started at my current bux. he is one of the greatest guys i've ever met, and our store was heartbroken when he was transferred out of our district. well now he's back, and my fellow baristas and i couldn't be happier. customers are also happy to see him back which hopefully means are tips will be better as well.

so now, as we are heavily into the red cup season, i have several reasons to be enthusiastic about my bux. we are finally pulling out of that dreadful downward spiral, and things are definitely looking up. yes, we still have those horrid ovens, and yes some of our customers are certifiable, but at least we exchanged one bad egg for a good one, and a formerly failing barista is now doing his green apron justice.

partner rant: why is there james taylor on our holiday cd?!? last year our cd was filled with christmas, hanukkah and seasonal music. now, just as we get into the holiday mood, non-holiday music pipes through our speakers and makes it feel like it's just an ordinary week at bux. even customers have asked "where's the christmas music?"

no lovin' for the oven

2007-11-09T12:04:00.000-08:00

i have no idea who came up with the idea. i have no clue as to why a committee approved it. and i'm not quite sure how the guys in seattle could fool themselves into thinking it would be a huge money maker that would push our stocks back up to 35 bux a share.
but whatever the case or cause was, we baristas are now cursed with ovens in our stores.

i'm sure you can well guess our initial protests to the convection ovens: it's yet another machine to clean, another way to make the line move slower, and another item for customers to bitch about. and although i'm sure all these concerns were brought up to corporate, in their infinite wisdom they decided that all company owned stores NEEDED to have ovens on the premises.

now, the ovens were brought forth so that we could serve breakfast sandwiches. and i'm sure someone, somewhere bought a cup of starbucks coffee and wished they didn't have to then travel to mcdonald's for their egg mcmuffin. so for them, the introduction of the ovens was marketing genius. however, there's an equal (if not larger) number of people who were glad that they didn't have to smell the scent of pre-cooked eggs and soggy bacon while they waited for their lattes.
and yes - not only are they annoying to clean (seriously, the aroma of the cleaning spray induces gagging) and increase the wait time for customers, they are also very hazardous to baristas!

everyone in my store has fallen victim to these awful ovens. i have received blisters just from removing pastries from the oven (with the specified long handled tongs, mind you), superlead received a third degree burn from a breakfast sandwich that fought back (yes - the cheese splattered on her as she opened the oven), and other baristas also begrudgingly wear the battle wounds from these 'new money-makers'.

but it's not just the blisters, burns, and added cleaning that frustrate us baristas. it's the customers that want their muffins, danishes and sandwiches warmed to specific temperatures, or want their lattes 'zapped' so that it's a little hotter, or even want the bottom of their coffee cake room temperature, while the top is 'browned' a bit more. and of course we try to educate each customer that we cannot cater to their whims, but still arguments ensue.

my favorite so far:
customer: hi! i'm in here everyday! can you warm my slice of pizza for me?
barista brat: (searching brain for recollection of customer, but there's none) i'm sorry, we can't warm up items from other places. just starbucks food.
customer: but i'm in here everyday! it's just a slice of pizza! can't you zap if for half a minute?
barista brat: no, i'm sorry. it's a health code violation. we are not allowed to put anything in the ovens that isn't from starbucks.
customer: well, just leave the pizza in the box! seriously - i'm here everyday! can't you just do it for me?
barista brat: uh, no. it's a violation, plus the box would catch on fire.
customer: (now wearing a bitch-face) it will NOT catch fire! i KNOW how a MICROWAVE works!
barista brat: it's NOT a MICROWAVE. it's an oven and the answer is still 'no'.
customer: i can't believe you won't do this one little thing for me. i'm here everyday!

partner rant: i know that although our aprons are green, we are far from being a 'green' company. and really, i'm ok with that. what i'm not ok with is the amount of food waste in our stores. why do stores get in trouble for not marking out enough pastries? i understand you want our customers to have an abundance of choice, but when i have to toss out dozens of pastries and sandwiches a night, it's clear there's a waste problem. if you want us to get rid of the excess pastries, then at least make it easier for us to donate these food items to charities or shelters.

newbie blues

2007-10-27T11:54:00.000-07:00

we have a newbie infestation.

not only do we have a ton of new hires on hand for the holidays, we also are training newbies for the brand new store that will be opening in a few weeks.
let me tell you - they don't make newbies like they used to.

at first i was blaming the managers for hiring people that clearly are not cut out to work at bux - that maybe they were just so desperate for bodies to put in aprons that they were hiring any and everyone with decent availability. but then i realized that even the dumbest people can interview well. they just can't follow it up by working well.

here is a list of the recent newbie screw-ups that my store has had to deal with:

the tagger - while learning how to ring on the register, this newbie decided to use the sharpie given to him to write on the counter, the pastry case and the register he was assigned to. not only was he stupid enough to tag in the first place, but he used his real first name, making it especially easy to finger him as the culprit.

the addict - this newbie begged to do a trash run to the dumpster. when we realized he'd been gone longer than necessary a fellow barista went out to check on him. he found the newbie four feet from the front door smoking a cigarette. newbie pretended he had no idea he wasn't allowed to smoke while on duty and returned to the store. not only did he try to sneak in a smoke break, he never even made it to the dumpster to toss the trash.

mr. 'short-term memory' - this is the most dangerous sort of newbie. the kind that seems to comprehend everything said to him, and then proceeds to forget it in a matter of seconds. mr. short-term was asked to a)sweep the lobby, b)fill the napkins and c)change the milk containers. not a minute later he was back at his register. "did you check the lobby already?" i asked him, only to be answered with a blank look accomponied by a "huh?". i had to walk him through our last conversation to remind him that he'd been assigned tasks. after telling him (again) the three things he needed to get done he proceeded to check the lobby. when he had 'finished' i realized he'd forgotten to fill the napkins and change the milks, so i called him on it. his response? "oh, you wanted me to do those things too?".

the second guesser - this newbie wants so badly to do a good job that she refuses to trust her instincts. after going over the 3-4-5 rule with her dozens of times, i put her on bar so that she could get practice making drinks. the very first drink she was to make was a grande mocha. before putting the syrup in the cup, she pulled out her training booklet. "what are you doing?" i asked her, shocked that she could forget the 3-4-5 rule so soon. "just making sure i have the recipe right," she answered. she proceeded to make the drink correctly and i thought all was good. until i noticed she pulled out her booklet before every drink - even when she had to make another grande mocha.

mr. 'cracks under pressure' - every newbie is assigned a partner number. this is the number you clock in and out with, the number you assign a till with, and the number you use to log into the register in order to ring customers up. so, this newbie (who will not last past the holidays, i'm sure) came in on his scheduled shift, clocked in (with his numbers), was asked to assign a till (using his numbers) and was then asked to ring up customers (again, with his numbers). after an hour of alternating between being on till and prepping product, mr. cracks under pressure called me over to his register. "brat, i'm having a problem," he confided to me while twitching nervously. "what's the issue?" i asked, a bit pissed because he was taking so long at ringing up customers. "uh, i'm having issues with ringing her up," he pointed to the woman in line who wanted to purchase a mug. "well, put your numbers in and then scan the barcode." i told him (with little patience). "that's the problem," he twitched some more, "i forgot my numbers." i had to take a good three seconds to compose myself before i responded to him. "you. forgot. your. numbers?" i asked increduously. "uh, yeah. i'm getting them confused with my social security number." he admitted. i sent him to do dishes while i finished ringing up the line. a half hour later he happily informed me that he had miraculously remembered his numbers.

miss 'does not compute' - this newbie is extrememly unclear on the concept. after learning how to make frappuccinos, she was asked to do some practice drinks. instead of filling the blender with liquid, ice and syrup, she filled a grande cup with the ingredients. then she proceeded to place the cup on the blender unit and pressed the button. "it's not working!" she cried out. "um," the lead on duty tried hard to contain his laughter. "it's not possible to blend a drink in the cup you're going to serve it in. you have to blend it in a BLENDER." she also thought changing the milk pitchers meant putting the half&half pitcher where the nonfat pitcher was and vice versa. and when a customer asked for an iced latte, she made a hot latte and added ice. and no - i don't feel the least bit bad for writing "i am sofa king we todd did" on a piece of paper for her to read aloud. btw - she read it ten times and never got the joke.

partner rant: we are on a course for destruction. our store is about to implode. there are a handful of us baristas who are holding this shit together (including the manager). if you don't want to do your job, then leave. it doesn't matter that we like you outside of work, or that you're a cool person to be around. if you're not pulling your weight, you're making my job that much harder. our tips suck because our customers don't want to reward subpar work. morale is down, the store is a mess and we are always running out of product. now we are heading into holiday and things are only going to become more difficult. i used to love my job, and now i'm dreading it. if people don't start perfoming like they should, i might be the one looking for something new to do.

bux, rotten bux

2007-10-03T22:27:00.000-07:00

i know, i know - brat has been MIA for awhile.
i have to be honest. the past couple weeks at bux have been rough. after dealing with another rash of newbies, an assistant manager who freaks out on an hourly basis, and the crazy after-school rushes, i've been less than enthusiastic about keeping my green apron on while i'm off the clock.

in fact, lately i've been dreading going to work at bux at all. i still love all my bux friends, and most our customers still brighten my day, but when you spend each and every shift training (or RE-training) someone how to make a latte, ring up a pastry, or even how to double bag a trash can, well, it can get tiresomely redundant.
and when our district manager comes in and micro-manages every aspect of our store operations (even down to what color marker we use for the coffee tags), it not only interrupts the natural flow of the store, but puts every barista on edge as well.
but the worse of the worst has to be mr. split personality assistant manager.

now you may recall that mr. split personality and i have some mutual friends, which immediately meant i was mr. split's bff at bux. believe it or not, mr. split is a really cool guy. yeah, he's a bit awkward socially, and sometimes he can be clingy, but for the most part people genuinely like him - except for when he's wearing his green apron.

maybe it's because mr. split personality is one of those types who can't handle stress, or maybe it's because he's the kind of guy that lets the smallest thing ruin his whole day - no matter the cause, the effect is that every single barista HATES working with him.

"how's your day been so far?" i asked a shiny newbie her second day on the job.
"well..." she started slowly, choosing her words carefully. "when i work with you, or with the other baristas, everything is cool and fun. but when i work with mr. split my shoulders touch my ears because i'm so stressed and freaked out."
"uh, yeah," i wrinkled my nose. "he has that effect on everyone."
"thank god - because i thought it was just me." she breathed a sigh of relief. "i was afraid i was so bad that i was throwing him off his game."
"unfortunately," i rolled my eyes, "that IS his game."

i was talking with super lead (formerly known as awesomely amazing barista) about mr. split and we've come to this conclusion: this job is not for him.

yes, he WANTS to be a good assistant manager.
and yes, he REALLY tries to do a good job, but the problem is that he is not equipped to handle the high volume, high workload, and high expectations of his position (although i've heard from many parties that he wasn't all that qualified to be a barista, either). and when someone, be it our manager or a barista, tries to let him know how to be more effective at his job,or points out something he didn't do to standard, he gets defensive and pissy.
now mind you - this is the guy that was angry and depressed for three days straight when he found out a girl he'd met on eharmony was thirty pounds heavier than her picture portrayed her to be. imagine what he's like when a barista has to correct his cup markings.

the flip side is that when he's not stressed, not messing up, and not making our jobs more difficult, he's very upbeat and fun (although he is often reminiscent of a tag along sibling).
i get the impression that he knows his position in our store is on the line - that all parties involved know he's not up to task. it remains to be seen if that will get him to shape up, or if he will go completely mental.

barista rant: do not blame me for your mistake. if you are stupid enough to take someone else's drink when i call it out, don't assume i'm stupid enough to believe it was my fault - no matter what excuse you make. don't tell me that i called the drink out wrong. don't tell the other customer that i mixed up the order of the drinks. don't explain to me how i set the drink in front of you, called out your name and beverage, yet handed you a drink that belonged to a totally different customer. and don't expect me to apologize, or use my sweet barista voice, when i set you straight.

insult to injury

2007-09-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

working at bux, you get used to people talking smack, running scams, and hurling insults your way. it's par for the course, and usually it's pretty easy to ignore/laugh off the stupidity you must endure each week, but occasionally there will be times when it will take every bit of self-control not to go off on someone.

this past week i had just such an encounter.

i've complained often about mr. whim and his never-ending drink complaints: "this is too foamy, it's not hot enough, there's not enough espresso, it tastes funny, too much ice, etc., etc."
but last week mr. whim went too far.

now, i know some of you might be thinking, "but brat, you've dealt with mr. whim countless times in the past. why was this time around so much more egregious?"
well, i'll tell you.

i greeted mr. whim as soon as he walked in the store and asked if he would be ordering his usual.
"yeah, thanks." he smiled and handed over his credit card to the register partner for payment.
knowing how picky he always is about his drinks, i steamed his milk to his desired temperature, making sure i did not over-aerate the milk. after his shots pulled, i made sure i had his attention as i poured the steamed milk into the cup.
"not too much foam, right?" i asked and made sure he gave his approval before i capped his drink and handed it to him.
as per his usual ritual, he finished reading the front page of the paper before taking his beverage to the condiment bar to "doctor it up". not one minute later he's back at the bar, but this time his demeanor was uptight and aggressive.
"this is WRONG." he made a face as he pushed his cup back towards me.

now, at this point i was already a bit pissed off. not only did i have a line of drinks in front of me, but i'd made sure to walk him through each step of the drink making process so that he'd be happy with his beverage. even though he'd given me the go ahead at each step, here he was - standing in front of my with a stinkface, demanding his drink be remade.

"gee, mr. whim," i didn't try to hard to hide my attitude, "it seems EVERY time you're in here there's a problem with your drink."
"what?" he gave me a goofy smile, as if that would somehow make me forget the million times he's had us remake his drink before. "i don't think so."
"oh yeah." i raised both eyebrows. "EVERY time - and it doesn't seem to matter how we make it at all. we can, like TODAY for instance, get your approval before handing the drink to you, and you will still say it's not right."
"well, sometimes you guys don't do it quite right - " he started to defend himself.
"it just seems REALLY odd that the problem is always with us, you know?" i'd given up on trying to sound even remotely polite. "that somehow NONE of us can get your drink right, even when you're watching us make it every step of the way."
"that's not true," he gave me a fake chuckle. "that guy there never messes it up." he said as he pointed to slacker barista. "he always makes it perfectly."

in that second i was so agitated i couldn't even see straight.
NEVER before had i ever been so insulted while wearing a green apron.
never had a stupid customer comment cut me to the core.
was mr. whim REALLY saying that slacker barista made better drinks than me? that slacker barista somehow could read mr. whim's many moods and fix his drinks accordingly? how could mr. whim not be able to tell the quality difference between freshly steamed milk, and resteamed, mixed milk made with a dirty steam wand?

i couldn't even respond to mr. whim, i was so upset. i told slacker barista to remake the beverage since he "always makes it perfectly" and then took a moment to bitch to a fellow barista brat about mr. whim. it was surprising that i couldn't shake my anger for the rest of the shift - especially since slacker barista wouldn't shut up about how he was the only one who could make mr. whim's drinks right on the first try.

the next day, slacker barista was still riding his high, when mr. whim showed up for his usual.
"brat, you want me to get this?" slacker barista asked, confident in his skills.
"be my guest." i shrugged and went back to prepping frappuccino bases.
can i tell you how satisfying it was to hear the words: "this is WRONG. you need to remake it!" come from mr. whim once slacker barista had handed over the beverage?
"but man, you said i always do it right." slacker barista said with a hint of hurt in his voice.
"well, not this time. there's too much foam - and it tastes funny." mr. whim responded flippantly.
"what an ass!" slacker barista hissed once mr. whim had finally gone.
the brat in me just smiled and felt the anger from the day before melt away.

barista rant: please listen up. it is never, never, NEVER funny to stick your hand in our tip jar, grab a fistfull of dollars and ask, "can i pay with this?". we baristas will never laugh when you do this. we will never give you a thumbs up and say, "good one!" we are not here to laugh at your dumb jokes, so don't get offended and pissy with us when we answer, "no, you can't pay with our tips. did you want to order anything else?" instead of giggling at your 'wit'. and if you insist on continuing to play this joke on us, we will be forced to hang on to your change and ask, "is this for us?" as well.

high on love

2007-08-29T21:04:00.000-07:00

doobie newbie has been making minor improvements each week.
amazingly, he now knows how many pumps of vanilla are in a grande latte, as well as remembering that refrigerator doors need to stay shut if they are to keep cool. he's shaved a full minute off the amount of time it takes him to clean the lobby, and he's even learned the difference between an iced mocha and a mocha frappuccino.

you might ask yourself why doobie newbie has turned over a new leaf.
could it be a new found sense of accomplishment?
a fully functioning extra brain cell?
a heart-to-heart from his parents?
no. no. and no.
there can be only one reason for this new transformation: he's in love.

that's right - doobie newbie is changing his ways for a woman.
who's the lucky girl?
well, that would be awesomely amazing barista.

"brat, have you noticed doobie newbie following you around more than usual lately?" she asked me after working three shifts in a row with him.
"no - actually he's been better about figuring out what needs to be done."
"that's weird," she wrinkled her nose. "he's been following me around a lot. even when i'm counting my till, he comes back there and just stands next to me."
"oh really?" i laughed, the image too funny for words.
"and the other day he called me and left a message on my cell but i didn't get a chance to listen to it."
"yeah?"
"so today he asked me if i got his message. i asked him why he called and he said 'oh you know, just to talk'. i thought that was so weird." she gave me a sideways look and shrugged her shoulders.
"maybe he has a crush on you?" i teased her.
"good god, i hope not." she grimaced.

but the next few days continued in the same vain. doobie newbie following her around and trying to chat her up each moment she was free.
"so, uh, you like movies?" he asked her while she was re-stocking cups.
"yep." she answered with only one word, trying not to prolong the conversation.
"uh, do you read any comic books?" he asked after a few minutes.
"nope." again she gave a minimal answer.

when it became painfully obvious that doobie newbie was fully enamoured with her, awesomely amazing barista made sure to talk a lot about her boyfriend whenever her admirer was around.

"so, uh, you have a boyfriend?" he asked with fallen face.
"yep."
"uh, even though you have a boyfriend, are you still allowed to hang out?" he asked hopefully.
"allowed? what do you mean 'allowed'?" she laughed.

so even though doobie newbie knows she's taken, he continues to follow her around, chat her up, and now is doing his best to improve his performance so that he can impress her. if he wasn't such a terrible barista, all this might actually be endearing.

barista rant: if you ask for the piece of coffee cake in the front of the pastry case - i'm going to give you the piece of coffee cake from the front of the pastry case. so don't holler and hoot, "no! i said the one if front! the one in front!" when i hand it to you. when i show you exactly where i got the coffee cake from, don't give me attitude and huff, "well, that's actually the one in back from where YOU'RE standing!". and when i explain that no matter where i'm standing, the front of the case is still the FRONT of the pastry case, don't grab the bag from my hand and complain about how rude i am.

lie to me

2007-08-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

it's a rare day when we DON'T hear "but the other bux does it for me!".

i really hate 'the other bux'. i hate those 'other baristas' who apparently have no use for drink standards, health department regulations, or honesty. i hate being told by a misinformed customer that i have no clue as to what i'm talking about and that i obviously need to be re-trained. and that the 'other bux' is where i should re-train at.

"i want a sugar-free caramel frappuccino." a customer placed her order yesterday.
"ok, i do have sugar-free caramel syrup, but i just want to make sure you know that the drink still has sugar since none of our frappuccino bases are sugar-free." i told her pleasantly, but fully aware that she was going to blow her top.
"NO!" she jutted her chin towards me and rolled her eyes. "i am a diabetic, so the only thing i can drink are your sugar-free frappuccinos, and that's what i WANT!"
"ma'am," i started calmly, hating that i've had to have this same conversation with countless customers before. "we offer regular frappuccinos and light frappuccinos. now, there is splenda in the light frappuccinos, but there is also some sugar. there is absolutely no way i can make a frappuccino completely sugar-free for you - and i think you really need to know that since you are diabetic. i can, however, offer you an iced sugar-free caramel latte."
"no, no, no!" she shook her head. "you DO make a sugar-free frappuccino! i know because i get them all the time!"
"ma'am - "
"look - " she interrupted me. "i go to the starbucks down the street all the time. the guy there told me that there is no sugar at all in my drink. and i KNOW he was telling the truth because i told him i'm a diabetic."

why, oh why, do customers believe a lazy barista over an informed one?
yeah, i know. it's because the lazy barista is telling them what they WANT to hear.

"well," i continued, opting to end this as quick as possible. "THIS starbucks doesn't carry sugar-free frappuccino base."
"that's ridiculous!" she wasn't going to leave without a fight. "all starbucks are supposed to carry the same items! let me talk to your manager."

"ma'am, starbucks doesn't offer a sugar-free frappuccino base, only frappuccino light base." he told her after she'd gave him every painful detail of our conversation.
"oh, ok." she pouted. "i guess i'll just have to give my business to the OTHER starbucks down the street!"
"that's fine," my manager said with a smile and a shrug. "just remember, it will still have sugar."

i swear, sometimes i love my manager.

partner rant: ok - i'm sure you thought it was hilarious at the time, but telling non-stop talking customer that the barista brat was "missing him" and "couldn't wait for him to get back from vacation" has a load of bad karma heading towards them. i know you clutched your aching sides from laughter when you heard him say, "oh brat, i missed you as well" and "so brat, you've been on my mind lately". or when he patted his stomach to show me how those last few trips to the gym have paid off. i'm glad you had your fun, but now i have to deal with non-stop talking customer thinking i have a crush on him. ugh.

laugh a latte

2007-08-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

although it can sometimes be stressful working at bux when one has to deal with fussy customers, slacking partners and nit-picking district managers, there are days when not only is being a barista fun, it's downright hilarious. my last few shifts i've laughed and smiled so much, my jaw hurts.

funniest customer of the week -
customer: hey, do you have any of that lindsay lohan tea?
barista brat: i'm sorry?
customer (leaning in close): you know what i'm talking about, right?
barista brat: i have no idea.
customer: it's a tea. the firecrotch tea.
barista brat (laughing hard): do you mean the african red bush tea?
customer: yeah, that's the one! lindsay lohan!

'foot in mouth' barista award -
barista buddy: hey, doobie newbie, can you grab some vanilla syrup from the back?
doobie newbie (pointing to customers at the register): but...but...
barista buddy: don't worry, i'll ring. i just need you to grab me some vanilla.
doobie newbie: but the customers...
barista buddy: please. just. grab. vanilla.
doobie newbie (as he shluffs off to the backroom): uh...ok.
barista buddy: man, what an idiot. he's a nice guy, but seriously - an idiot!
doobie newbie: here's the vanilla.
barista buddy: thanks.
doobie newbie (to the customers at the register): hi mom. hey dad.

delayed reaction award -
customer: can you make me a vanilla iced coffee, but creamier than usual?
barista brat: weeeellll, i can put a splash of half and half in it, and maybe half a pump of dulce de leche as well.
customer: just so long as it's creamier.
barista brat: here you go - let me know what you think.
customer (takes a sip and walks away): thanks.
*twenty minutes later*
customer (walks back into bux and leans over the counter): that drink was FUCKING AWESOME!

clueless customer award -
barista brat: hi, how can i help you today?
customer: all your frappuccinos have coffee in them, right?
barista brat: not all of them. you can get a creme based frappuccino with no coffee.
customer: well, what about that new blueberry one?
barista brat: that one is made with the creme base, so there's no coffee.
customer: but i want coffee.
barista brat: the blueberry will taste horrible with coffee, but the caramel or mocha frappuccinos have coffee and they are both very popular.
customer: oooh, that sounds good! give me a blueberry caramel mocha frappuccino!
barista brat: uh, i can do caramel mocha OR blueberry creme.
customer: but i want coffee.
barista brat: yes, the caramel mocha will indeed have coffee.
customer: ok!
*three minutes later customer grabs vanilla bean frappuccino instead of caramel mocha*
customer: yum! this blueberry caramel mocha coffee is delicious!

partner rant: i know the district manager is on your case, and i know you want to be the 'best assistant manager ever!', but seriously, you have got to calm down. freaking out daily won't get the job done faster. stressing and gritting your teeth won't make us work faster. threatening to write people up every shift will not sway anyone to your cause. especially when most of us can work circles around you! please - until you can multi-task and turn over a good shift, DON'T expect your fellow baristas to give you 200%. especially when we already have to work harder to make up for your tantrums.

bait and snitch

2007-08-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

ah, another week and another mrs. moocher sighting.

i was lucky enough to be on my break when she wheeled her (even) older sister into the store.
"hello!" she greeted my fellow barista with a toothy smile. "i want a refill, but i left my cup at home."

the barista, who really hates conflict of any sort, asked mrs. moocher to "hang on a sec" and then came to the backroom and informed me that the old bird was up to her old tricks again.
"she knows our policy." i told her. "just explain it to her again and she will either pay or go away."
"brat, can you do it please? i hate dealing with her." the barista asked.

meanwhile, at the counter, mrs. moocher was throwing a fit.

"where is she going? what is she going to say?" mrs. moocher demanded of the other barista on the floor. "is she going to snitch? is that how you do things here? are you all snitches?!?"
she didn't give the other barista a chance to say a word, instead continuing her tirade.
"do you get a raise if you're a snitch? is that how starbucks trains its workers now? do they tell you to run to the back and snitch on customers?"

when i returned to the floor with non-conflict barista, mrs. moocher aimed her ire at me.

"brat - your girl there really jumped the gun!" she shook her finger at me.
"i'm sorry?" i asked - totally confused.
"she jumped the gun, that one did! she goes running off to you, and i didn't even do anything! she is a snitch!"
i opened my mouth to respond, but she just kept squawking.
"i said to her - as soon as i came in - i said, 'hello, i would like a refill of ICE WATER, but i left my ICE WATER cup at home' and then she jumps the gun and goes running to you, as if i am trying to steal from you!"
"oh, really?" i asked disinterestedly, although in my head i was thinking "i'm so friggen' sure!".
"that is no way to treat a customer! you need to settle that one down so she doesn't jump the gun." she took her ice water from the other barista, "i just wanted a refill of water, that is all, and that other girl tried to imply that i am stealing. you need to get her in line, brat."

but the most jaw-dropping part of the exchange came moments later when mrs. moocher noticed her sister slouching in her wheelchair.
"are you falling?" mrs. moocher asked her sister, and with one hand grabbed the collar of her sister's shirt and pulled her upright, as if she were a marionette.

"man, i can't believe what she just did to her sister." non-confrontational barista said once they had left.
"hey - don't jump the gun!" i teased her.
"yeah, you snitch." the other barista laughed.

customer rant: what is your deal!?! you stood in front of the door jabbering with your friend. when i tried to step around you to enter the store, you blocked me so that you could enter first. then, when your friend stopped at a table to say hello to someone, you ran ahead of me so that you would be first in line - and you know what? i really wouldn't have cared if you knew what the hell you wanted to order! but no - you had to squint your eyes and take your time reading the menu, then you asked the barista to list the ingredients of all the muffins, and THEN you held up the (ever-growing) line so that you could wait for your friend to finish her conversation and order her drink and pastry. and even though you paid, you weren't nearly done. you stood directly in front of the serving counter so no one else could collect their drinks AND you had to touch each beverage and ask 'is this one mine?". when your drink was finally ready, you proceeded to the condiment bar and CONTINUED to be a very large thorn in my side by blocking all access to the milk and sugar. i even had to go all matrix to squeeze past you just to exit the damn store!

we used to be friends (a long time ago)

2007-07-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

one of the great things about working for bux is making friends with (most) your fellow partners. i am still buddies with many people from my old bux, and am very close to several of the baristas at my current bux.
sometimes, though, a person you thought was a friend can turn out to be a real jerk.

we have a barista at my store who has always been friendly with everyone. in fact, every partner in the store (managers included) has always said "that guy is so cool!" whenever his name is brought up in conversation. unfortunately his name has been brought up quite often lately.

when this partner started slacking on his barista duties, the rest of us were quick to give him a break - after all, working at bux is very labor intensive and everyone has off days. but when it became clear that he had given up caring about cleanliness, speed of service, and punctuality, the new store mantra became "yeah, he's cool, but I hate working with him".

i felt more like a babysitter than a barista whenever we were on the same shift.

"hey guy, can you remember to windex the inside and outside of the pastry case when you're cleaning it?" i asked after noticing the plethora of fingerprints on the glass.
"oh yeah, sorry." he smiled back at me. "i was about to do that."
"we have to sanitize ALL the mats." i told him plainly when he asked if it was okay to clean only the ones that 'looked dirty'.
"haha, ok." he laughed. "just thought we might be able to clock out a little early - that's all."
"hey guy, don't forget to empty the trashcans in the lobby." i had to remind him when he'd told me he'd finished all his tasks for the night. "and you still haven't windexed the outside of the pastry case."
"oh, my bad!" he smiled again before complying.

i decided to have an informal chat with him - letting him know that EVERYONE had noticed his performance was slipping, and that it was frustrating since we all knew he was fully capable of doing his job correctly. he apologized and promised to work harder on his next shifts - and he actually did improve, for about a week.

"hey brat, i don't feel like going to my other job today." he told me one morning during a crazy rush. "i'm too tired after working here, so i think i'm just gonna call in sick." he chuckled.
"please tell me you're joking." i responded, hoping he really wasn't considering screwing his other job over.
"it's boring there - all i do is stand around," he sighed. "they won't miss me anyway."

so three days later i was quite upset when i'd heard he called my manager ten minutes before his shift was supposed to start, claiming he had food poisoning. especially since he'd been trying to get that shift covered so he could go to a concert. over the next week i'd heard complaints about him from every barista i worked with.

"he says he's the fastest barista, but that's because he doesn't give a shit about standards anymore!"
"we were left with only two people during the rush because his sister needed his car 'for an emergency'. yeah right."
"he called in on sunday and said he had to take his mother to the airport, but when we phoned his house his mother said he was supposed to be at work!"

the last straw for this barista brat came two days ago.
"aw crud, brat! do you see who we're working with tomorrow?" he asked while looking over the schedule.
when i found out doobie newbie would be with us for most our shift, i looked at the slacking barista and said VERY clearly, "don't even think about flaking out on me tomorrow."
"oh, i wouldn't do that to you!" he smiled. "it's just gonna suck because i'm gonna have to work so much harder!"

although pissed, i was not surprised when i walked into work the next day and found out that he was a no call/no show for his shift. actually - he did call.
he called hours earlier to verify the start time of his shift, and then never bothered to show. he didn't answer his phone and didn't return any of our calls, either.

today i was informed that he made an appearance in our bux this morning - claiming the reason he didn't show up for his shift was because he had to take his cousin to the hospital, and he didn't have his phone to call us and let us know.
yeah, hospitals are notorious for not having any phones, right?

i really, really, REALLY hope my manager fires this barista. yeah, it sucks when a barista isn't pulling their weight, but when they totally disrespect their fellow partners by not even showing up (and then creating the lamest excuses on the planet) repeatedly, then it's time to hang up the green apron and call it a day.

the worst part is he used to be so cool. he was fun to work with, and generally a great guy to be around. if he'd always been a jerk, a slacker and a no-show, then it wouldn't be so frustrating, or feel so disrespectful. i don't know of any barista who thinks he should be able to keep his job (not that it appears he even wants it), and i hope that he's asked to leave before he has the chance to bail on his other shifts.

barista rant: please listen to the words that come out of my mouth. if i ask you 'what size?' don't sigh heavily, roll your eyes and spit 'COLD!'. don't repeat the phrase 'i want it COLD. COLD!' when i again ask you 'WHAT SIZE?'. don't look at my barista buddy, shake your head and ask 'can you let her know i want it COLD?'. and when he asks you 'what size' don't pretend that it was the first time you heard that question all day!

heard it through the bux line

2007-07-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

*update*
vanishing barista has been found. ten points for those of you who knew he'd get back together with his abusive girlfriend. of course there was one relationship that was destroyed forever, and that was his employment with bux. but believe it or not my manager was willing to give vanishing barista a second chance - who has no interest in working for the company anymore. BUT - in case some of you were curious as to what he would now do for work - he did turn in an application to our main competitors in town. we know this because they called my manager for references!

and now on to our regularly scheduled post:
the best baristas always have their ears open. if you're on register you should have one ear listening to the customer and the other ear listening to your floater. if you are on bar you should have one ear open towards the people waiting for their drinks and one open towards the register partners when they yell out "soy!", "extra-hot nonfat!" or "grande cappuccino!". many a time i've been on bar and caught mis-marked cups because both my ears were open and i heard the customer request no foam, extra shots, or decaf when my register partner was oblivious.

sometimes, because both ears are open, we hear parts of conversations that we really wish we hadn't heard.

"oh my god, it was so painful!" a customer said in a low voice to her girlfriend. "since it was a woman gynecologist i totally expected her to be gentle, but she was rougher than the guy that took my virginity!"

"mommy!" a little boy howled in pain. "sara just punched me in the peanuts! HARD!"

"who cares if it fell on the floor?" a woman said into her cell phone. "just rinse it off and serve it anyway. that's what i always do."

"i can't believe i just paid two bucks for this crappy coffee." a businessman told his associate. "my secretary back at the office makes it a hundred times better than this. maybe i should give her a raise."

"that guy on register would totally be cute if he didn't have such a gut." a high schooler gossiped to her friend.

"so then i told her there IS a right and wrong way to do things!" an elder woman told her equally aged friend. "and if she can't learn to do it right, then maybe i should give her part of the inheritance to the mormon temple!"

but the funniest/most shocking thing i've heard all week came out of doobie newbie's mouth.
customer: "just a tall drip and the paper."
doobie newbie: "james, how are you?"
customer: *blank stare*
doobie newbie: "you don't remember me? i'm edward's friend.
customer: *blank stare continues*
doobie newbie: "i met you last semester on campus. you had just bought a new bike but it had a flat tire, so you asked edward if you could use his cell phone to call your girlfriend."
customer: "uh, yeah. i vaguely remember that."
doobie newbie: "it was right after your math class, remember? because you'd just taken a calculus final."
customer: "wow - that's a trip that you can remember all that."
doobie newbie: "oh, i have an amazing memory. in fact, it's kind of what i'm known for!"

partner rant: ok, so i understand you're stressed because the district manager is going to be visiting, but that doesn't mean you can go off on all the baristas! i know that as an assistant manager you have more responsibilities than the rest of us, but for grounds' sake keep your cool! reminding us five times a minute that 'the store has to be perfect! don't you realize the district manager is coming?!?' will not push us to work harder or faster. in fact, all the energy you spend freaking out can be spent scrubbing the grout.

blind-sided

2007-07-12T17:32:00.000-07:00

it's been quite the week for surprises.

a couple days ago i spotted mr. whim parking his car so i braced myself for his usual brand of crazy. luckily i wasn't on bar, so i wasn't going to have to remake his drink ten times because of his ocd, but i was on register which meant i would have to put up with his grumpiness while he ordered.
imagine my surprise when he greeted me with a 'good morning!' and made small talk while he happily handed over his money. he even made me laugh with a stupid joke, and when his drink was ready he took it without fuss and never asked the barista on bar to 'fix it'.
i think mr. whim's psychiatrist must have upped his medication because today he even complimented the skills of my manager on bar.

remember this barista?
well, after several talks from management, he finally got his overbearing girlfriend in check. sure, she still called him - but only during break. and sure, she still came in the store, but her tantrums lasted only a few minutes as opposed to entire shifts.
it's been no secret that their relationship remains quite contentious - this barista has even confided to his fellow partners about the constant mental and verbal abuse at home - but all of us were blown away the day he walked out of our store (in the middle of his shift) and out of her life.
that's right - he pulled a runner. his (ex)girlfriend has been coming in daily to see if we have any news of this missing barista. he has been a no-show to all his shifts this week, and is not answering his phone or returning calls. his girlfriend is freaking out because rent will be due soon and although she always gave this barista shit for working at bux (instead of some higher profile job) she was always happy to take his earnings so that she would only have to work one day a week.
i hope he is still alive (i was, in a rather cryptic manner, assured by another barista that he is fine) and i hope he gets his life in order.

and of course, the final surprise is mrs. moocher.
after yelling that i'd 'mortally offended' her, she is now trying to be my new BFF. she hasn't tried her mooching scam on me, but does come in for a venti iced water and a chat.
"brat, i just want you to know that i think of you often and i'm glad we are able to put that nastiness behind us!" she told me awhile back.
but last night she decided to make it a very special visit by bringing her invalid sister to the store to meet me.
"brat! this beautiful young lady is my sister," she pushed forward the wheelchair in which her very aged sibling was resting in. "i had to take her to the doctor today, but i brought her in especially to meet you!"
seriously - what the hell?!?
again, mrs. moocher did not try and run her scam (overtly). she just asked for an iced water and then began to tell me how expensive her sister's healthcare is. when she finally left, my fellow partners could not contain their laughter.
"brat, you're soooo cold-hearted!" barista buddy chuckled. "you should give that old lady her coffee for free - not charging her regular price! can't you see she needs every penny for her sister?"
so i guess mrs. moocher is trying to kill me with kindness and guilt. and it would probably work if i didn't catch on that this is just another of her scams - lengthy and well-thought out, yes, but still a scam.

barista rant: just because you work for bux does not mean you can come into my store, act like a total bitch, and get your drink for free PLUS a free coupon. i don't care if you've been a partner for 'years and years'. i don't care if 'the other bux' gives you beverages for free. i've never seen you before in my life - and even if i had, you'd still only get your thirty percent discount. and no, telling us we are the worst bux ever is not an effective way to demand a free drink coupon.

pot belly

2007-07-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

in a previous post i mentioned my latest headache: doobie newbie. i wish i could say that since that post he's improved immensely, but that would be so very far from the truth.

now, doobie newbie is a very nice guy. he comes in to each of his shifts with a smile on his face and a sincere 'how are you?' to each of his fellow partners. unfortunately his good mood has to be attributed to the fact that he is either lit, or will be getting lit shortly after work. it is painfully obvious to us baristas that doobie newbie is not a good fit for bux, that he's only working a job so that he can fund his habit, and that he has no interest in doing his apron proud. unfortunately management is either really clueless, or purposely turning a blind eye to all this.

for my past three shifts i have been stuck 're-training' doobie newbie. sure, he's already had two learning coaches, and yes he's been given ample time to learn drink recipes, but as you probably already well guessed - the boy is greener than al gore.
my patience is being tried like it's never been tried before. several other baristas have already 'washed their hands' of doobie newbie, saying it's easier to work around him than work with him.

"brat, did you hear what he did this time?" is the first thing i now hear when i start my workday.
"he just stands there like an idiot! he doesn't know his ass from his brain!" bitter old man will huff.
"seriously, i don't think this is the right line of work for him." awesomely amazing barista generously concedes.

sometimes it seems as if doobie newbie wants nothing more than to fail.
"how many pumps of vanilla are in a tall vanilla latte?" i quizzed him for the millionth time this morning.
"uh, one." he answered while jangling the change in his pocket.
"remember what the general rule for syrups is?" i smiled encouragingly, hoping he'd dust off his neural pathways.
"uh, no." he smiled back at me.
"ok, generally the rule is 3-4-5 for hot drinks. that means three pumps for a tall, four pumps for a grande and five pumps for a venti. so, how many pumps go into a tall vanilla latte?"
"vanilla?" he answered my question with another question.
"yeah, how many pumps of vanilla go into a tall vanilla latte?"
"vanilla goes into a vanilla latte, right?"
"yes." i took a deep breath so that i could remain calm. "the general syrup rule for hot drinks is 3-4-5, so how many pumps of vanilla syrup would you put in a tall vanilla latte?"
"uh, five." he smiled again.
"remember - three pumps for a tall, four pumps for a grande and five pumps for a venti. so, how many pumps go into a tall?"
"i don't remember."
"three." i told him through gritted teeth. "three pumps of vanilla are in a tall vanilla latte. again - how many pumps are in a tall vanilla latte?"
"it gets vanilla!" he beamed, so proud of himself.

i swear, this guy makes sean penn in 'i am sam' look like a friggen' rhodes scholar.

barista rant: don't bitch at me because there's no soy milk at the condiment bar. don't complain about how 'eco-unfriendly' bux is because we don't have a designated pitcher of soy milk at your disposal. first - how the hell does having a pitcher of soy milk at the condiment bar make one 'eco-friendly'. second - it would be MORE wasteful for us to constantly supply soy milk at the condiment bar since we have to DUMP any left over milk after thirty minutes time! and third - you nitwit! all you had to do was ask for some soy milk and we would have given it to you. the time you wasted bitching at me could have been spent enjoying your damn coffee!

human touch

2007-06-28T16:32:00.000-07:00

sometimes there are occupational hazards to being a barista.
i'm not talking about steam wand burns, box-cutter wounds or pulled muscles from carrying multiple gallons of milk. i'm talking about barista molestation.

now, one of the great things about working as a barista is getting to know our regular customers. they come in daily to joke with us, and tell us about their personal lives - and usually that's the extent of our interaction. but there are some days when talking isn't enough to satisfy a customer.

i have been squeezed, hugged, and petted too many times to count. and these customers are tricky and quick; they always wait until you've turned your attention to something else before they thrust themselves upon you. i've had my hand grabbed and kissed while i was giving someone a pastry, my hair caressed when i was changing a trash can in the lobby and my fingers caught in the paws of an affectionate customer when i took his credit card from him.

the latest incident happened while i was restocking the gums and mints at the register, which required me to leave the safety of my usual spot behind the bar and join the 'civilians' on the other side of the counter. while i put the little tin containers where they belonged, i felt two hands on my shoulders. before i could react i was being massaged by some customer.

"there you go brat, you deserve it." the voice of one of our regulars told me.
"haha, yeah." i answered uncomfortably as i wriggled free of his grip.
"now, i wouldn't do this for just any barista." he raised his eyebrows at me and i ran behind the pastry case so that i would be out of his reach.

"brat, i heard you got the 'special treatment' too." awesomely amazing barista said to me later that day.
"he did it to me as well and i was so conflicted." she wrinkled her nose. "i so didn't want him touching me, but i really needed the massage!"

now, both of us knew this regular didn't mean to come off as creepy, and i'm sure he really was just being nice, but it's difficult for us baristas at times like these. we don't want react harshly with a loud "HANDS OFF!" and get in our fighting stance, especially when previous to the encounter the customer has been princely. nor do we want to seem in any way encouraging. there's a fine art to setting one's boundaries without making the other party feel defensive and unfortunately it seems i'm not very artistic.

partner rant: it's ok to be frustrated. especially when we are understaffed and we have a line out the door. but it is not ok to yell at your fellow baristas. ever. no matter how many drinks you've had to remake or how many customers have asked you for water. respect your fellow baristas, or find someplace else to work.

train in vain

2007-06-21T22:52:00.000-07:00

working at bux one tends to become jaded when it comes to fussy customers.
usually it's pretty easy to roll with the punches when a customer bitches that their drink isn't hot enough, their muffin not moist enough, or if the aroma of their coffee doesn't "dance enough" on their tongue.
but even though a complaining customer is par for the course, there are times when you come across a person so mad at the world that they leave a lasting impression.

case in point:
yesterday morning my bux was in a state of flux. we were a person short on the floor, had a brand new trainee (don't worry - i have TONS of stories about this newbie to post) and a steady flow of customers that just wouldn't cease.
unfortunately, when we have to train a newbie on bar, it makes a longer wait for our customers.

now, what people might not realize is that we baristas have NO say in what a newbies training schedule will be. it doesn't matter if we tell our managers that putting a newbie on register training during a busy monday morning rush is insane, or if we explain with great detail that teaching a newbie how to make frappuccinos during the hottest part of the day is idiotic - managers will squeeze newbie training in wherever they see fit, even if it makes no logical sense.

so, yesterday morning we baristas had no choice but to follow the 'wise' decision of our manager and train the newest apron-wearing member of our staff on how to work the espresso bar. as you can rightly guess, customers had to wait an unusually long period to claim the drinks they had ordered several minutes before.
doobie newbie (yes, indeed, this guy enjoys his herbs) was placed in the care of my awesomely amazing fellow barista brat. not only did she have the almost impossible task of teaching doobie newbie how to make drinks, she had to appease the horde of upset customers at the same time. honestly, most of the customers left happy, especially since awesomely amazing barista made sure to apologize to every one of them about the long wait, but there was one woman who made it well known that nothing awesomely amazing barista could say could make her happy.

"is mine ready yet?" she hissed at awesomly amazing barista. "i've been waiting forever!"
"yours is up right now," aab informed her and began to apologize for the dely.
"why the hell are you guys so slow?" she growled. "there's no reason why i should have to wait ten minutes for my drink!"
"i fully understand, and you're right," aab answered her sincerely. "it's just that we are training right now and it takes a little longer to make drinks."
"you guys shouldn't be training right now!" the customer raised her voice to a level that made everyone turn and look in her direction. "that's no way to run a business! you should do your training some other time!"
"i totally agree with you, but i have no control over when they schedule training." aab responded in a kind voice.
"this isn't even right!" the customer screeched and shook her drink at aab. "you put too much milk in it! i ordered an iced latte and there is too much milk here!"
"well, i can remake it for you if you'd like - "
"forget it!" the customer shrilled and grabbed her drink. "i'm never coming back here again. i'm going to phone your manager and complain!: she called out as she made her way to the front door.

none of us were surprised when the phone rang and a highly tense woman's voice demanded to speak with the manager. upset that there wasn't a manager around to bitch at, she settled for one of the shift supervisors.

"you guys, that lady was so pissed!" the shift supervisor told aab and i after hanging up the phone. "she complained about the service, the wait, the training and the 'extra' milk in her cup. but she also SPECIFICALLY complained about the 'puerto rican looking fella that probably barely speaks english and stood there like an idiot staring at the cup'."
now, i myself, get frustrated with doobie newbie's inability to move beyond a snail's pace, but her comment was still somewhat shocking.
"and when i asked her if there was anything i could do to fix her experience," he continued, "she just yelled at me. she said, 'i'm just gonna toss my latte, drink my soda and be unhappy!'"

can i just say we will not miss her patronage?

barista rant: please don't plop your baby on the register counter, then walk away. i'm sure you thought that since i was standing right there, i would ensure your baby wouldn't fall to the floor, or start chewing on the paperclip next to her. i'm sure you figured that since you were only 'gonna take a second!' to browse our display shelves, we would have no problem entertaining your little angel. well, guess what - baristas do not babysit. we are not here to keep your kid from injuring herself while you choose between a green or purple commuter mug. be a parent and keep an eye on your own kid!!!

bonus question post!

2007-06-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

i promised to answer questions that were left in the comment section of 'absence makes the brat gripe harder'.

here they are:
mellowlee said...

Im so glad to see you back. Sorry you had such a crap week. As soon as I saw the Orange flavoured drinks at my bux, I thought of you. Are these syrups limited time only? or are you stuck with em?

yes, it appears we are stuck with them. and i'm sure you can guess i'm thrilled with that.

Schlatko said...

Hey Brat!

Let me ask you something.
Do you have a problem at your store with partners (both at your store and at others) not charging for extras such as added syrups, caramel sauce, heavy whipping cream added to drinks, and other stuff.... meaning when you are on register and ring up the drink correctly the customer gets all pissy because their drink is now a wallet-breaking sixty-three cents more than what they paid before?
I've been having this problem a lot lately and it's starting to get to me. I'm really tired of looking like the bad guy and that I don't know what I'm doing.... when in reality I'm the one doing things correctly?
Was just wondering if you had the same issue.

yes. this happens all the time. bux doesn't charge for extra whipped cream, or extra caramel (so long as the drink recipe already came with caramel) but ALL the time we have people claiming that no other bux charges for soy or breve.

delect said...

Hey Brat, new reader here.
I need some help. I go to a really busy bucks near work and I am all about quick order, quick pay, quick tip, patient waiting. I need to change my drink, they are making it too sweet, so.. in starbonics...how do i order a grande americano with a shot of vanilla syrup and some non fat foam on top? Help please.. thanks.

first i need to know if you mean 'pump' when you say 'shot'. for grande drinks we use four pumps of syrup, so if you want all four pumps you just need to ask for a grande vanilla americano topped with nonfat foam. if you want only one pump you ask for a grande one pump vanilla americano topped with nonfat foam.
hope this helps!

Melissa said...

Brat- Love starbucks. Yummy. I always get an 8 pump Venti Chai Latte w/ no water.
But, i have a question- Those Banana Dolce Coffee Cakes; do you get them whole sale? And if so, from where? I have been trying to get the recipe but to no avail.... What company makes them???
Thanks!

i could be wrong about this, but my understanding was that different regions have different pastry suppliers. my store doesn't even have banana dolce coffee cakes - we have banana chocolate coffee cakes instead. sorry!

SkippyMom said...

Um, Brat...do you need bail money? 'Cause you know when I was married to my ex I became totally ace at getting him outta jail...so, if, y'know - you finally took out one of the customers I would SO come bail you out...and then I could hide you in VA! hee....
Seriously...we hope you are okay.
Take care and let us know if you need anything, 'kay?
Hugs

haha, thanks for frontin' me! i'm saving my tips to pay you back!

mortal combat

2007-06-13T16:21:00.000-07:00

dearest readers -
once again i must apologize for my lack of updates. i can promise, however, that by july i should have more time to blog.
so many things have happened at bux in the past couple weeks, and i have SEVERAL stories with which to regale you, but i think today i must focus on an even that happened this past weekend.

now you might recall my post about our infamous scammers – mr. and mrs. moocher. well, since their scam was no longer working at my bux they decided to “patronize” the other bux’ in my district. apparently they’ve been quite successful because it had been several weeks since they’d made an appearance in my store.

last week, though, i was informed of a mrs. moocher sighting. apparently her husband now waits in the car while she tries to pay only eighty cents for two grande drips, two venti ice waters and two empty cups (that she fills with milk from the condiment bar). so when she came in on one of my shifts, i was ready to (once again) inform her of our refill policy and charge her the correct amount.
what i wasn’t ready for, however, was the verbal lashing she had well-rehearsed just for my benefit.

“brat!” she pointed at me after a fellow barista had called me out of the backroom. “i have a bone to pick with you.”
“with me?” i asked with a smile. honestly i had no clue as to what her problem was, but i was amused nonetheless.
“yes, you!” she gently pounded her aged fist on the counter. “you have mortally offended me!”

i guess i didn’t give her the reaction she wanted because she repeated twice more that i had “mortally offended” her. it took every ounce of self control to keep from chuckling because i kept thinking “hey, if i ‘mortally offended’ you, then shouldn’t you be dead?”.

“brat, i always liked you,” she lied, “and i never, ever had a problem with you,” she continued to lie, “but now i am so upset that i don’t even think i want to buy coffee from you anymore!”

to my credit i was nice and did not flippantly remind her that she barely “pays” for coffee in the first place, nor did i inform her that i would in fact be quite content if she chose to no longer try and run her scam on me.

“it has been several weeks since i’ve even been here, you know, and i’m so, so upset because i’m so offended.” she rattled semi-cohenrently. “you know, we don’t always come to this store – sometimes we go to other starbucks. we are very loyal customers, you know.”
“yeah, i’ve seen you at other stores before.” i answered evenly – still not sure of what i had done to “mortally offend” her.
“well, we went to a different starbucks, and before i even ordered my coffee the boy working there said to me, ‘i know who you are. you always try to get things for free – brat at the other store warned me about you.’ and i was so upset and embarrassed!”

now i was surprised for a couple of reasons. first, it seemed odd to me that someone at another store would just come out and tell mrs. moocher that they had been warned about her. secondly, what would make mrs. moocher think baristas WEREN’T talking about her and her scamming husband?

“well, i’m sorry if you were offended –”
“mortally offended!” mrs. moocher interrupted me. “he named you specifically! i was so hurt that you would spread lies about me to someone i’ve never even met before!”
“first off, i have no idea who you’re talking about.” i told her honestly. “and how can you be sure he was telling you the truth?”
“but he named you specifically! he said YOU warned him about ME!” she cried out while shaking her empty coffee cup. “not only that, he got in trouble with his manager because he refused to give me my discount.”
“listen," i told her evenly and calmly. "we get in trouble if we don’t follow policy. i'm only doing my job when i charge you for your grande drips. there's no reason to be offended because i've done my job and another barista happens to know that."
"YOU listen," she pointed her finger at me. "what YOU should be concerned about is whether someone comes in with a gun and shoots you dead. or if they jump over the counter and rob you! you should NOT be so concerned with how much i pay for my coffee!"
"it's true," i conceded before launching into my own tirade. "being robbed is a huge concern, however that doesn't mean i completely ignore policy and let you pay whatever you want just because i don't want to be shot!"
"well, i would never expect you to not do your job." she said in a tone that was part sarcastic and part complimentary. "let's just say this: let's start fresh next time i come in. you have apologized and i accept your apology. perhaps we can forget all this ever happened." she offered before leaving (WITHOUT her two forty cent refills, i must add).

my fellow baristas had a good laugh about my tongue-lashing, their favorite quote now being "brat, you have mortally offended me!".
but the best part of the story hasn't even been told yet!
a few days after mrs. moocher chewed me out, one of my favorite baristas ever came into my bux. he and i used to work together quite often before he was transferred to the bux across town.

"hey brat!" he called out before giving me a hug. "you'll never believe who showed up at my store - mrs. moocher!"
i laughed and began to fill him in on me having 'mortally offended' her, but he interrupted me.
"what a liar!" he shook his head. "she came in and tried to run her scam on me, but i told her 'hey - i know who you are! you used to come into my old store all the time and try to get freebies and discounted drinks.' she tried to deny it until i said 'lady - i worked with brat at the other store. i was there when she told you that you had to pay regular price - so don't think just because i'm at a different store that i'm gonna forget to charge you correctly'."

now i can't wait for mrs. moocher to come back to my store. i have a feeling that she'll be quite disappointed that i'm not so willing to "start fresh".

customer rant: please, please, please let me know if you are out of iced coffee! pouring hot coffee over ice cubes is NOT the same beverage at all! especially DON'T pull this stunt with me since i work with you! if anyone can taste the difference, it's a fellow barista - and if anyone should know better it's the baristas i work with.

absence makes the brat gripe harder

2007-05-23T14:21:00.000-07:00

sorry for the lack of posts!!!
not only have i been racking up the hours at bux, but i've been VERY busy in my non-barista life.
hopefully an extra long tirade today will make up for my tardiness.

gripe #1
- we've had an unusually high number of partners in our district calling out because of sickness. my manager pleaded with me to close six nights in a row (yes, that included the whole weekend) and i (stupidly) complied. really, i don't mind closing. i usually have 1-2 closing shifts a week and as i've stated before i think closers work harder and have more work than the openers or mid-dayers, nevertheless i was geared up for my closing shifts and walked in each afternoon with a positive attitude.
well, at least for three days i did.
by day four i had trouble holding in my annoyance with the morning and mid crews. for the fourth day in a row nothing was prepped for the closers. since i mostly do mid-days i know exactly what needs to be done to prepare the store for the closers, but since i was closing there was no one to ensure good shifts were turned over to me. nothing had been deep cleaned, the pastry case hadn't been turned over, nor had the rtd case been stocked. mind you, for three nights we closers punched out twenty minutes after our scheduled time because we set the openers up for success. i had a discussion with mr. split personality assistant manager, who basically blamed it all on the 'other baristas'.
that night after my close - for the first time in months - i had an anxiety dream about work.
the next day i was prepared to walk into another disaster shift, but much to my surprise i was greeted with cheers from my fellow baristas.
"brat's here!" they all called out when i entered the store.
"yay - i get to work with brat today!" two baristas, who i hadn't worked with in weeks, exclaimed.
i wish i could describe how great it feels to see your co-workers perk up and cheer when you walk into a room. especially after having such a horrid dream about bux.
fortunately for me perky assistant manager was running the mid-shift and turned over an amazingly prepped store to me. i ended up having one of the best shifts ever and had no trouble getting my positive attitude back - which was so necessary because i NEEDED it to carry me through the next night's closing shift.
but the worst part of this experience was having my manager bitch at me about going over in labor.
"brat, you really should have been cutting hours, not staying twenty minutes over!" he chided me.
"well, next time i'll know to do that." i replied sarcastically. "we'll just forgo cleaning and prepping for the openers."
"brat, you should be able to do all your work AND cut hours."
suffice it to say, i was pissed. so when my manager asked me yesterday if i could pick up two shifts this week, i answered with a quick and definitive 'NO'.
i might have made an enemy of my manager, but after my hellish closing stretch, i don't care.

gripe #2
- i've ranted about this before, but it needs to be revisited. what is it with customers that needlessly bug the barista on bar?!? asking for straws, cups of water and sleeves is annoying, but at least it makes sense. bitching to the barista on bar that you're waiting for your ground coffee is stupid. really, do you see a grinder anywhere near the bar?!? also, asking the barista on bar for tissue paper, bags, or what song is playing is equally dumb. and yet there seems to be an insane number of customers who do this. not only that - they all seem to do it when it is quite clear the barista has a number of drinks on the bar and is working their little green apron tails off.
if you asked for a pound of coffee to be ground - then go bug the person who GROUND the coffee!
if you bought a mug and want a bag - then go ask the person who rang you up for the damn mug for a bag!
let the barista on bar do their job and make the twenty drinks they have in front of them, ok?

gripe #3
- in my bux we have 23 open syrups at any given time. a handful of them are duplicates for the cold beverage station, but still - 23 effin' syrups!?! what the hell!
bux just introduced new drinks with our new orange syrup. now, at one time we had valencia syrup that we used for iced teas and for valencia mochas (a drink that almost no one ordered), but now it has been replaced with a sickly sweet, fluorescent colored liquid that hasn't even a hint of natural flavors.
of course that doesn't matter to the customers who live for even more options to add to their already high-maintenance beverages. the thing bux doesn't seem to realize is that we don't gain any NEW customers when we add new drinks to the menu. instead we get regulars who switch their drink for a few weeks before returning to their old standard.
why is it that baristas know this, but the head honchos in seattle haven't figured it out yet?
btw, corporate - our stocks have (yet again) dropped. guess the new orange syrup wasn't the success you though it would be, eh?

partner rant: don't reward jerk customers! seriously! mr. whim came in again and of course was up to his old tricks. it's one thing to remake a drink for the jerk, but don't give him two free drink coupons for 'his trouble'. you know he's full of bull, so why give him a lucrative reason to complain? now he's going to demand a free drink coupon every time he comes in and makes up a reason why his drink wasn't right. please, save the free coupons for customers who deserve them, not for the jerks with attitude.

pick a card - any card

2007-05-13T17:09:00.000-07:00

i've posted before about scammers with fake money, fake coupons, fake gift certificates and fake receipts.
this morning, however, i was shocked when a customer handed me a fake partner card.

for those of you who might not know, each barista is issued a card that has their name and partner number on it. it has a magnetic strip, just like the gift cards (in fact, partners can use their partner card as a debit card if they so wish) and is supposed to be swiped every time a barista wants to use their partner discount.
most bux used to be pretty lenient when it came to the partner discount: so long as someone rattled off their partner number and their name, they could get their 30% off. of course partners helped their family and friends memorize their number so they too could partake of the discount, which is why bux has cracked down on partner discounts. now policy states that a partner must bring in their company issued partner card, as well as a valid id, if they want their 30% off.

so this morning a customer came in and ordered three drinks, as well as three pastries. when i gave him the total he responded with an "i'm a partner" and handed me his 'partner card'.

"so you have money left on this?" i asked him as i looked over the card for store credit that he'd handed me.
"that's my partner card!" he said in a huffy tone.

for a second i was perplexed, because really i didn't think anyone would be so stupid to think that writing random digits on a card that clearly states 'store credit' would fool a bux barista.
the customer was getting visibly upset with me but again i asked him if there was store credit left on the card.

"i told you already - that's my damn partner card!" he growled.
"really, you're a partner?" i asked incredulously. "what store do you work at?"
"none of your business!" was his mature response.
"well, how many pumps of vanilla syrup go into a venti vanilla bean frappuccino?"
i knew that if he really was a partner he'd know it was a trick question since vanilla bean frappuccinos use powder, and not syrup.
"five." he answered solidly.
"nope." i smirked and again repeated the total for his order.
"you're a bitch!" he spat and snatched his 'partner card' from out of my hands before storming out of my bux.

sadly his scam, bad as it is, will probably fool a barista at a different bux.

barista rant: don't throw a hissy because i wouldn't steam your soy milk to 200 degrees. when i was a newbie barista i once made the mistake of going against policy and attempted to steam milk to that temperature. i ended up with burns on my hand - a painful way to discover why bux puts limits on the temperatures we steam to. don't tell me that the other baristas do it, or that you have a medical condition that necessitates your soy milk to be boiled before you consume it. i will not put myself in harm's way ever again for a customer's whim, so if you need your beverage scalded, i suggest you buy some heavy duty gloves because you'll have to do it yourself!

(re)make up your mind

2007-05-07T23:27:00.000-07:00

i’ve ranted before about customers who hold up the line while they spend twenty minutes figuring out whatever it is they want to order. what’s worse is when they decide what they ordered isn’t what they really wanted after all.
this morning a woman asked the register partner to describe every drink on the menu. and when she’d finally narrowed down her choices she wanted a sample of each of them “so i can be sure i like what I’m ordering!”.

she decided on a grande soy mocha (after trying it with whole, nonfat, percent and organic milk). i made her drink in record time (so that she’d finally leave our store) and after two sips she decided she wanted something else.

“i don’t think this is right.” she wrinkled her nose and pushed the drink back towards me.
“you ordered a grande soy mocha, yeah?” i asked her – a bit defensively since i’d been the one to make the samples for her.
“yes, but i don’t think i like it. i think i want to try it with white mocha instead.”

i wasn’t thrilled about remaking the drink for her, but i figured the quicker she got it the quicker she would leave. so after expediting her soy white mocha i bid her a good day.

“excuse me, but i don’t think i like this.” she said after another two sips.
“what’s wrong with it?” i asked, pissed because i knew she was going to want me to remake it yet again.
“i think i want it iced instead. it’s so hot out there today!” she said with a smile, as if that would make everything better.

so i made her wait until i finished the three drinks i already had on bar, which ended up being a good thing because right as i pulled the shots for her new drink she informed me that she wanted it blended instead. i didn’t take the time to explain that we can’t blend soy drinks. instead i threw together a frappuccino and slid it to her as soon as it was done.

“thank y-”
“bye.” i interrupted her and went back to making drinks.

before she left our store she turned around and began to say something to me, but i shot her a look that let her know she wasn’t going to get another remake. finally she left and i said a prayer to the bean gods so she’ll never come back to our bux again.

partner rant: don’t get upset if i remind you how to make a drink. don’t yell at a newbie because she told you to reset the timers every time you brew coffee. and don’t bad mouth the manager because he asked you to come to work in proper dress code. if you can’t handle the job then you should find another one.

doggone doozy

2007-04-28T20:03:00.000-07:00

i've ranted about vanity dogs and their owners before. the folks that believe their beloved 'fifi' is actually a human offspring and not of the canine variety. every week someone ignores our clearly displayed "no pets" sign and saunters right in with their four legged friend.

"i'm sorry, but we can't have dogs in here." i always inform them. "but i'll be happy to bring your drink out to you when it's ready."
"but i'm HOLDING her!" the customer will say, as if that makes a difference.
"but i'm only going to be a second!" a different customer will protest.
"why isn't mr. peaches allowed in here? it's not like you serve food!" a truly clueless customer will reason.

usually we only have to go one round with the dog-loving customers, but of course there's ALWAYS an exception.

my bux's exception is named marcy.
marcy has a dog named max.
marcy loves max more than life itself. i know this because marcy tells us this everytime she brings max into the store.
usually we spot marcy in the parking lot and have her drink ready before she even makes it to the front door. other times, however, marcy and max make it into the store where they cause quite a fuss.

this past week's episode of 'the max and marcy show' was legendary.

"hi marcy, you know the rules - "
"don't give me that b.s.! you always tell me max can't be in the store so why is that guy in the corner allowed to have his dog?" marcy stuck her finger in perky assistant manager's face.
"marcy, only service animals are allowed inside." perky assistant manager didn't flinch.
"oh, so when it's someone you like you bend the rules, huh?" marcy raised her voice so the customer with the service dog could hear.
"no marcy," perky assistant manager sighed. "that's the law. health code says no animals unless it's a service animal."
"so how do you know he's a service animal, huh? did he tip you extra or something?" marcy was getting louder and max was starting to growl.
"um, the red vest with the words 'service animal' is how we can tell." perky assistant manager was getting angry.
"so, if i dress max up in a little red outfit, then he can stay?" marcy glared at my assistant manager.
"no marcy." perky assistant manager was having no more of max and marcy. "you know the rules. if you can't obey them then you can't come back here."
finally marcy and max left, but not before she bitched us out some more about not letting her beloved dog inside.

but here's the kicker:
today was my day off and i was running errands. i went to the bank and as i walked through the parking lot i saw marcy and max getting out of her car. sure, she was holding max in her arms but inside the car i could clearly see a toddler in a carseat! i didn't even know she had a friggen' kid! she locked her car and then took max into the bank with her while her child was left in his carseat. as soon as i got inside the bank i told the guard about marcy and her kid. he immediately walked over to her and told her that if she didn't get her child out from the backseat he'd call the police. marcy raised a huge fuss (are you surprised) but finally aquiesced.
it sickens me to know she cares more about a dog than the safety of a child. and it makes me nauseous to think that perhaps that poor kid has been left in the car when she brings max into my bux.

customer rant: when i ask for an americano with no room, don't ask me to repeat my order in spanish. are you kidding me?!? if you need your customers to speak your native tongue so that you can understand them, then maybe you shouldn't be working the register. i know how to order my drinks correctly. 'tall americano - no room' is quite clear, even if english isn't your first language.

best of the worst

2007-04-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

some of my favorite exchanges from this weekend:

barista brat: venti nonfat latte on the bar!
customer: is this the soy latte?
barista brat: the decaf grande soy no foam latte?
customer: yeah, is this it?
barista brat: no, this is still a venti nonfat latte.

barista buddy: can i help the next person in line?
clueless customer: are you talking to me?
barista buddy: sure, if you're ready to order.
clueless customer: wait, are you talking to me?
barista buddy: yes. i. am. talking. to. you.
clueless customer: am i the next person in line?
barista buddy: no, the invisible man is. i'll help you as soon as i'm done with him.

teenager: if i give you a big tip will you give me a drink for free?
barista brat: how about you don't tip me at all and pay the regular price.
teenager: but i don't have enough money.
barista brat: so how were you supposed to tip?
teenager: ok, i wasn't really going to tip you. i just wanted a discount. is there a discount for being honest?

high-strung lady: you breathed in my cup!
newbie: excuse me?
high-strung lady: you breathed in my cup!
newbie: all i did was put syrup in it.
high-strung lady: i know! and as you did it you breathed right into it. i heard you! you made a noise like this - 'shhhuhhhshhuhh'.
newbie: did it sound like this?
*newbie adds two more pumps of syrup to the cup*
high-strung lady: yes, it sounded exactly like that, except you made the noise with your mouth.

barista rant: don't ask me, the barista at bar, if you have all your drinks. YOU are the person who ordered them. YOU should remember how many drinks you paid for. what makes you think that i will know what you ordered when i was not the person who rang you up? do you just randomly order beverages? is it some sort of espresso lottery? if it is too hard to keep track then maybe you should keep a list, or at least order them all under the same name instead of having us write a different name on each cup.

quit talking:talk quitting

2007-04-18T14:48:00.000-07:00

the talker, alas, is no longer with us.

you might recall that he and the partner-formerly-known-as-amorous had a mutual detestation of each other.
not a shift could pass without them arguing, bitching or complaining. not a week passed without the entire store knowing the drama that unfolded between the two of them. it didn't matter how many 'coaching conversations' were had or how many times the manager threatened to write them up, nothing could keep these two from their verbal warfare.

from the get-go is was clear that pfkaa was the dominant combatant. she had the better comebacks and the tougher skin. the talker, on the other hand, was all emotion with none of the wit. and as soon as pfkaa would wail particularly hard on him, he'd escape to the backroom to have a cry.
except he called it a "moment of personal reflection".

"i really don't want to argue with her," the talker once confided to me. "i'm really above all that, but i just can't take her talking crap about you and everyone else in the store."
"well, let me and everyone else fight our own battles." i replied, knowing he was full of it. "if you're above it, then don't participate."

of course the talker was never "above it" and their arguments only increased in vitriol and volume. finally the manager sat both of them down and informed them that if they couldn't get along, then one of them would have to be transferred.

"well, it's not going to be me because i've been here the longest!" the talker proclaimed shortly after his meeting with the manager.
"dude, i'm not going anywhere!" pfkaa shot right back at him. "i already had to transfer once because of stupid drama."
"you're the reason for all the drama." the talker was holding back tears. "i used to love it here, but now i hate it. you've made my life a living hell!"
"what life?" pfkaa smirked. "like eating marked out pastries at home alone is living."
i'm sure the talker was just waiting to unload with some biting reply, except that he had to run to the backroom for his cry.

as promised, the manager decided to transfer one of them. he decided the talker would be a "better fit" for the store down the street, but the talker wasn't having any of it.
"i'm not going anywhere!" the talker said to the manager.
"i'm sorry but i gave you fair warning." the manager told him as he handed the talker his schedule for the other bux.
"this bites!" the talker started to cry again. "i quit! if i can't work here, then i'm quitting."

the talker ended up quitting on the spot, not bothering to finish off his last week at our bux. although i don't blame him for quitting, i certainly don't feel sorry for him.
now, if we can only get the manager to get rid of pfkaa...

barista rant: yelling "hey!" to the back of my head is useless. especially since i'm blending frappuccinos and i can't hear you. snapping your fingers doesn't help, nor does banging on the counter. and why was it so necessary to get my attention? why did you bypass the barista on bar to yell at me? especially when you ordered an espresso drink and not a frappuccino? and when i finally finished with the blenders and came over to help you, you barked that your drink wasn't hot enough. how the hell is that my problem? complain to the barista that actually handed you the drink!

motor-mouth

2007-04-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

some customers have the gift of the gab. they come in, exchange pleasantries and regale us baristas with fantastic tales and humorous stories.
and then there are the customers who have a chronic case of verbal diarrhea and will talk at us non-stop, even as we back away and try to flee to the backroom.

yesterday one of our regular non-stop talkers came in for his daily latte. usually he spends about five minutes talking himself up and trying to impress us baristas with his 'a-list' clientele. but yesterday he was in a bad mood and his five minutes turned into fifteen.

"you know, brat - normally i'm calm and cool, but sometimes in my line of work i have to deal with bullshit that just puts me over the edge."
"hm. that's too bad," i answered automatically as i finished changing the pastries in the case.
"oh yeah, and i hate when i get like this. i hate feeling like this. i hate seeing other people's reactions to me when i'm over the edge." he continued as he mirrored my journey to the trash can and then back to the pastry case.
"hope things get better for you." i smiled, trying to do my best 'the conversation is now over' face.
"see, even my business partner could tell i was pissed. look at this text message he just sent me!" he tried to hand me his phone and i just glanced at it and nodded while i cleaned the outside of the pastry case.
"and now i have to drive to the airport and pick up one of my clients, which i really don't want to do since i'm in such a bad mood." he continued, even though i had walked away and started to stock cups and lids.
"well, drive safe!" i tried to end the conversation again, but he wasn't ready to leave.
"you know, i just like it when everyone is happy. when everyone is in a good mood - and now i'm gonna have to face my client and pretend i'm interested in what he's saying when i couldn't care less about his problems!"
"yeah - i hate that." i replied, hoping he'd catch the hint.
"hopefully his plane won't be late - that way i can still go out with this hot little russian student i sometimes see." he paused to see my reaction and when i didn't say anything he continued.
"you know, i might be older but i'm still fit. i'm in good shape and this little russian student is crazy about the fact that i'm crazy about her." again he paused but i'd moved on to cleaning the cabinets.
"brat, i offered to take you out before but you turned me down. now even if you wanted to go out with me i wouldn't be able to because of my young russian student."
"i'm glad you two are happy," i replied and then escaped to the backroom for my break.

when i returned ten minutes later, mr. over-the-edge was still hanging out in the lobby. he'd found a new target to talk to repeated, almost verbatim, the same things he'd just told me.

"you jealous?" barista buddy teased me when the non-stop talker left. "you totally missed your chance to see how fit he is!"

i'm hoping his tirade is shorter next time or i'll be the one going over the edge.

customer rant: your hair is beautiful, truly it is. i can totally tell that you take pride in your cascading ringlets, but please, when you're at work, tie your hair back! as you worked behind the bar your hair not only landed in the milk pitchers but got tangled up on the whipped cream container as well. one of your wayward locks even managed to get stuck on a syrup pump, sending three bottles crashing to the floor. i tell you, never was i more thankful that i had ordered a drip coffee instead of a bar drink.

to bux, with love

2007-04-11T15:09:00.000-07:00

dear bux,

hi! how's it going? just wanted to drop you a line and let you know how things have been at my store.

as i'm sure you already know, we did not make our sales goal for the brewing event. even though we wasted barista hours with daily demos, and giving away free lattes made with the machines that were on sale, we still fell flat and were nowhere close to making our goal. of course, a large percentage of our customers are kids from the four neighboring schools around us, and even though they are from very affluent families it was pretty obvious that none of them were going to throw down several hundred dollars for an espresso machine (especially when all they order is frappuccinos).

but i digress.

what i really wanted to talk to you about was our new drinks. you know the ones i'm talking about: the dulce de leche latte and the dulce de leche frappuccino.
now i've been instructed to sample our new beverages every half hour. i know, i know, you expect us to sample ALL the time - not just when we have new beverages, but you know what? in all the time i've worked for bux i've NEVER had a customer sample a beverage and then order it.
honestly.
a sample for the customer is just a mini-freebie. that's all. not only that, every day three to five people come in asking for samples of drinks and pastries and then leave after we've given it to them. you understand? they don't order a single thing except for the sample.

also, do you remember bringing back the cinnamon dolce latte and cinnamon dolce frappuccino a short while ago? not only that, last year you introduced the iced cafe con leche. so you know what is now happening in my bux? we have customers asking for "cinnamon dulce de latte cafe con leches".

that's right.
and what follows is a five minute conversation while we, the baristas, try to figure out which drink the customer really wants. and then they get huffy with us because they felt stupid while ordering their drink. meanwhile the line of customers behind mr./ms. huffy is growing longer and more agitated by the moment.
and yet you expect us to hand a customer their drink within three minutes of them entering our store. let me tell you - that is not possible when we have to upsell, explain the menu, fix mis-ordered drinks and sample all at the same time.

so please, bux - take a cue from christina aguilera and get 'back to basics'.

sincerely,

barista brat

partner rant: please don't call me on my day off to tell me how bored you are at work. don't ask me if i'll come in for you so you can go party. and CERTAINLY don't ask if i'll call other stores to cover your shift. it's my friggen' day off!

easter dummies

2007-04-08T16:40:00.000-07:00

i usually love to work holidays because (for the most part) customers are all smiles and business tends to be slower. today, however, there were several exceptions to the general rule.

MANY people decided bux coffee would go great with their easter brunch, so we had a rash of people ordering our coffee travellers. now usually people will phone these orders in ahead of time, but not today. we had several customers walk in, order a traveller (plus all the condiments) and expect us to have it ready for them in under three minutes. since it takes four minutes just to brew a batch of coffee it is impossible to hand over a traveller as soon as a customer orders one (which is exactly why most people call ahead).
most of the customers understood that it would be a short wait for their travellers, but there were two separate customers who decided it was perfectly acceptable to raise holy hell.
"isn't this starbucks?" one lady sneered at me. "aren't you guys supposed to ALWAYS have coffee?"
"certainly we have coffee, but i need to brew a batch especially for the coffee traveler you ordered." i informed her with gritted teeth.
"i can't believe this!" she complained two minutes later. "that lady just got her drink and she was BEHIND me in line!"
"ma'am," i tried to keep an even tone, "if you'd ordered a latte then you would've gotten your beverage before her."
"just hurry it up!" she snapped at me and gave me the stink eye until her order was ready.
the other customer wasn't as rude, but was just as big of a pain. hating that he'd have to wait a few minutes while the coffee was brewing, he tried to argue that he deserved some sort of compensation for his time. i agreed to let him have a free drip coffee, but he wanted a frappuccino. he also wanted free pastries and a free sandwich. when i refused he gave me a sour look and said "well, i see YOU'RE not in a giving mood this holiday."
"i thought christmas was the time for gift giving, not easter." i smiled at him and bid him a good day.

but the craziest story of the day was the elderly couple who ordered five different beverages. the register partner handed them their venti drip coffee while they waited for me to make their four bar drinks. the husband attempted to fit his venti drip coffee in the carrying tray i'd handed him and ended up splashing a bit of the coffee on his hand.
"OW, OW, GODDAMMIT!" he howled and jumped up and down. "DAMN IT! DAMN IT! THAT COFFEE IS PIPING HOT!"
"let me get you some ice and a towel." i offered right away, although it was clear only a drop of coffee escaped from the lid.
"GIVE ME ICE! GODDAMMIT THIS HURTS!" he continued to howl and nurse his hand.
i offered him some burn cream but his wife just waved me off and said the ice was good enough.
by the time i'd finished making the rest of the drinks he'd calmed down.
"what is this drink?" the man pointed to his cup of coffee. "is this the coffee? because i ordered a coffee."
"uh, yes. that's the coffee." i told him, bewildered that he seemed to have forgotten making such a scene about the coffee just minutes earlier.
"just wanted to make sure i wasn't taking someone else's drink!" he said as he placed the cup of coffee in the tray, splashing a bit on his hand in the process.
but this time there were no theatrics and he went on his merry way.

barista rant: LISTEN for your drink! i'm tired of calling a drink out repeatedly, only to have it sit on the bar and grow cold. and by the time you saunter over to the counter to pick it up, you complain that it's not hot enough. and then you want a free drink coupon since you "had to wait" for me to remake your lukewarm drink. pay attention if you want your latte hot!

tales from the bright side

2007-04-04T15:48:00.000-07:00

sometimes, when there's a rash of jerk customers (like the other day), it's tempting to quit. but then there are other days where the customers are all great, or someone makes you laugh so hard that it's totally worth it to wear the green apron.

favorite funny bux stories so far this week:
- a group of rowdy middle grade boys came in and were very disruptive. the were so loud i had to play the "if you can't behave, you'll have to leave" card. meanwhile an employee from the burger shop next to us came in for his drink.
"hey, why did your boss kick us out yesterday?" one of the boys asked the burger shop employee.
"because you guys are loud, obnoxious and messy." he answered with a smile.
"but she can't throw us out just because she doesn't like us!" another boy piped up.
"guys, i know that you know the reason why she kicked you out. all you have to do is be cool and then you can hang out all night long." he told them as they gathered their things to leave my store.
"hey, guys!" the burger employee called them back before they'd walked out. "you see this?" he pointed to the mess on the table and chairs in the aisle. "this is the reason people don't want you in their place of business. now clean all this up and apologize to the starbucks workers for being bad customers."
unbelievably the boys did exactly what they were told - even apologizing to us.
"you want a job here?" i teased the burger employee after the boys had left.
"hell no!" he laughed. "at my store i can kick those snots out any time i want!"

- (this happened at my fellow barista brat's bux) a kid walked into the store and gabbed a root beer from the display case and brought it to the counter. after paying for the soda, and putting the change in the tip jar, he returned the root beer to the display case and started to leave the store.
"hey!" the register partner called out to the kid. "aren't you going to take your soda? you just paid for it!"
"yeah, but i stole one last week and my mom made me come back just to pay for it."

- a tall guy in a suit came in and stood in line, the whole time he was on the phone. when it came is turn to order he put the phone down and asked barista buddy if he remembered him.
"i'm not sure - i'm sorry." barista buddy apologized, thinking he had messed this guy's drink up in the past.
"well, i came in about a month ago and ordered an iced latte, but i left my wallet at the office and you went ahead and gave me the drink and told me i could pay you later."
"oh yeah, ok." barista buddy started to ring the guy up for the latte.
"the rest is for the tip jar." the tall guy said as he handed over a twenty dollar bill. "thanks again for that!" he called out as he left.

- a regular customer came in holding a large pizza box in one hand and a two-liter of coke in the other.
"oh, yay! you brought enough to share!" i teased her as i marked her cup.
"i sure did!" she smiled. "this is for you guys. i left mine in the car." she answered and handed us the pizza and coke. "you guys always make my day, so i figured i could make yours for once!"

partner rant: please don't give out false information to customers. don't tell them that we blend soy drinks, that frappuccino lights are totally calorie free or that all our tea is organic. it doesn't matter that you don't think the customers really care whether you're lying or not. the fact is you're making every other baristas job harder when you give out false information. either learn the real info, or go work someplace else.

three of a(n) UN-kind

2007-04-01T20:41:00.000-07:00

some days at bux everything flows smoothly.
and then there are days like today when it seems the world has swallowed a pitch-a-fit pill.

my very first customer of the day ordered a mocha frappuccino light - not a problem. but because the beverage was made correctly (meaning there wasn't extra frappuccino guts left in the blender) the customer decided to raise hell because she felt she was being shorted.
"this isn't really full." she slid the frappuccino back to me. "can you top it off?"
seriously, there was really no room to 'top off' the drink, but that isn't really what the lady wanted. what she wanted was for me to remake the drink and give her two for the price of one. so i blended about an inch more of the mocha frappuccino light and 'topped off' her drink.
"why don't you use a dome lid and pour the rest in?" she said in an amazingly patronizing tone of voice when she saw i was going to dump the last bit of frappuccino down the sink.
"oh, did you want to pay the difference for a larger size?" i smiled, knowing full well it rubbed her the wrong way.
"forget it!" she grabbed her drink and straw. "next time learn how to make the drink right on the first try!"

the second customer was a woman who ordered a double tall nonfat cappuccino. i know that's what she ordered because i heard her order it. i also repeated the order to her before i started foaming the nonfat milk. but when i handed her a double tall nonfat cappuccino she huffed and whined about me getting her drink wrong.
"i ordered a LATTE, not a CAPPUCCINO!" she rolled her eyes.
"i'm sorry," i said none too sincerely. "i thought i heard you say cappuccino, and i know when i verified the order i said cappuccino and not latte."
"ask the guy on register!" the lady shot back defensively. "hey! tell her what drink i ordered!" she called out to barista buddy.
"double tall nonfat cappuccino." barista buddy replied without skipping a beat.
"well, the both of you are deaf," she muttered under her breath.
"guess i must be improving because i had no trouble hearing that." i told her directly before remaking her drink.

the third jerk customer of the day was a guy who decided his time was more valuable than the three people in front of him in line.
"gimme a double espresso, water, tall hot cup." he ordered and tossed two bucks at me and began reading the paper.
of course i wasn't going to rush his order through and instead finished the drinks i had on the bar - including the drinks of the three customers he skipped ahead of.
"sorry sir, did you want two shots with water in a tall hot cup?" i asked to clarify.
"double. espresso. water. tall. hot. cup." the guy responded without even making eye contact with me.
so i made him a lukewarm americano, which is what i understood his order to be.
"what is this?" he wrinkled his brow and looked at me like i'd just placed a cup filled with urine in front of him.
"double espresso and water in a tall cup." this time it was my turn to respond flippantly.
"i wanted a DOUBLE ESPRESSO and a cup of water in a hot cup! separate! not together!" the guy raised his voice at me. "and i ordered it, like, ten minutes ago!"
well, since i was already in a mood because of the mocha frappuccino light lady and the cappuccino lady, i was extra bratty when i responded to the jerk customer.
"oh, you wanted a double espresso separated into two cups? so you want two solo shots of espresso? which one gets water?" i smiled at him. "did you want the water hot? or just a tall hot cup? or did you want -"
"just give me two damn shots of espresso!" he interrupted me.
"gladly!" i said, keeping the fake smile on my face.
and yes, i did give him decaf.

partner rant: if you're going to have someone from another store cover your shift, please make sure they've been with bux for longer than two weeks. getting a brand newbie to cover during a morning rush doesn't do anybody any good. so please, make sure that whoever covers your shift at least knows how to ring and do lobbies.

freebie jeebies

2007-03-29T14:52:00.000-07:00

remember mr. and mrs. moocher?
they were the older couple who asked for extra cups, water, coffee "refills" and always tried to get everything for free.
well, the moochers haven't been around since we quit giving them freebies. imagine my surprise when i covered a shift at a different bux and i saw the moochers heading towards the register!

"you know about these two, right?" i whispered to the register partner before the moochers made it to the counter.
"oh my god!" register partner gave me a look and wrinkled her nose. "i HATE these two!"
"well, make sure they know they have to pay for what they order." i told her before i went back to bar.

of course the moochers pulled out all the stops with register partner when she told them they would have to pay regular price for their coffee. and of course register partner fell for it all and charged them for only one refill, when they should have been charged for two grande drips.

besides the moochers, this bux has another infamous customer who wants to pay next to nothing for his drink.
apparently he waits until bux quits serving their mild coffee (we don't serve two different types of regular throughout the day) and asks for an extra extra foamy mild misto in his commuter mug.
since there is no more mild coffee and he refuses to drink the bold roast, he demands two espresso shots undiluted in his mug before the milk and foam are poured over the top. then he makes sure to badger the barista on bar so his foam is super, super stiff and demands that it rises at least three inches above the rim of his mug.
so in reality he's getting a venti cappuccino, but only ends up spending the amount of a tall misto, minus the cup discount. and the kicker is he'll make the barista remake it until the foam peak is EXACTLY to his liking.

this bux must be known for being soft on policy because later in the day three jr. high kids came in and begged for pastries, although they had no money.
and the register partner GAVE them free pastries because according to her "they're so annoying, i'd rather give them free stuff so they leave rather than have to listen to them whine for an hour."
wow, she's gonna make a great parent.

barista rant: don't accuse me of stealing your money just because you lost your wallet in my bux. especially if you lost it three days earlier and only just recently noticed it missing. don't label us baristas as thieves because you can't keep track of your belongings. and don't blame us for the fact that none of our customers turned it in.

still roasting

2007-03-25T20:15:00.000-07:00

*i know i've missed a week's worth of blogging, and i hope this post brings everyone back up to speed*

here's the latest goings on at brat's bux:

- mr. whim made the talker cry.
seriously.
according to the talker, mr. whim was more abrupt that usual when asking for his drink to be remade. the talker made some comment about how mr. whim's whims always seem to change, and mr. whim shot back with a "what's it to you, fag?". so, while the talker went to the backroom to have a cry, perky assistant manager had some harsh words of her own for mr. whim.
"sir, you can take your business elsewhere. we don't serve customers who call our baristas derogatory names."
mr. whim, however, claimed he had used the word 'friend', and not 'fag'. perky assistant manager wasn't buying it, but let him off with a strict warning. i have to admit mr. whim was on his best behaviour when he came in this morning - and he didn't complain at all about his drink.

- overly amorous barista has now alienated herself from every single partner in our store. besides talking smack about her fellow baristas, she's managed to screw up every shift she's been on (by either slacking off, or by making disastrous mistakes). she's also pissed off our manager by demanding more hours, only to give up at least one of her shifts a week. i have a feeling she is on her way out.

- someone decided to leave their mark in our toilet. apparently tagging the mirror or the wooden door wasn't good enough. it's unbelievable but somebody actually drained the toilet tank so they could tag the inside of the bowl. the idiocy involved is almost comical, in my opinion.

- one of our regulars came in intoxicated and managed to hit on every one of the baristas working - boys and girls. "your ass is like two perfectly formed dumplings - i could nosh on it for days!" is what he told one of our particularly fit male baristas. "i wouldn't need a caffeine fix if i woke up to a cup of you everyday." is the bizarre comment he said to me.

- mr. split assistant manager and i have a mutual friend outside of work, which means mr. split now considers me his bux BFF. the upside is he's totally cool with me at work. the downside is having to listen to him bitch about how he can't get a girlfriend, and how all the girls that try to friend him on myspace are "total woofers". he also wants to hang together on our days off, but that is so not going to happen.

- our district manager spent an insane amount of time creating a poster and "incentive contest" for our brewing event. honestly, no one but the manager and assistant managers care about selling x-amount of coffee makers, so district manager is super upset with us baristas. not only that we are now being threatened with write-ups if we don't demo the machines at least three times per shift.

- the property manager of our shopping center has been hassling the baristas about our neighborhood SDF. i guess our property manager was trying to evict the homeless man from behind trash bin #3 - who claims "well, the starbucks people say i can stay, so i'm staying!". since the property manager has "no reason NOT to believe him!" he's been on our case about it. he's even gone as far as to suggest one of us give the homeless man a ride to the nearest shelter so that he won't be hanging around the trash bins anymore.

barista rant: what planet are you from? just because you're hungry doesn't mean you can take one of our sandwiches out of its wrapper, take three large bites and then hand us a dollar because you didn't plan on eating the whole thing. getting pissy with us when we explain that you have to pay for the entire sandwich, even if you only had three bites, will not suddenly make everything "all good".

almost famous

2007-03-18T16:24:00.000-07:00

dear c-list actor's annoying girlfriend,

yes, we know you're sleeping with some guy that used to be on tv, but don't expect preferential treatment because of it. you are not allowed to cut in line because you're boyfriend is double parked with the engine running. and we certainly do expect you to pause your phone conversation long enough to tell us what the hell it is you want to order.

"OH MY GAWD, YOU'D NEVER BELIEVE WHAT MY MAN BOUGHT ME! YOU'RE JUST GOING TO DIE WHEN YOU SEE IT! I'D BEEN TELLING HIM FOR MONTHS WHAT I WANTED AND HE - tai chi, non-dairy - FINALLY CAME HOME WITH THE BLUE BOX YESTERDAY! " is not a drink we carry at bux.
neither is a 'tai chi, non-dairy'.

responding to the question 'what size would you like?' by tossing a five-dollar bill at us does not inspire us to 'chop, chop!' when making your drink. bitching at the barista because he was supposed to read your mind and know you wanted your non-existent drink iced does not merit a free drink coupon. nor will yelling into your phone: "I HATE THIS FUCKING STARBUCKS! THE WORKERS ARE SO RUDE AND SLOW AND OBVIOUSLY JEALOUS BECAUSE THEY SAW ME AND MY BOYFRIEND PULL UP IN HIS NEW MERCEDES!"

throwing your straw wrapper on the floor as you left was a particularly eloquent parting gesture.
trust us, all the baristas here hope you make good on your promise to "FIND ANOTHER STARBUCKS TO GO TO - WHERE THEY ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT A TAI CHI NON-DAIRY IS!".

signed,

the bux baristas who'd rather clean the drains with our tongues than swap spit with c-list actor.

barista rant: i know the bux down the street closes an hour later than we do, but that doesn't mean you can repeatedly tug at our locked door and ask us to let you in. when we mouth the words 'we're closed' to you and point to our hours of operation, that is not an invitation to debate us about what time YOU'D like us to stay open until. calling us on your cell to continue the debate is not advised, either. nor is complaining that our interior lights are not dimmed, and are therefore 'misleading the public into believing you guys are still open'. really, sir, with all the time you took to bitch at us, you would have already been at the other bux enjoying your beverage.

brewing blues

2007-03-15T15:49:00.000-07:00

yesterday i had an exceptionally good day at work. not only did mr. split personality assistant manager turn over a totally amazing shift, my manager has been going out of his way to make sure his baristas are getting the hours they need. he’s even found shifts for us at other stores, which really is going above and beyond.

we also have two newbies who are super fast learners, and a third newbie who isn’t catching on as fast as we’d all like, but is putting every effort forth to get the job done. so even with newbies and newly transferred assistant manager, my little bux is starting to feel like very harmonious environment.

but (and you all knew there was a ‘but’ coming, didn’t you?) we are now having our brewing event.

bux has a brewing event every year and basically this is one time the execs in seattle ask us to REALLY push our espresso and coffee makers.
i am not a fan of the brewing event and here’s why:
1. there is a reason i’m not a car salesman. i abhor ‘selling’ a product to a consumer. what i love about being a barista is the customer comes to me, orders what they want, and i make it. i don’t have to approach them, chat them up, and pray that they’re willing to drop a grand on an espresso maker so that i can pay my rent.
2. it’s hard enough to pull a barista off the floor to grind some beans in the middle of a rush. what’s worse is to have a barista off the floor for twenty minutes to demo a coffee machine to a customer who really isn’t interested in buying it anyway.
3. it’s a bit of a sham. they want us to entice customers to drop a lot of money on an item bux doesn’t really want them to use. honestly, if everyone made their own coffee and espresso, bux wouldn’t be as profitable a company as it is.

the one item i feel comfortable pushing during the brewing event is the french press.
why?
because they’re relatively inexpensive, and it’s very difficult to get french pressed coffee in a café (plus it tastes SO much better than regular drip coffee), so i don’t feel bad about peddling a french press because i truly believe in the product and bux doesn’t prepare coffee in this manner (well, unless you specifically request it, and even though the barista will smile and says ‘no problem!’ they are cursing you inwardly).

of course i’m going to be a good sport and demo machines when customers ask about them as well as offering to explain why our coffee makers are superior to those you find in the grocery market. but i’m really glad i only have to do it once a year.

partner rant: please don’t tell newbies, ‘oh, you don’t have to really clean that – just wipe it down. brat cleaned it last night so we don’t have to do it tonight.’ don’t pass on your bad habits to newbies, and don’t tell them they can half-ass things if i’ve worked the night before. that’s just wrong on every level.

turkish delight

2007-03-11T21:11:00.000-07:00

on saturday we had one of the most obnoxious scammers i've ever encountered.
honestly, at first she came across as a sweet elementary school teacher - chatting with us a bit and asking us what coffee roast we recommended. after a couple minutes she decided to buy two pounds of espresso roast.

"can you grind them up real fine for me?" she asked.
"sure, did you want it ground for an espresso maker, or finer than that?" i asked before i opened the bags.
"grind it for turkish." she nodded at me.
and like i always do, i verified the grind with her before i poured the beans into the grinder.

barista buddy gave the woman her total, but she hemmed and hawed until i'd finished grinding the beans. as soon as i handed them to her she re-opened each package and sighed heavily.

"this is the wrong grind!" she frowned.
"you asked for turkish grind," i reminded her.
"no," she shook her head. "i wanted it fine, but not this fine. this is wrong."
barista buddy and i exchanged sour looks, knowing full well we both weren't hard of hearing.
"what did you want them ground for?" i asked, trying to keep my voice pleasant sounding.
"they're espresso beans!" she rolled her eyes. "obviously i want them ground for an espresso maker!"

so i pulled two more pounds of espresso off the display and triple verified that she wanted them ground for espresso.
"forget it," she told me. "just give me the beans and i'll grind them at home."
so barista buddy puts the two pounds of whole beans in a bag for her and again gives her the total.

"these were my beans," she lied. "i brought them from home. i just wanted you to grind them for me."
when she saw we weren't falling for her bull she decided to leave the second set of beans but tried to take the two pounds that were turkish ground.
"ma'am, you have to pay for those." i told her, this time my tone wasn't so pleasant.
"why? you're just going to throw them away anyway." she smiled, like we would somehow ignore the fact that she was trying to scam us.
"you can have them, but you have to pay for them." i told her again.

she spent another thirty seconds trying to convince us to give her the espresso for free. when we wouldn't relent she changed her tactics and began to bitch about our ineptitude and how we owed her an extra two pounds because we were the ones that screwed up.
"i'm never coming here again!" she gave us her parting shot while leaving empty-handed. "you guys are thieves!"

later barista buddy and i concluded she must be suffering from some affliction; her attempt to scam us was too bizarre and drawn out. or maybe she was doing recon for when she and her partner in crime go on a bux scamming spree.
who knows.

customer rant: i pray that you were joking when you said "you clean it!" and tossed a rag at the customer who informed you that the bathroom was dirty. i seriously hope you know the guy, or even that he was an off duty barista - because if he really was a customer i can bet he will be calling the corporate offices to complain.

convenient for who?

2007-03-07T12:04:00.000-08:00

i've ranted before about newbies that take waaaaaay too long to learn and master their barista duties - but sometimes it's the seasoned 'old-timers' who are guilty of slacking or cutting corners. in fact - seasoned baristas are the hardest to re-train. they are so stuck in their own personal ways and are resistant to change.

it doesn't matter if you point out how the proper way to do things is more efficient - they'd rather waste time and energy doing it they way they've always done it. sure, it's convenient for them to stay stuck in their ways, but it makes more work for the rest of us.

convenience #1 - rinsing out blender cups
i've ranted before about partners who throw blender lids into the sink without rinsing them, but worse than dirty lids are dirty blender cups. now you'd think a barista that has been with bux for more than two frappuccino seasons would understand that tossing dirty blender cups into a sink will only lead to more work when the next customer orders a frappuccino. and that it is gross and nasty to pull a dirty blender cup from the sink that is covered in coffee grinds, old whipped cream and lukewarm milk. and that it means we have to sanitize the damn thing several times an hour (as opposed to the usual rinsing).

convenience #2 - leaving all singles in your till
i know it's a lot easier to drop four five-dollar bills as opposed to twenty singles, but why the hell would you leave your till with only singles for the next register partner? when you finished tilling out did you not notice that you had no fives and all singles? and if you had some sort of brain fart and forgot to leave your till with the correct change, at least tell the manager so he can change the till out.

convenience #3 - leaving empty trays in the pastry case
why is it so hard to pull out an empty tray? especially if you take the last pastry off the tray to give a customer? don't you realize we get marked down for empty trays in the case? don't you realize it only takes about 2.1 seconds to yank that tray from the case? and don't you realize that you're setting the WORST example for the newbies when you leave a job half done?

convenience #4 - leaving a messy bar
i know it's impossible to keep the bar neat and clean every second, especially during a busy rush. but there are those times when there's only a couple customers in line and you don't have any drinks on deck. how hard is it to wipe down the counter, rinse out the pitchers, fill the hopper and clean the steam wand? even if you can't do all those things, can't you at least do one or two? why must you leave disgusting, crusty milk on the steam wands? what's the logic in leaving the hoppers empty? when the bar was handed over to you, it was fully stocked and clean - so why do you feel you are above leaving it prepped and clean for the next barista?

convenience #5 - not stocking the condiment bar
yeah, i know it's a neverending mission: keeping the condiment bar stocked and clean. but in our bux (and every other bux in my district) it is standard for you to fill the condiment bar before you go on break, lunch or go home. taking a rag and doing a one-swipe-wipe is not 'cleaning'. checking that the sugar container is half filled is not 'stocking'. and pushing the trash down further in the can is not 'changing the trash'.

convenience #6 - leaving trash single-bagged
i know it takes, like, an extra minute to empty the trash and line the can with two bags. yeah, i know you're saving yourself precious seconds when you decide to pull only the one bag out and leave the second bag in. but do you realize how much time is spent cleaning the trash can after the single bag splits and all the contents come pouring out? do you realize that now we have to clean the trash from off the floor and inside the can (which means we have to cart the can outside to rinse and dry it)? and that your 'shortcut' will leave us with one less person on the floor because someone has to clean up after your 'convenience'?

barista rant: don't tell me to grind your beans on "number three" if you don't want your beans ground for an espresso machine. don't tell me you want the beans ground for a french press, then insist that i keep the setting and "number three". LISTEN when i tell you what each setting is. don't nod, say "ok" and then add "but i want it for a french press on number three".

message in a (frappuccino) bottle

2007-03-04T21:18:00.000-08:00

*happy bloggerversary to me!*
i can't believe a year has passed since i first started posting, but here we are: 200 posts and 270,000 hits! thanks to everyone for making my blogging experience so successful. i appreciate each and every one of you.

- back to our regularly scheduled post -

some of you might have heard some buzz about a leaked memo from howard schultz to bux ceo jim donald.
of course there's been much talk about this in my own store, as well as every other corporate owned store. one of the gratifying things to learn was that howard schultz has many of the same concerns we lowly baristas have. it feels almost satisfying to know that even his eye (all the way in seattle) is capable of recognizing key issues the rest of us at store level have been dealing with for months (years, for some).

do i think this (now very public) memo will change things for the better at bux?
dare i hope that howard will do away with excess syrups and powders?
will we finally be permitted to pack up that monstrous convection oven and send it back to whatever cruel animal sent it our way?

yeah, right.
a big fat NO to all those questions.

i'm not afraid to say bux now feels like an entirely different company from the one that hired me. when i was a newbie we never had understaffing issues, we had plenty of room for all our product, and we never felt like we were heading away from 'cafe' and speeding towards 'donut shop'. now we have more drinks, more pastries, and more ways for customers to customize beverages to their hearts' content. we offer so many more choices and are pressured to complete the orders in record time (long gone are the days of timing a perfect shot).

and even though howard schultz knows that his operational decisions have created their own unique set of challenges, it does not mean he will be able to fix them.

why?
because bux caters to a different type of customer now. and these customers will not accept service delays or minimal beverage choices. they prefer quantity over quality - and they are willing to pay for it. so even if bux did everything in their power to woo back their original customer base, they wouldn't be nearly as profitable as they are now. and we all can bet our little tushies that "profit" will beat out "nostalgia" when it comes to our favorite corporate coffee slinger.

but i know that as a barista i am also reaping the rewards of profitability. medical benefits, stock options, discounted stock purchases, 401k, high pay raises and the opportunity to advance are only possible because i work for a company that rakes in the dough. sure, i may think fondly of my early days at bux - i might even occasionally be envious of the hipster barista at my local independent coffee house - until i think of all the things i'd have to give up to work there. that's when i remember i have nothing to be envious of.

so, i'd like to pose a question to you all:
would you be willing to give up efficiency and speed for 'the warm feeling of a neighborhood store'?

barista rant: don't ask us to put a mug on hold for you, neglect to purchase it every time you come in the store, then expect us to give you a super discount when you decide to buy it three weeks later. and don't ask us to put it on hold (again!) until it gets marked down.

ickity split

2007-03-01T15:00:00.000-08:00

we have a new addition to our little bux family: split-personality assistant manager.
it seems our business has steadily increased since fall, so now we are being ‘blessed’ with an additional manager at the store, which means forty less hours for those of us that are part time.
some of us are pretty lucky – in fact my usually scheduled hours weren’t affected, but we have a few partners that are now getting 7-10 less hours a week than they usually get. the two raising the biggest fuss about it are bitter old man and the newbie-formerly-known-as-amorous (are you really surprised?).

actually BOD is always raising a stink about his schedule. he feels that since he opened this bux, he’s entitled to work m-f, 6am-1pm. tnfkaa doesn’t have any specific reasoning for her desired schedule, except that she’s selfish and has no problem whining and bitching until she gets things her way. i have a feeling that our manager wanted to knock them both down a peg or two and thought an effective way to do it was by taking away some of their hours.
no matter what the thought process was, BOD is now complaining non-stop about how bux has no loyalty to ‘one of their own’. tkfkaa is trying to pressure newer newbies into giving up their shifts so she can get the extra hours. and caught in the middle of all this is our new split-personality assistant manager.

mr. split has been with bux for almost two years. he worked his way up the food chain and is now a brand-new assistant manager. but because he’s been in this role for barely a week, he’s having a really hard time deciding which hat he wants to wear while at work.

when the talker came in to pick up tips on his day off, mr. split offered him a free drink.
“hey, i’ve been around – i know what the deal is!” mr. split said in reference to going against policy.
but when my barista buddy marked out a cheese danish to eat on his break, mr. split turned into the pastry police.
“hey man, you can’t just be marking out pastries when you’re hungry.” mr. split told him harshly. “that’s money out of my paycheck, now that i’m a manager. every time you mark something out, that goes against the bottom line – and the bottom line is how i get my bonus.”
“but all the am pastries are supposed to be marked out and thrown away already. how does it hurt you if it goes in my belly instead of the trash?” barista buddy asked.
“it doesn’t matter,” mr. split shook his head. “how can i be sure that you’re only marking out pastries that are supposed to be discarded? for all i know you’re marking out thermoses and coffee beans, and that’s money out of my paycheck.”

every single one of his shifts has been like this – with him constantly oscillating between two personas: the cool barista and the hard-line manager.
maybe in time he’ll pick just one, but for now he’s still mr. split.

customer rant: since i’m a barista, i’m very accommodating as a customer. for instance, when you said that you were out of regular drip coffee and i’d have to wait four minutes for a rebrew, i said “no problem”. but when you walked over to the decaf drip, poured me a cup and then tried to pass it off as regular, i had to call you on it. first you tried to deny pouring the decaf, and then you said the signs were mixed up and you really had given me regular. but you know what? if you’d just asked me if i was ok with decaf instead of regular, i would’ve said ‘yes’. but since you lied to me (more than once!) i turned into a pissy customer and asked that you rebrew the decaf as well as the regular “you know, since YOU said the signs were mixed up and all.”

tipper more

2007-02-27T02:21:00.000-08:00

sorry for the lack of new posts.
there has been a nasty virus making its way throughout my district. luckily i escaped its wrath (this time) but my week was spent working overtime to help out my bed-ridden brethren.

apparently it was clear to our customers that we were short-staffed (and working our little green apron tails off) because our tip jars were overflowing!
now, i am NEVER one to complain when a customer leaves us a tip, but i noticed that people seemed overly-generous to us baristas this past week.

big tipper #1 -
a woman came in ten minutes before we closed and asked if we had any chocolate chip cookies left. i informed her that we had already sold out of them for the day and listed off the pastries we had left. the woman decided against buying a snack, but ordered a kids' hot chocolate for her daughter. she paid $1.05 for the beverage and then stuffed two singles into our tip jar. two singles! on a tab that was just over a buck! and we didn't even have the product she initially came in for!

big tipper #2 -
a lady came into my bux with her dog. i promptly, and nicely, told her that the dog couldn't stay in the store, but i would be happy to take her drink and change out to her once her beverage was ready. she handed me her credit card, went back outside with her dog and waited for her drink to be made. just as i told her i would, i brought her the latte, credit card and receipt. i thought that was the end of it, but she was back at our door twenty minutes later, motioning for me to come outside.
"here, this is for you," she smiled and handed me a five dollar bill.
"oh, thank you, but you didn't have to do this!" i told her honestly.
"i know, but you deserve it." she said before she and her dog walked away.
of course i put the fiver in the tip jar to share with my fellow baristas.

big tipper #3 -
one of our regular customers was a few cents short for his venti mocha.
"don't worry about it," my barista buddy told him. "i can cover the rest for you."
barista buddy pulled out the correct change from his pocket and added it to his register so he wouldn't be short at the end of his shift.
"i'll pay you back when i come in later today," regular customer offered, but barista buddy just waved him off.
as promised, regular customer came back a couple hours later and handed some change to barista buddy.
"that's for you," he said before reaching into his pocket. "and this is for everyone because you guys always do such a great job." he pushed a handful of singles into the tip jar.

big tipper #4 -
a woman came in and wanted to purchase thirty ten-dollar gift cards. there was only two of us baristas on the floor, and although time-consuming, we cheerfully went ahead and activated all thirty cards. before she handed us her credit card as payment she asked if she could add on two more cards (meanwhile the line behind her was growing). finally her transaction was complete - but before she left she handed us each a gift card for ten dollars for "our troubles".

let me tell you - NOTHING brightens a barista's crazy work week more than generous tips. and no - this is not any sort of plea or request for people to tip more often. it's just a way for me to express how greatly appreciative we baristas are that people are willing to pad our tip jar.

partner rant: yes, i know you say you're sick. i know working when you're sick is anything but fun or healthy - that's why i was willing to cover your shift for you. but if you really are "soooo sick" that you need me to come in for you, why the hell did you come by the store and hang out for an hour? and if you weren't "soooo sick" then at least do me the courtesy of letting me believe you're home puking your guts out, ok?

"aww, that's racist." - david brent, the office

2007-02-20T18:10:00.000-08:00

today a partner from another store covered a shift at my bux.
i'd never worked with the guy before, but bitter old dude gave me a cryptic warning about him.
"the less you say, the happier you will be," he told me before clocking out for the day.

when the shift-covering partner arrived, he seemed harmless enough. very bubbly, very flamboyant and very chatty. i quickly realized he must be his store's version of 'the talker', but i didn't realize he was also much, much more than that.

"hi brat!" shift-coverer introduced himself to me. "i'm the fatter, gayer augustus gloop!"
i kid you not - this is the first thing he said to me.

our shift together moved along pretty smoothly, even though he had one of the worst cases of verbal diarrhea i've ever seen. but things changed while i was conversing with a regular.
"so brat, they never give you a day off, do they?" mr. regular asked me good-naturedly.
"yeah, they have me slaving away over this hot bar!" i joked back.
mr. regular chatted a little longer with me before he left - that's when the fatter, gayer augustus gloop chastised me.

"i can't believe how insensitive you are," he shook his head at me.
"why, what happened?" i asked, curious as to what i did to offend whomever it was that was offended.
"you just said 'slaving away' while there was an african-american in the lobby!"

i was honestly taken aback.
was the customer really offended by my banter with mr. regular?
"did he say something to you about it?" i asked shift-coverer.
"no."
"did he look upset about it?"
"no."
"so how do you know it bothered him?" i asked.
"i don't think he even heard it - but that doesn't matter because I did. you have to watch what you say because it might offend someone and you have to be sensitive to the people around you - even if you think they aren't listening."

excuse me, but wtf?!?

shift-coverer explained to me that he was a self-appointed goodwill ambassador, spreading his ideology of tolerance and diversity wherever he went.
"i'm gay," he informed me again, "and i have to deal with verbal abuse every day of my life. sometimes it's intentional and other times it's people, like you, that are so programmed to be bigoted they don't even realize they're doing it."
"you're calling me a bigot?" i asked him, pissed that he was so concerned with my language and not his own.
"i'm just saying that you can re-program yourself to use less hate speech."

i had to walk away from him if i was going to stay sane.
later he picked up where he left off, imploring me to "think before i spoke".
"well, i don't agree that the expression 'slaving away' is hate speech."
"i know you don't - and that's the problem." he said smugly - as if i'd just proven his point for him.
"well, don't you think sometimes hate is in the eye of the beholder?"
"so now you're blaming the victim?" he asked, indignant.

thankfully we were pretty busy for the rest of the shift and he didn't have time to pull out his soapbox again. and hopefully i won't have to work with the 'word police' any time in the near future.

barista rant: don't get pissy with me because i didn't drop what i was doing to get you a cup of water. yeah, you're thirsty, but there are five PAYING customers that are waiting for their drinks. you don't get priority because your drink is 'easier'. in fact, i have to leave my station at the bar, grab a cup, walk over to the ice bin, then walk over to the water dispenser just to prepare your precious drink. sorry, but you have to wait until i'm done with the drinks i'm currently waiting before i run all over the store just to please you.

ordering for dummies

2007-02-18T16:33:00.000-08:00

i guess when there's a three-day weekend, some people decide to give their brain cells a rest as well.

yesterday and today there was an insane amount of customers who needed a hard kick in the pants. i've ranted so many times before about customers who approach the register with no clue as to what they want to order after standing in line for five minutes. it's stupid, it's dumb and it wastes time for everyone involved.

- the phone addict
this is the customer who refuses to put the phone down long enough to order - instead opting to make us (and all the customers behind them) wait until their conversation is over. sometimes, in-between sentences they'll whisper something unintelligible to us and then toss their money on the counter, as if "decaf mumble, mumble, mumble" translates into starbonics.

- the first-timer
the newbie customer who waits until we've asked them "what can i get for you today?" to actually LOOK at our menu board. and of course a five-minute explanation of each and every one of our beverages ensues while the line gets longer and longer and longer.

- the should-know-better
this is the customer that has been to bux a million times, knows exactly how the ordering process goes, and STILL hems and haws when we ask them what they want. they giggle and smile and say "gee! i should know what i want by now, huh?" and then re-reads the menu forty times before deciding on their usual. their friggen' USUAL!

- the bottlenecker
at bux we usually have what's called a 'floater' to call down the line so the register partners don't have to take extra time to mark cups. usually it's a very efficient process, although occasionally we'll come across a customer who will demand so much attention, and ask so many questions, that we cannot fulfill our floater duties. meanwhile the register partner has already started to ring up the bottlenecker and cannot help the next customer in line. of course that means everyone behind them has to wait even longer just to order.

and my personal favorite:
- mr./ms. ultra-complex
this is the person that won't tell you what they want to order unless you have out your sharpie and have cup in your hand. problem is - if you don't tell me the size of your damn drink, or whether it's hot or iced, it's USELESS for me to start writing! still mr./ms. ultra-complex will say "you need to write this down" and won't utter another word until i'm perfectly poised with cup and pen in hand. then they proceed to say rather slowly "nonfat.....decaf.....three shots.....no foam.....sugar-free hazelnut....why aren't you writing this down?"
"because i need to know the size and what kind of drink it is first." i inform them.
"i'm telling you!" mr./ms. ultra-complex will huff. "nonfat....decaf....three shots...."
of course the drink ends up being a venti when we've started writing on a grande cup, or they will inform us it's supposed to be iced after watching us write down their order on a hot cup. grrrrrrr!

partner rant: please don't bitch to me about a barista you're having problems with. if it's upsetting you so much, then talk to the manager if you can't work it out with your nemesis. talking to me will fix NOTHING, and it only makes me want to take the side of the person that hates you. seriously.

deja who?

2007-02-14T19:53:00.000-08:00

for the most part, there aren't many surprises when it comes to a bux workday.
i'm sure i could show up half unconscious and still be able to make lattes and frappuccinos - it's the repetitious nature of the business.

even though i can do my job on auto-pilot, i'm still very good about being personable and welcoming to customers. apparently so much so that i forget entire conversations.

for the past couple weeks a girl has been coming in to the store ordering iced venti soy three-pump chai lattes. each time she says, "thanks to you this is my new favorite drink! i'm so glad you suggested it!" which is strange because for the life of me i cannot remember ever having had a conversation with her. in fact, i am not a fan of chai lattes and highly doubt that i ever would tell a customer to order one - but she is insistent that i was the one who recommended it.

and there's the man who seems to remember me from my old bux, yet i cannot place him in my memory at all. he brings up specific events, but i still have no clue as to who he is.
and the high school student who read a tolstoy novel on my suggestion, though i can't remember ever talking about literature with any of our teenaged customers.
and the bux partner from another store who claims to have worked with me my first week on the job, but i swear i've never seen her before.

either i've been breathing in too many fumes from our cleaning products or i'm losing my, uh....um....what was i writing about?

barista rant: i'm sure it seemed like a hilarious joke at the time, but pretending like you're going to use our tips to pay for your drink is not a smart thing to do. especially when we've just recently had our tip jar stolen. please don't get pissy with us when we tell you to put the money back in the jar. don't accuse us of having no sense of humor, or of taking life "too seriously". how about saving the "jokes" for someone who'll find them funny - if they exist.

weekend wrap-up

2007-02-11T23:11:00.000-08:00

things i found extremely annoying this weekend:

- each and every customer that listened to me repeat their order verbatim, only to complain that their drink was supposed to be iced/nonfat/decaf/blended/whipped after the barista had made it.
- the bitch mommy who told her son to "shut the fuck up" when he asked if he could have a hot chocolate.
- the teenagers who kept asking "are these samples?" and couldn't keep their grubby fingers off the cupcakes we have on display for valentine's day (cupcakes which had a large sign that read 'DO NOT TOUCH - FOR DISPLAY ONLY')
- the barista who preceded me on bar and left me with no steamed milk, grande hot lids or whipped cream containers during a rush.
- the lady who kept propping open our front door because her doggy felt lonely outside (the same lady that gave me a stare down when i asked what kind of dog she had - "she's NOT a dog!" she informed me. "she's my baby girl!")
- the woman who left her toddler's poop-filled diaper in the bathroom sink.
- the man who growled at me "don't you understand english?!?" when i asked him to clarify what his drink order was (he wanted a caramel frappuccino but was asking for a 'caramello flurry')
- the partner who spilled mocha in the milk fridge but blamed it on the manager (uh, hello! the manager didn't work this weekend!)
- the jerk who ran off with one of our tip jars.

things that put a smile on my face this weekend:

- finding out kick ass newbie was covering one of the talker's shifts.
- a visit from one of my old bux regulars.
- the customer who brought us a box of krispy kreme donuts.
- the teenagers that picked up after themselves and told us to have a good night when they left the store.
- the woman who thanked me for always making her drinks the correct way.
- being sent home early on a sunday afternoon!

partner rant: why is it so hard to rinse the frappuccino lid after every use? why must you throw it in the sink and leave it there to get covered in milk and frappuccino guts? doesn't it bug you to have to fish out the dirty lid from the bottom of the sink every time you need to make another frappuccino? don't you realize how much time and effort is wasted by not rinsing it right away? do you like making extra work for yourself or do you just expect other partners to clean up after you?

(not) movin' on up

2007-02-08T13:39:00.000-08:00

in my experience bux has generally been good about offering promotions to its partners. most the managers and assistant managers i've worked with have been promoted from within, and honestly i believe bux prefers to promote their partners rather than hiring outside the company.
unfortunately, they pay external management hires several thousand dollars more than internally hired management. and if a particular store manager sucks, then a deserving barista might have to wait several months before they get their deserved promotion. so although there are distinct exceptions to the rule - bux is usually very good about developing their partners for promotion.

now, i bring all this up because i have (again) been approached about moving up within the company. and i'll be honest - i do my little "oh gee, really? wow, that might be fun. too bad my schedule can't handle that right now. try me again in another six months" because my district manager is VERY aggressive about promoting people.
why?
because every time my district manager "develops a partner to the next level" more money shows up on DM's paycheck.
i seriously dislike district managers that push promotions so they can make more money. i've seen it time and again - a partner gets pressured into making the jump and they end up overwhelmed (and underpaid in my opinion), unhappy and eventually quit or step down - and all because the DM wants to pad their paycheck.

i also have no interest in being promoted because i have no interest in moving up.
seriously.
i like my lack of responsibility and my chosen schedule. as soon as i accept a promotion i will have little to no choice on where i'll work, or what hours i'll have to put in. what i love about my job is that IT works around ME.
of course i can't say that to my manager or district manager. and of course i have to play the game and act as if i'm honored they've considered me for a promotion, because if i don't do my little song and dance my hours will magically disappear, or i'll be micromanaged to the point of madness.
i've been told before: "bux doesn't like career baristas".
well, i don't know if bux doesn't like them, but my district manager CERTAINLY doesn't.
and sure, i like the fact that if needed i can get a promotion at bux. i just don't see it happening any time in the future.

partner rant: i didn't steal your friggen' apron! i already let you examine mine to see if your initials were printed anywhere on it! so don't get pissy because someone walked off with yours, because we've already established that "someone" wasn't me! and don't make stupid comments like "well, there's that color-safe bleach that gets ink stains out, so maybe SOMEONE bleached my initials off my apron". yeah, i walked into work, stole your apron, stopped time so that i could go home and bleach out your initials, started time again and then denied i had your apron. grow up and learn to take better care of your belongings.

raise your hand! who likes me?

2007-02-05T01:47:00.000-08:00

there's a barista at my bux who i'm not entirely fond of. we've never had harsh words or anything along those lines - we just have very different styles of dealing with customers, managers and fellow baristas.

now, i RARELY work with this bitter barista, and the times our shifts have overlapped there's been relatively little drama - although she's curt with her fellow baristas, has almost no patience with customers and kisses an insane amount of manager ass. but when she's off the clock she's sweeter than saccharine.

now, i don't go for that "i'm going to be a right turd while we work together but after i punch out we can totally hang" mentality. in my opinion, if you can be polite and respectful when you're having fun, you're capable of being that way while you earn your paycheck. apparently bitter barista feels she isn't paid enough (and customer don't tip enough) for her to have a pleasant attitude. the sad thing is - her bad attitude rubs off on almost everyone around her (customers included).

but here's the crazy thing:
bitter barista wants to win the (non-existent) popularity contest.
so every time a barista says "i love working with you, brat." - bitter barista gets pissed.
each time a customer asks "where've you been, brat? i've missed you" - bitter barista huffs.
and when perky assistant manager says "i'm so excited you're working my shift today, brat!" - bitter barista pouts.

so now bitter barista watches my every move, hoping i'll majorly eff something up. and this weekend she thought she finally hit paydirt.

"brat was on bar today and this woman walked up to her and said 'can i have my lattes now?' and brat gave them to the lady without charging her." bitter barista told our manager (in front of the talker - no less).
"when? you mean this morning?" our manager asked her.
"yeah - she did it right when you were on the floor." bitter barista was hoping i'd get in trouble.
"that lady had already paid for those drinks. " manager told her. "she just wanted to wait until her husband showed up before her drinks were made."

the talker quickly relayed the conversation to me and all i could do was roll my eyes. thankfully it will be another two weeks before i work with bitter barista.
i can hardly wait.

customer rant: i've waited patiently in line. i haven't been pushy or rude. so why the hell did you start to take the order of the lady behind me when it was my turn to order? just because she's a pushy bitch doesn't mean you give her a pass to the front of the line. take care of the customer in front of you first, ok?

wanton whims

2007-02-01T16:01:00.000-08:00

i can't believe with all the hours i work that i've been fortunate to have dealt with mr. whim only twice before yesterday.
in fact, i had a vague recollection about there being a problem with his drink the last time i'd helped him, but it didn't really stick out in my mind. well - after yesterday's experience he will NOT be soon forgotten.

it all started so innocuously: i was on bar, happily making drinks, when i came across mr. whim's grande latte. now, there were no special markings on the cup - just the normal vertical slash in the drink box, so i was quite surprised when he came back three minutes later to tell me there was a problem with his drink.

but wait.
i'm getting a bit ahead of myself.

mr. whim is one of those people who believes - no matter how many people's drinks come before his - that he has the god-given right to stand directly in front of the hand-off counter while he waits for his drink. of course, he plops a newspaper on the counter to read while he waits for his drink (mind you, he doesn't pay for the paper - he just believes he has the right to read it while he waits) making it difficult for other people to pick-up their drinks once they've been called out.
when mr. whim's drink is ready he'll act as if he didn't hear you call it three times and continue to read his paper. when he's done with the comics section he's ready for a bathroom break, and only after he's done relieving his bladder he'll come get his drink.

of course there will ALWAYS be something wrong with his drink.

"there's too much foam on this." mr. whim told me after taking a sip of his latte.
"oh, i'm sorry." i raised my eyebrows in surprise. "it didn't say 'easy foam' on the cup."
"i didn't want 'easy foam' - i wanted the regular amount. you put too much on." he said - all the while flipping through a new section of the paper.
"ok, i can take some of the foam off - "
"forget it. just give me an iced latte instead."

so after i gave him an iced version of his drink, the talker pulled me aside and said "that's mr. whim! he always tells us to remake his drink!".

turns out mr. whim is NEVER happy with his drink. and every time there's a different problem: not hot enough, too hot, not enough foam, tastes weird, feels too light, etc., etc. sometimes he wants us to remake the exact drink the same way we made it in the first place. other times he wants something totally different. next time i see him at the hand-off counter i'll make sure he signs off on every part of the drink making process: "the temperature is 160 - is that ok? i'm about to put the foam on top - let me know how much you want, ok?"

hopefully then i won't have to cater to his whims.

barista rant: please listen to me when i ask you a question! especially when the question is: "do you want this blended like a milkshake, or do you want ice cubes in it?" because it's REALLY annoying when you look at your drink and say "oops! i meant i wanted the blended one!" after you assured me two minutes earlier that you wanted ice cubes in your drink.

put up your dukes!

2007-01-30T13:57:00.000-08:00

nothing gets my morning going like two customers ready to throw down.

apparently someone had a serious case of road rage (parking lot rage, maybe?) and a few honks and rude gestures were not adequate enough methods to let off steam. so when customer A came into my bux, customer B was on her scent.

customer A: "give me a tall soy latte."
barista buddy: "ok, anything else today?"
customer A: "yeah, give me a cheese danish - "
customer B: "you maniac! you almost killed me out there!"
customer A: "lady, i already apologized to you."
barista buddy: "ok, your total is - "
customer B: "i'm going to report you - you maniac! i bet you don't even have a valid license!"
barista buddy: "uh, ma'am. can you settle this outside after she gets her coffee?"
customer B: "oh, just because she's spending money here means she's allowed to drive however she wants? what, is she mrs. starbucks or something?"
barista buddy: "uh, no. we just can't have yelling in here."
customer B: "i was almost killed! you expect me to be calm when i almost died because of her!"
customer A: "oh, you are so over-reacting. you were in my blind spot, that's all. as soon as you honked i quit changing lanes."
customer B: "my two children were in the car with me! you could have killed us all!"
barista brat: "ma'am, i understand you're upset but i can't have you yelling in here."
customer B: "of course i'm upset! i have an infant and a toddler and she almost killed us all!"
customer A: "oh please, if you're so concerned about your kids why did you leave them in the car to come yell at me?"
customer B: "fuck you! you maniac!"

and with that last poetic cry of injustice she stormed out of the store.
not a minute later we heard her revving her engine and peeling out of the parking lot.
"and i'm supposed to be the maniac" customer A laughed before leaving.

partner rant: please don't spend the entire shift whining about the write-up you just received for constantly being late. please don't turn your ten-minute break into a fifteen-minute break because you were on the phone complaining to your boyfriend about said write-up. and please don't ask the rest of us baristas to try and convince the manager that he should "erase" the write-up.

return of the butterfly

2007-01-28T14:08:00.000-08:00

remember butterfly?
well, she's back and more bizarre than ever. apparently she believes she gained some weight over the holidays so instead of her usual 'rainbow water' she's now ordering 'diet water' - which means she wants three pumps of sugar-free vanilla, three pumps of sugar-free hazelnut, three pumps of sugar-free cinnamon dolce and five splendas added to her iced water.
she also believes she needs to burn more calories so she's been rollerblading up and down the sidewalk in front of bux while she sips on her diet water. some customers started to ask us about the homeless child outside and we explain that she's not homeless, she's just very eccentric.
"but she's asking people for spare change." one of our regulars informed us.
so out of the goodness of my perky assistant manager's heart, she went outside to talk with butterfly.

"honey, you really shouldn't be panhandling out here." perky assistant manager had her caring voice on. "it's not safe to talk to random strangers."
"but i'm bored out here by myself." butterfly answered while rollerblading in circles around my assistant manager.
"well, you know you can come sit inside the store while you wait for your mom. i think she'd like that better than you asking people for money."
"but i like asking people for money." was butterfly's answer.
"well, i think it's much safer if you just sit inside the store instead of rollerblading out here."
"can i have a free refill on my diet water - for free?" butterfly asked, ignoring the words of perky assistant manager.
"well...if i give you a free refill will you quit asking strangers for money?"

of course butterfly complied, but now she thinks perky assistant manager is her new best friend. she expects free diet water every time she rollerblades into the store and reminds us all that "the assistant manager said i could have it for free!" - even when perky assistant manager isn't working.

i'm sure it's just a matter of time before butterfly will expect free pastries and sandwiches. i'm also sure she's not quite as daft as she makes herself appear, but in fact she's actually very manipulative.
i wonder how much longer perky assistant manager will put up with butterfly's behaviour.

customer rant: believe it or not, i'm ok with the fact that you've run out of chai tea bags. what i'm NOT ok with is that you neglected to tell me this and instead gave me a cup of earl grey tea with a pump of chai concentrate. when i called you on it you said - "oh, well that's practically the same thing". after i informed that it isn't anywhere near the same and requested a plain earl grey tea instead, you muttered "are you really going to make me open a new tea bag?".
yes.
yes i am.

fight the power

2007-01-24T01:01:00.000-08:00

i didn't realize how much of a treat my store was in for when amorous newbie was transferred to us.

i should probably refer to her by a new name because she has been anything but loving. besides continually bickering with the talker, she's also managed to piss off quite a few customers.
oh.
and yesterday she argued with a cop.

the-newbie-formally-know-as-amorous has quite a short fuse. she's either suffering from chronic pms or she's just an outright bitch. the only time she cracks a smile is when she thinks it will help her get something she wants. like when she wanted me to cover the last half of her shift so that she could get a pedicure. or when a customer mentioned he was a photographer and she wanted him to shoot her headshots for free.
NFKAA also has a bizarre sense of entitlement. she's argued more than once with perky assistant manager about being on register ("i don't feel like talking to customers today") and she's also tried to pawn off her cleaning duties on the other newbies ("you're the low man on the totem pole since you're newer than me so you have to clean the bathroom"). NFKAA believes rules apply to everyone but her - which is why she argued with the cop.

i guess NFKAA was sick of having to leave her car at the employee section of the parking lot and decided she was deserving of a better space. well, since all the spots directly in front of bux where already occupied she parked in the closest space she could find - ignoring the painting of a stick figure in a wheelchair.

not ten minutes into her shift and a cop came into our store.
"anyone here own that white civic in the parking lot?" the cop asked the customers in the lobby.
"oh, it's mine." NFKAA smiled at the cop. "i'm gonna move it when a better space opens up."
"you need to move it now. you can't park in the disabled spot unless you have a placard." the cop told her sternly. i was disappointed that he wasn't writing up a ticket for her.
"it's not like anyone ever uses that spot," she said flippantly. "i'll move it in a few minutes."
"no, you're going to move it now or you're going to get a ticket."

we thought that was the end of it until we saw NFKAA still arguing with the cop outside after she'd moved her car.
how much you want to bet she'll park in the disabled spot again?

barista rant: if you can't be bothered to quit talking into your cell phone when ordering your latte, i can't be bothered to call it out repeatedly while you're still gabbing. i won't remake it either when you complain that it's not hot enough - since you waited until your call was over to pick it up. maybe you should stick to one task at a time.

all about the benjamins

2007-01-21T22:34:00.000-08:00

i had a bit of a revelation this weekend.

it all began yesterday morning. kick ass newbie (i'm really going to have to find a new name for her because she is way too good to be called 'newbie') was on register while i was rebrewing coffee, stocking cups and filling the pastry case. everything was going smoothly until i heard a customer scream out "this is FUCKING ridiculous!"
"i'm sorry ma'am but - " kick ass newbie was doing her best to keep the customer calm but the lady interrupted her with more screaming.
"don't give me this bullshit!"
"i'm sorry, but - "
"oh just SHUT UP! where's the damn manager?" bitch lady screamed again.

now it is never acceptable to yell at a barista in this manner. especially when the barista is only doing her job.

"is there something i can help you with?" i asked, knowing i could better handle the wrath of bitch lady.
"she won't give me change for this!" bitch lady held up a 100 dollar bill.
"i'm sorry but we can't give change for bills that large." i told her honestly.
"this is BULLSHIT!" she yelled again. "are you telling me that in this whole store there isn't change for a 100?"
"we don't have enough money in our tills to give you change." i told her calmly. "but i think the store next door might be able to change that out for you."
"well i'm not FUCKING next door, am i?" she was still holding up the bill, as if her profanity would instantly make me change my mind.
"i'm sorry but we can't give you change for that." i said in a very nice tone.
"i don't accept your damn apology!" she screamed at me as i walked away from her.
"well, i tried my best!" i smiled.
"your best isn't fucking good enough!" she yelled as she huffed her way out the door.

two customers who'd been waiting in line tipped us extra for having to put up with bitch lady and complimented me for the way i handled her. kick ass newbie thanked me for intervening and when perky assistant manager heard about the incident she said "damn brat! you're way the hell nicer than i would've been!"

which is where my little revelation came in.

i was nice yesterday. nicer than i would've been six months ago, and i realize the reason bitch lady customers don't set me off like they used to is because of this blog and because of those of you who read it.
it's true, since i now have an outlet for my frustrations at bux, i'm a much calmer barista. when i read your comments telling me that you're better customers because of my rants it inspires me to be a better barista.

so, thank you.
because without this blog and without you readers i probably would've decked her one.

barista rant: don't get pissed at me because you didn't get away with your scam. yeah, i know you want cash for the cd you've just handed me (and most likely stole from another bux) but that doesn't mean i'm going to ignore policy. if fact i don't know of ANY business that gives cash on returns without a receipt. telling me that "the other bux" gave you cash on your return won't convince me, either.

paying for pleasure

2007-01-19T00:40:00.000-08:00

at least once a week a customer asks me "why doesn't starbucks have those 'buy ten drinks get the eleventh for free' cards?" and the simple answer is "because they don't have to."

and it's true.
starbucks doesn't hand out the eleventh drink for free because they know people are more than willing to pay for it. the whole point behind these sort of coupons is to encourage repeat business, not to reward a loyal customer.
heartbreaking, isn't it?

some of you may recall the coupons we handed out last year for free iced tall drinks. that was around the same time our stock was decreasing in value. during the summer we had a spike in frappuccino sales - but as i've ranted about before, frappuccinos are labor intensive. so much so that it was making a noticeable difference in our usual profits. to combat this corporate decided to have us baristas hand out coupons to encourage customers to order iced espresso drinks rather than ice blended drinks.

did the plan work?
well, not at the bux i worked at. people still ordered their frappuccinos but added an extra drink on the side.

i'm guessing it will be a long while before starbucks hands out the free drinks again.

customer rant: i appreciate the fact that you wipe the excess whipped cream off the cups before you hand them out. honestly, i do. but licking your fingers clean afterward is going too far. next time use a paper towel - or better yet: be a neater barista.

different bux - still sux

2007-01-16T19:41:00.000-08:00

today i covered a shift at a different bux.
now, i usually try to avoid working at other stores because a) i hate being in someone else's "kitchen" b) i hate having customers look me up and down, saying "oh, you must be new" and c) nine times out of ten i will be scheduled with their resident pariah.
how lucky that i experienced "a", "b" and "c" today!

because the store has a completely different layout from my own, i stayed on bar. that, of course, brought on it's own series of problems. regulars who were shocked/appalled at seeing a not-so familiar face would quiz me on drink recipes as i handed them their drinks.
"here's your grande nonfat caramel macchiato. thank you!"
"this is my caramel macchiato?" they would ask, pretending i didn't JUST call out their drink to them. "did you make sure to put nonfat milk in it?"
"yes, that's your nonfat caramel macchiato." i would repeat.
"and it has two shots of espresso in it?"
"yes, grande caramel macchiatos come with two shots."
"and you put the caramel drizzle on top?"
"yes, i put the caramel drizzle on top."
"and cinnamon powder?"
"uh, that drink doesn't get cinnamon powder." i tried my best not to sound snippy.
"yeah, i know. i was just testing you."

but the worst part of my shift was working with ms. over-explainer.
now, i thought i had it bad with the talker, but i now realize this store has it waaaaay worse.
"do you know how to work the espresso bar?" she asked me after i'd ALREADY been making drinks for an hour. "because some people don't really know. here - let me show you. this button you push for one shot of espresso. this button you push for two shots - "
"i know how to work bar." i told her and went to rinse a milk pitcher.
"oh, that's good that you rinse the pitchers because most people don't do that. i've told them over and over again that you have to rinse the pitchers but they don't. every single day there are people who don't rinse the pitchers and i tell the manager, but she doesn't really do anything about it."
at that point i just walked away from her and started making drinks again.
"you better make sure you fill the beans!" she pointed to the hopper that was still three-fourths filled. "because if you don't keep them filled you'll get a message on the bar that tells you to fill it and you won't be able to pull any shots until you fill it with beans. and then you won't be able to make drinks because you can't pull shots because there are no beans. so make sure you keep that hopper filled, ok? because if you don't you can't pull shots."

of course she didn't just over-explain bar procedure. she over-explained how to wash your hands, how to empty the trash, how to put pastries in bags, how to sweep, how to hand change back to customers and how to punch out for lunch.
i'm giving myself brownie points for not telling her to shut her trap. and i'm also making a pledge to never work at that bux again.

partner rant: it is not ok - at ANY time - to take someone's jacket without their permission and wear it while you smoke a cigarette outside. it doesn't matter that it's cold. it doesn't matter that you forgot to bring your own jacket. it doesn't matter that the other barista didn't rip you a new one when you pulled this stunt with her. don't. do. it. EVER!

mocha mudslides

2007-01-15T02:39:00.000-08:00

i received a MUG award tonight - and it was well deserved!

actually the closing shift started off great. for a change the mid-day crew had turned over a great shift and it looked like it would be smooth sailing for the night.
but then murphy's law was in full effect and we had to spend the last two hours playing catch up.

it all started when my fellow barista brat decided to be nice and make an extra bar mocha for the morning crew. since the mocha is mixed with hot water we set it aside for about an hour before we store it in the refrigerator (the mocha doesn't thicken until it's been cooling for a few hours). so, as my fellow brat was placing the newly mixed mocha on the counter, she lost her grip on the container and ended up coating the counter, cabinets and floor with chocolate. instead of freaking out she said "it's a good thing it wasn't milk or i'd be crying" and laughed. we spent the next twenty minutes wiping the area clean and re-mopping the floor.

then our barista buddy tripped in the backroom and sprained his ankle. after filling out an incident report form he hobbled home - leaving just two of us to finish closing the store. we were still good on time so i made another mocha for the morning crew. but fellow barista brat had a major case of the clumsies and knocked the passion iced tea container into the ice bin - which meant we had to empty out the ice, clean the bin, and then fill it up again.

as i was putting the last bit of ice in the bin a regular informed fellow brat that the toilet was overflowing in the bathroom. apparently some customer decided to use ten toilet seat covers at once. i managed to fix the toilet and mop the floor in record time. when it came time to lock the door we figured we were safe from anymore problems - that is until fellow brat put the mocha in the refrigerator. like i said before - she had a case of the clumsies and ended up spilling the mocha all over the inside of the fridge. my only reaction was to laugh. we ended up finishing our shift without any other incidents, and my fellow brat gave me a MUG award for my mopping skills.

thank goodness our customers were well behaved because i'm sure i would have done bodily harm to the first person who got lippy.

barista rant: don't ask me to give you a discount on our valentine's day merchandise - especially when january is only halfway over. don't complain that our mugs are overpriced, or that the chocolate isn't as good as see's chocolate. no one is forcing you to buy our merchandise and no matter how much you whine i will NOT reduce the price.

crazy is as crazy does

2007-01-11T13:11:00.000-08:00

there are a few kinds of crazy when it comes to customers.

there's the certifiably insane: people who really do have mental problems but have enough social skills to order a cup of coffee.
there's the manic crazies: people that are happy, but are clearly existing on their own planet.
and of course there's the wtf?!? crazies (unfortunately the most common crazy affliction we see at bux).

wtf crazies are the most dangerous sort. they are ticking time bombs and anything can set them off. so far this week there's been an epidemic of wtf craziness and of course we baristas have been on the receiving end of undeserved insults.

wtf crazy person #1
- while i was at bar some middle-aged lady walked up to the serving counter and spat out "SOME of us have real jobs we have to get to!".
"i'm sorry, were you waiting for another drink?" i asked when i noticed she was already holding a starbucks cup in her hand.
"HELLO! i've been waiting for over ten minutes!" she lied.
"well, i don't have any drinks left to be made. what did you order?"
"i ordered a caramel!" she practically shrieked. "and i've been waiting fifteen minutes for it!" yet another lie.
"a caramel what?" i asked. "a caramel frappuccino or a caramel macchiato?"
"a caramel drink!" she shrieked again.
"we have more than one caramel drink." i pointed to the menu.
before she could could yell out "caramel" again, the register partner walked over to the bar and said "ma'am, you ordered a tall drip with caramel syrup."
"yes, i know!" she was fuming. "so where the hell is it?"
"uh, it's in your hand."
that's right, this lady was holding her drink the whole damn time. so did she apologize for being such a bitch? of course not! instead she growled, "i'm NEVER coming her ever again! this is the worst starbucks i've ever been to!" as she stomped out of the store.

wtf crazy person #2
- a woman came into bux with her baby strapped to her chest (i have no idea what those sari looking baby thingies are called) and ordered a passion iced tea. after picking up the tea she went into the bathroom, only to emerge five minutes later with a bright pink stain down the front of her baby strap.
"you guys are lucky this wasn't hot tea." she shook her finger at us. "i would sue all your asses off if this was hot tea!"
we offered to give her towels to help clean herself, as well as give her another tea.
"i don't want another tea! i want you to pay my cleaning bill." she pushed the clean towels back at us. "this is 100% silk!" she pointed to the baby strap thingie. "this was going to be a family heirloom but you've ruined it!"
and then she started crying.
and after she cried she blamed our uptight society for not allowing her to breastfeed in public (which i guess is why she ended up spilling her tea all over herself in the bathroom?) and then she started complaining that her back hurt from the baby strap thingie.

my fellow barista brat figured the lady must be suffering from postpartum depression, but i think she just had a case of the wtf's.

wtf crazy person #3
- high school student asks me "can you make a frappuccino that doesn't taste like a frappuccino?"
"i don't understand, do you not want it to taste like coffee because we have non-coffee frappuccinos."
"i just don't want it to taste like a frappuccino."
"what do you want it to taste like?"
"you know - good, just not frappuccino tasting." she informed me with a straight face.
when i then told her that it was impossible to make a frappuccino NOT taste like a frappuccino, she then asked for a hot chocolate that didn't taste like a hot chocolate. and when i told her that was impossible as well she whined and demanded to know why i was "making her life a living hell".
WTF?!?

barista rant: it is never, NEVER ok to help yourself to our tip jar. not even if you spotted the only state quarter missing from your collection - it will never be permissible to take the tip jar to your table to sift through it. and if you try it again i can't guarantee you'll make it out of the store unscathed.

whine and "geez!"

2007-01-08T01:51:00.000-08:00

i've tried three times to write a post that didn't sound 100% negative and bitchy, but it's impossible. so instead i'll write up a wish list.

barista brat's (futile) wishes:
- i wish that my newly promoted manager would learn how to do the damn schedule so that we don't have to take our lunch breaks half an hour after we start our shifts.
- i wish the opening baristas would quit bitching about how busy their morning is when they have four more people on the floor than the closers and STILL can't manage to do their assigned tasks.
- i wish my district manager would take the time to learn the baristas' names rather than call out "hey, you over there".
- i wish bux would remember that it is impossible for one person to clean a drain, make a drink, and take out the trash all at the same time.
- i wish my fellow baristas weren't so damn messy when they're at bar.
- i wish i wouldn't have to stay an hour past my scheduled closing because i've spent my entire shift playing catch up (thanks for nothing, morning crew!).
- i wish our ceo would remember that we are a coffee shop and not a deli, bakery or sandwich shop.
- i wish customers would learn how to flush the toilet.
- i wish hear music would put out a decent cd more than once a year.
- i wish my bux stock would quit dropping.
- i wish bitter old dude would quit complaining that no one deserves a vacation more than he does.
- i wish the talker would transfer.
- i wish the mid shift crew would remember to stock, prep and clean.
- i wish my perky assistant manager would complete a task before starting three more.
- i wish my newly promoted manager would quit calling me on my days off to see if i can help out other stores in our district.
- i wish the best manager in the world was still my manager.
- wish i didn't have to have a wish list.

and one final wish:
- i wish my barista buddy didn't put in his two weeks notice tonight, although i can't blame him.
he's a closer and has finally had his fill of doing his work and then some. so he wrote up a "dear john" letter for the manager and now i can look forward to training another newbie.

see? i told you - negative and bitchy.

partner rant: i appreciate the fact that you're into healing the environment, but please be considerate to your fellow man and bathe a little more often. or at least invest in a good deodorant.

dumb and dumber

2007-01-04T10:31:00.000-08:00

remember that overly amorous newbie who was being transferred to my bux because of her bizarre love triangle?
well, i was sure she and bitter old dude would be at each other's throats in seconds because bitter old dude is the resident drama queen and would rather die than share his crown, but imagine my surprise when amorous newbie first made enemies with...the talker!
seems they both suffer from that fatal disease: last word-itis (it's fatal because the rest of the baristas are going to kill them if they keep at it).

time has only increased the talker's delusions of popularity. he doesn't just follow baristas around and talk their heads off - now he's performing for us. he takes every chance to dazzle us with his biting (translation: dumb) wit and keen (translation: full of himself) perspective.
i was taking a ten in the backroom when he was restocking cups. now, most people come in the backroom, grab whatever sleeve of cups they need, and are back out on the floor in a matter of seconds. but not the talker.
"which one do i need - oh there are the grande cups! you little devils thought you were hiding from me didn't you? you can't hide from me! i'll hunt you down until i find every last one of you! wait, you're not a sleeve of grande cups! what's a sleeve of tall cups doing in the grande cup box? brat! this is so weird! i was stocking grande cups and there's a sleeve of tall cups hiding in the box!"

and that's the abridged version.

it's also why the rest of us don't try and get the last word in with the talker: because it would only invite another twenty pages of dialogue from him.
amorous newbie, on the other hand, can't live unless the last statement of a conversation comes from her lips, which the talker takes as a request for him to talk some more. so she hits him with another crude last word and he responds with a bitchy oratory.
believe me, it's a vicious cycle.

it's gotten so bad that newly promoted manager has threatened to send one or both of them home with write-ups.

so now their conversations sound like this:
the talker: "i'm not getting sent home because of you - i need all my hours."
amorous newbie: "what, like i don't need mine?"
the talker: "well, it's because of you that the manager has threatened to send us home."
amorous newbie: "yeah - like you're some innocent bystander."
the talker: "all i'm saying is i never had this problem before you were transferred here."
amorous newbie: "how i wish that was all you were saying. dude! you never shut your mouth."
the talker: "me? what about you? you talk more than anyone i've ever met."
amorous newbie: "well you should stand in front of a mirror and get self-acquainted."
the talker: "what? you don't even make sense!"
amorous newbie: "just because you don't get it doesn't mean i don't make sense."
the talker: "whatever. just quit talking to me. i don't want to get sent home because of you."
amorous newbie: "what, like i want to get sent home?"
and on, and on, and on....

barista rant: don't ask me to put "just a touch" of cinnamon powder in your latte, and then complain that i didn't add enough. first off - there's cinnamon powder at the condiment bar, so you should be the one adding it to your drink. second - what the hell do you think "just a touch" means? because when you twisted the top off the cinnamon powder container and dumped about an inch into your drink, i would suggest that is far more than "just a touch".

happy new year!

2007-01-01T10:40:00.000-08:00

it's a new year but i have to post this old story (i CAN'T believe i never got around to it in 2006).

at my old bux there was a female customer we called "issues" - because she definitely had them, but also because she brought in four or five tabloid magazines to read while she hung out at our store. "issues" was clearly anorexic and had very odd habits when it came to her coffee.
she always ordered a tall cappuccino in a venti cup with whipped cream to the top (and no lid). then she would grab about ten equal packets and place them in a circle around her cup. starting with the packet closest to her, she would sprinkle the sugar substitute on top of the whipped cream and then use a wooden stirrer stick to spoon feed herself. one by one she would sprinkle the equal on the whipped cream and then slowly eat the topping.
never ONCE did she drink what was left in the cup. instead she left it on the table for us to throw away, as well as her old magazines and used equal packets.

"issues" was also very chatty and would talk our ears off about how hard it was to take care of her sick husband.
"oh brat, you have no idea how boring it is to visit him in the hospital!" she would complain.
my fellow baristas and i would cringe when she'd bitch about how his cancer was crimping her social life. one day she came in and said "now i have to cancel my vacation because the doctors gave my husband only a month to live."
well, her husband was a trooper because he held on for about three months. another barista was the one to tell me that "issues'" husband had passed on, so the next time i saw her i gave her my condolences.
"i know, i'm so upset," she sighed. "i haven't been on the market for ten years. i can't believe i'm going to have to do the whole dating thing again! i'm so not ready for that."

yeah. issues.

barista rant: i understand you wanted your coffee bright and early on new year's day, but we can't change our holiday hours just to accommodate you. even if you do have a long drive and promise to tip us a buck. throwing a hissy and telling us you're a shareholder won't change a thing, either. if you're really so desperate for caffeine at 5 am there's always 7-11.

cutting those apron strings

2006-12-28T15:52:00.000-08:00

do you remember my rants about the newbie who, although a genuinely nice guy, couldn't remember how to mark cups, make drinks, or anything else necessary for a barista to remember?

well, he's back. and with a vengeance.
ok, that's not exactly true.
rephrase: his MOTHER is back with a vengeance.

a week before christmas this newbie informed my newly promoted manager that he wouldn't be able to work the shifts he'd been scheduled for because he was going out of town. now, policy hadn't changed between the time he was hired and when he had this talk with my manager. since he hadn't requested the time off in advance, it was now up to him to find coverage for his shifts. reluctantly he spent ten minutes on the phone leaving messages for our fellow baristas asking them to work the week before christmas.

so, instead of trying to call partners at other stores he decides to call - wait for it..... his MOTHER.
yes, newbie called his mommie. was it to vent his frustration? was it to inform her that he'd be late for dinner? no, he called so that she could inform my manager that her precious son had more pressing things to do rather than call around for coverage.
seriously.
he called his mother, filled her in on the situation, and then told my manager that someone wanted to talk to him about the schedule.

thank god we found coverage for his shifts since we were already understaffed. but here comes the best part: his mother called our manager this morning. why? because newbie now needs new year's eve off! AND he's too busy to call around for coverage!
my manager tried to sweet talk me into working a double shift ("think of the overtime, brat!") but i happily declined.

this newbie and his mother took me back to a time at my old bux where (yet another) newbie had her mother call in for her.
see, this newbie was scheduled to open, but never made it to the store. the opening manager called newbie's house and left a message - concerned that something bad might have happened. twenty minutes later there's a phone call.

"hi, this is newbie's mother." said the caller.
"is newbie ok?" the opening manager asked.
"well, she didn't get much sleep last night so i turned her alarm off."
"you know she was scheduled to open this morning, right?"
"yes, but i don't want her going to work that early. so i'm calling to tell you she quits and won't be coming in again."

that's right.
newbie's mother mother called in and gave the manager -20 minutes notice.
so long as her daughter got a full night's rest.....

customer rant: i know you're probably frustrated because you have a line out the door, but yelling out "i hate my fucking job!" isn't the best way to get sympathy tips. and really - if you hate it so much, then LEAVE! no one's holding you hostage.

boxing (with customers) day

2006-12-26T17:56:00.000-08:00

the only thing worse than activating a billion gift cards right before christmas is having every customer use them to purchase coffee the day after.

the cards are supposed to make the process easier for both the customer and the register partner, but often times the transaction takes longer. throughout the day our system will go offline which forces us to redial over and over, or the computers will show their age and take forever to process the cards.
but let's not forget the human component: those customers who have no idea how much is on their card will hold up the line while they look for spare change to cover the cost of their drink, as well as the customers who try and spend the entire amount of their card in one sitting and will add random items one after the other until the card is empty.

and of course there are the customers who demand we give them cash value for their unwanted gift cards. somehow they think that if they give us a big enough sob story, we'll break down and hand over the cash.

so not going to happen.

today i heard everything from "my car needs a new engine" to "i need money to get into rehab". but my personal favorite was this one: "i really need the cash - this isn't even my card. i stole it from my uncle".
a couple of customers even tried to toss their cards in our tip jar and take out the cash equivalent though, of course, none were successful.
it was nice, however, to hear customers lament that there was no way to tip us with their cards - and even nicer when they dug through their wallets to toss a dollar into our tip jar.

barista rant: yes, i know christmas is over. yes, i realize we still have a ton of christmas merchandise. yes, i know that even though it is all marked down there is still an abundance, but that doesn't mean you can demand i give you an extra 50% off. and trust me, phrases like "well, you should just give it to me for free since it's the day after christmas!" will only make me want to raise the price.

*barista rave*: thank you all for your comments to the last post! it was my favorite christmas gift by far.

barista brat is coming to town

2006-12-24T21:34:00.000-08:00

no rants today.
instead i submit my naughty and nice lists.

NAUGHTY
- my newly promoted manager for royally screwing up the holiday weekend schedule.
- the woman who stole our cinnamon shaker from the condiment bar.
- the partner who did the world's worst job cleaning the frappuccino section, so that it took me twice as long to clean it tonight.
- corporate for sending us waaaaaay too much merchandise.
- the customer who asked me to call all the bux in a "ten-mile radius" to look for a particular mug, then demanded her coffee be free because my store no longer had the mug in stock.
- the talker, who spent most of his shift yesterday talking about what his family does for christmas rather than doing his work.
- all the customers who are "re-gifting" their gift cards (making us split up a gift card that was given to them into multiple gift cards for other people).
- my district manager who gave us all the stinkeye while we were working our understaffed butts off.
- the customer who felt he deserved a fifty percent discount because it was "christmas eve eve".
- barista brat, because when i ran out of regular frappuccino base i decided to give everyone decaf instead.

NICE
- the customer who brought in cupcakes for us baristas.
- the newbie who gave 200% every shift she was on this week.
- the woman who handed out lottery tickets as stocking stuffers.
- our regular customers who kept smiles on their faces even though the line was out the door and we were a person short.
- my fellow barista brat's fiance who brought us pizza and soda.
- the two baristas who closed with me and helped make tonight's close so much fun.
- the readers of this blog!

if you feel like giving this barista brat a christmas gift, it would be great if you could drop by the comments box and tell me where you hail from.

merry christmas and happy holidays!

six holiday tales

2006-12-20T15:17:00.001-08:00

thank goodness for a relaxing day off because i will not have another one until christmas day.

more tales from this past weekend:

- a customer brought in his travel mug and asked us to rinse it out before filling it with coffee. when my fellow barista brat peeked inside the mug her stomach turned. stuck to the bottom of the mug was a dead cockroach. a friggen' COCKROACH! i don't know what grosses me out more: that the roach was in his cup or that he was still willing to drink from it when the barista pointed it out to him.

- a woman was shopping for gift packs but refused our offers to hold the merchandise for her at the front counter. instead she was content to carry it all herself, adding more mugs and pounds of coffee to the mix. so, while she was was examining the ceramic mugs and matching saucers, she lost her grip on the merchandise and it all came crashing down, knocking over the display of ceramic mugs and saucers. in the end three sets were broken. did she apologize? no, she blamed us for not better securing the display.

- a regular customer who is known to be a complainer handed out ten dollar bills to all the baristas. he even gave us a big smile as he wished us "happy hanukkah - or christmas - or whatever it is you celebrate".

- a man admitted he'd made a mess in the bathroom and asked us for a toilet brush because he didn't feel right making us clean it up.

- a customer held up the line while buying fifteen gift cards. he ended up adding on four more cards (each for five dollars) to give to the four customers that had to wait in line behind him.

i'm mentally preparing myself for the craziness of the next few days. i have to close christmas eve but i'm working with a great crew so hopefully it will be happy and not horrendous.

partner rant: i'm busy at bar, so quit trying to talk to me! you see i have a line of ten drinks - and it's true i kicked you off of double barring with me because you actually slow me down. but that wasn't an invitation to hover around me and talk about what you hope your parents will get you for christmas! earn your paycheck and do something useful!

same school, different attitude

2006-12-18T13:02:00.000-08:00

i'm taking a well-deserved day off after a crazy weekend at bux.

on friday two local high schools had their last day of class before winter break, so they decided to inaugurate their freedom by running wild in bux. it was COLD outside but that didn't stop them from ordering their frappuccinos with extra syrup, extra caramel, and extra annoyance.

three of the teenagers are regular fixtures at our bux. they are always a little too loud and squeal a little too often, but for the most part the aren't much trouble. apparently they've rubbed some of their fellow students the wrong way because these girls have become targets.

well, at least their drinks are.

my bux was not designed to be a high volume store, so the area at the hand-off counter gets very crowded when there is more than two people waiting for their drinks. usually people have to wait a bit before they can even come get their drinks because the store gets so crowded. it seems a couple of teenagers have used this to their advantage and have taken drinks from the counter before the rightful owners can come claim them.

frappuccino bandits, we call them.

well, for the second time this month our three regular teenaged customers have been victims of the frappuccino bandits. since it was their last day of class, and since they are the least annoying of our teenaged "guests", i gave them each one of the morning pastries that had to be marked out. the girls were so thrilled they showered me with a chorus of "awwww, you're sooooooo nice!".

to my (and the other baristas') surprise, the girls took turns and stuffed money in our tip jar. they ended up tipping us a total of fourteen dollars.
fourteen dollars!
just because we made an attempt to make them feel better after the frappucccino bandits raided them. i tell you, that extra cash helped make them seem a lot less annoying.

barista rant: yes, it's the holiday season. yes, i know you want to purchase several gift cards. yes, i know you've received a few gift cards of your own as well. but did you know there was a solid line of people behind you? it was bad enough you wanted me to check the balance on all the cards you'd received. but then you wanted me to consolidate all your cards into one. and THEN you wanted me to take that card and use it to pay for the 20 gift cards you now wanted to purchase. are you kidding me?!? next time i'll just say the network is down and i can't do anything with gift cards.

many happy returns

2006-12-14T12:41:00.000-08:00

'tis the season to turn new tricks!

i'm lucky to be in a small store where our retail shelves are directly across from the registers. that means it's harder for people to steal mugs, cups and french presses they will try and return for cash at other stores. that doesn't mean they don't make an attempt, though.

last night i noticed a guy pacing back and forth in front of my bux. he kept peeking his head through the door but never actually decided to come inside. it wasn't until we had a rush that i noticed him at the back of the line. when he made it to the register he handed me two travel mugs.

"i got these yesterday but now i don't want them." he informed me. "i left my receipt at home but i paid cash."

now usually at this point i have to go through the motions of telling the customer what our return policy is, yadda, yadda, yadda - but since i'd seen him checking out our store for twenty minutes (minus the two travel mugs, mind you) i knew he'd waited until there were people in the store so he wouldn't be so conspicuous when he grabbed the mugs. since i knew what the game was, and since there was still a long line behind him, all i did was point to our security camera. apparently that was enough because he walked right out of the store, leaving the two travel mugs on the counter.

then there was the lady who really wanted a cup off coffee, but REALLY didn't want to pay for it. she started off by trying to chat me up - telling me about her troubles (her mother is terminally ill), about her business (she sells houses), about her kid (he hates math) and about her boyfriend (he shut off her cell service because they had an argument). when i wasn't completely won over by her charming repartee she switched tactics and gave me the full run-down of her last horrible experience at bux (the barista was rude, the coffee was cold and she was overcharged).

"dollar fifty-five, please" was my response after listening to her drone on and on.
"oh!" she seemed almost surprised that i'd asked her for money. "well, i know i have a gift card here somewhere." she said as she started digging through her gigantic bag.

first she pulled out her planner to show me how busy she is. then she pulled out her business card holder to show me how many contacts she has. next came a ziploc baggie containing costume jewelry, which she then modeled and offered to sell to me. finally she located her wallet and pulled out the gift card, but then she started talking about the jewelry and put the gift card BACK into her wallet which she put BACK into her bag!

"i could give you a really good deal on these rings," she smiled at me.
i smiled right back and repeated, "dollar fifty-five".
"it's somewhere in my bag," she began digging again.
"it's in your wallet behind your discover card," i said flatly, ready to pull it out for her.

she finally handed over the card, but of course there less than a dollar balance. when i asked her if she had any cash she gave me a repeat performance of "the amazing endless bag search".

my perky assistant manager ended up giving me a mug award for my tireless patience.

barista rant: do not pick up the toys in the donated gift basket, hand them to me and ask if i have any more left in the back. bux is not a toy store. we have never sold super-soakers or leggos. when i explained that the basket in front of you is for DONATIONS, you pursed your lips and bitched that there should be some sort of sign. so of course i pointed to the sign, to which your only response was "give me the directions to the nearest toy shop".
lump of coal for you, woman!

enemy mine

2006-12-12T00:31:00.000-08:00

after several months of a peaceful truce, there is now hatred where there was once love. menacing glares which were once kind eyes and stinging vitriol when there was once glowing praise.

have the baristas finally rallied against the managers?
have the buddies turned sour toward the brats?
have the newbies resorted to brandishing the pointy ends of thermometers as protection against the old-schoolers?

no.
no.
and no.

history is repeating itself and now there is a full-fledged war between the openers and the closers with both sides bitching that the other doesn't do their required duties.

now i admit that i'm a little biased. i close once or twice a week and i know how much work the closers put into making sure the store is broken down, cleaned and stocked. closers have all the responsibilities of the day crew (serving customers and prepping) AND then some.

so when the openers don't do their set duties, it piles on the work for the closers and they have to stay past their scheduled shifts to complete their tasks (i've gone into overtime too often because the day crew has turned over crappy shifts). if the day has been particularly rough, then the closers might forget to fill the ice bin or empty the sanitizer. these, according to the openers, are cardinal sins. the openers will be so offended that they will spend the day complaining and will
'run out of time' to do their duties, which in turn adds more work for the closers. which of course means they will have to stay later and probably miss another closing duty, like stocking pounds of coffee or filling the sugar containers.

see? it's a vicious circle that polarizes the two sides until management intervention is required. my store is about two weeks away from one-on-one meetings with the manager and threats to be written up.

have a holly jolly christmas, indeed.

customer rant: not only is it against health code to resteam milk over and over - it's downright disgusting! when i saw you checking milk temperatures, then resteaming milk that had cooled down - i convinced my friend to stick with drip coffee instead of getting a latte. but with your standards the coffee was probably two hours old as well.

call me, crazy

2006-12-08T01:25:00.000-08:00

for the past four days my bux has been bombarded with prank phone calls. for whatever reason, some person is getting their jollies by calling my bux and asking ridiculous questions.

"what color is your atmosphere?" a heavily accented voice asked when my perky assistant manager answered the phone.
"excuse me?" perky assistant manager wasn't sure if she heard him correctly.
"what color is your atmosphere?" he asked again
"i'm sorry but i think you have the wrong number."
"WHAT. COLOR. IS. YOUR. ATMOSPHERE." he screamed at her.
"i'm hanging up now," perky assistant manager said before ending the call.

an hour later the phone rang again and this time i answered.
"how old is the glass?" asked the accented voice that i assumed had called earlier.
"four hundred thirty-two." i informed him and hung up.
apparently my method worked because he didn't call back for the rest of the night.
the next night, however, he was back to his old tricks. he called so many times that perky assistant manager told me she had to leave the phone off the hook.

last night when he called my barista buddy was the lucky person to pick up the phone.
"how cold is the toilet?" mr. prank asked.
"how old is the toilet?" barista buddy asked, deciding to play along with mr. prank.
"how cold is the toilet?" mr. prank repeated.
"how bold is the toilet?"
"HOW. COLD. IS. THE. TOILET."
"how gold is the toilet?" barista buddy was laughing now.
"you stupid bitch man! i get knife and i will cut!" mr. prank threatened, but barista buddy just hung up on him and turned the ringer off.

so tonight when i answered the phone and heard "what airplane is inside?" i responded with an "operator, this is the call we want traced. how soon will the police be there?".
amazingly mr. prank was the one to hang up and didn't call back for the rest of the night. we'll see if he wants to ask us more questions tomorrow.

barista rant: i fully expected the "i want a soy eggnog latte" requests, but i was not anticipating the "gimme an eggnog latte, but don't make it sweet" demand. when i informed you that eggnog is made with sugar, and there is no way to make it "not sweet" you huffed and said "i get it unsweetened all the time!". stupidly i tried to explain, yet again, that there was no way i could make your drink unsweetened. you rolled your eyes and asked for the manager. when he told you the very same thing you responded with a smile and said "oh! i didn't realize they were already sweetened. thanks for letting me know!".
may that eggnog go straight to your butt.

bizarre love triangle

2006-12-06T00:51:00.000-08:00

this week we have news of more district shuffling. this time it's not management drama - it's love trauma.

it's bux policy that lovers should not work in the same store - but it happens.
a lot.
when it does (or actually, when other people find out) one of the lovers must find another store to transfer to. usually it's not a big deal, although it can be an inconvenience. there are, however, those times when it IS a big deal. example: the barista that had to move stores because she had a threesome with her manager and his pregnant wife. no matter how "hush hush" the reason for her transfer was supposed to be - the green apron express could not be quelled and EVERYONE in the district knew why she had to change stores.

my bux is about receive a newly transferred barista of our own. no matter how many times my manager and perky assistant manager told us "not to gossip", by the end of the day even our customers knew the reason for the transfer.

the short version:
lesbian partner of ten years works for bux.
attractive hetero newbie who has a boyfriend is hired at same bux.
lesbian partner makes a play for hetero newbie.
lesbian partner "turns" newbie.
newbie breaks up with boyfriend and secretly starts dating lesbian partner.
newbie and lesbian partner move in together as "roommates".
guitar playing emo boy is hired at same bux.
newbie starts hanging out with guitar playing emo boy.
newbie starts sleeping with guitar playing emo boy.
lesbian partner finds out about hetero affair and confronts newbie - during their shift.
newbie decides emo boy is her soulmate and dumps lesbian partner, but wants to stay "roomies" (because emo boy still lives with his parents).
spurned lesbian partner torments emo boy when they have overlapping shifts.
newbie torments lesbian partner for tormenting emo boy.
drama gets waaaay out of hand and newbie is forced to transfer to my bux.
emo boy will transfer to another district and lesbian partner has taken a leave of absence.

i can bet money newbie and bitter old dude will try and outdo each other with their personal drama. either that or they become best friends.

customer rant: you screwed up four drinks in a row because you were on your cell phone when you should have been working. you know full well that cell phones aren't allowed on the floor, but it seems you believe that rule does not apply to you. not only that, you also seemed to feel it was well within your place to argue with a customer because she interrupted your conversation when she pointed out you'd made her drink incorrectly. leave the cell phone in the backroom where it belongs, and start doing what you're paid to do!

you pay for happy ending?

2006-12-04T00:40:00.000-08:00

sometimes customers like to talk with their baristas. and sometimes they like to banter and flirt. usually the banter is light and innocuous. sometimes the flirting borders on creepy.

tonight, for instance, a customer delivered a line that caused me to cringe: "would you sit in my latte to make it sweeter?"

SIT IN MY LATTE.

i guess he was going for the variation of "it's sweet just because you made it" or even "will you sweeten it a little more by putting your finger tip in it?" <-- still gross, by the way.
but asking me to SIT in his latte? that went way beyond flirting and straight to "strange uncle". he also informed me that he likes it "extra hot - and with extra whippage". but what really made me feel dirty was when he waved a dollar at me and said he was tipping because i always "do him right".
ugh.

it's not just the girl baristas that have to deal with this sort of customer. boy baristas also have their share of admirers. i used to work with a guy who looked like he belonged in a boy band. not only were the teen girlies hot for him, their mothers were as well. in fact he was propositioned by more than one desperate housewife looking for a "workout partner". one mother in particular was so aggressive that my fellow barista buddy started hiding whenever she'd come into the store. if she cornered him while he was at bar she would always ask him to add his "special sauce" to her drink.

so. very. wrong.

partner rant: you've been here for three months already! how long will it take for you to learn that "GTL" stand for "green tea lemonade" and not a "green tea latte"? i know all the symbols can be confusing, and many of them are similar, but you make this mistake EVERY SINGLE DAY! why can't you learn to differentiate between "GTL" and "GRTL"? it's not rocket-science!

butterfly catcher

2006-11-30T23:13:00.000-08:00

we have a regular kid who comes in everyday after school on her rollerblades and orders a "rainbow water" (one pump of each syrup in a venti iced water). we call her 'butterfly' because she flits about the store, talking to total strangers and dancing on her blades. she normally is just a small annoyance, but lately she's been acting like an entitled beast.

last week she expected us to give her a free refill of her rainbow water just because she's in our store "all the time!". she's also been bold enough to ask us baristas to give her a ride home when she doesn't feel like blading to her house (which apparently is "only three blocks away"). and once she even tried to go into our backroom because she'd "never seen one before!".

this afternoon, however, she went above and beyond.
because she's in our store nearly everyday she knows where we keep our phone. since none of us baristas were willing to give her a ride home (not that we've ever been willing) she decided to go behind our counter and grab the phone so she could call her mother.

"hello? hell-ooooo! can you hurry it up because i need to use the phone!" butterfly was yelling into the receiver.
"hang up that phone and get out from behind the counter!" i was pissed and made no attempt to sound nice.
"i need to use the phone but someone is talking!" she cried out and started pushing numbers on the dial pad.

yup, indeed. our manager was having (yet another) serious conversation with our district manager when butterfly picked up the receiver and started hollering into it. butterfly tried to argue with me as i took the phone from her, hung it up and chased her out from behind the counter.

"but i just needed to use the phone for a second!" she whined.
"don't you EVER do that again," i scolded her like she was a bad dog. "if you can't behave then you better quit coming here."

my manager came out from the backroom ready to kill. butterfly sat her butt down in a chair and acted like nothing happened. when my manager went back to his phone call butterfly bladed her way to the front counter and started taking quarters out the tip jar. i had to fight the urge to slap her hand away.

"i need change for the pay phone." she said when i told her to put the money back.
"put the money back and get out of the store." i gave her the evil eye.
"well," she pouted. "will you give me money for a taxi?"

unfortunately my manager won't ban the butterfly. i can't wait to see what she pulls tomorrow.

partner rant: you've been begging for more shifts. you complain that you need hours. so when a fellow partner offered you one of their shifts you readily accepted. well, why the hell didn't you show up for the shift? not only were you a no-show, you didn't answer your phone when we called. thanks for screwing over the morning crew. because of that we had to play catch up for the rest of the day.

krazy kids

2006-11-28T23:46:00.000-08:00

a barista from another bux sent me this gem:

I'm an SBUX barista. Thought I'd share my story from this evening.

Scene: A couple comes in, with their two young daughters. They get their beverages, kids beverages etc.

The couple proceeds to enjoy their evening in our SBUX, without a care in the world- especially about their kids. Apparently, in addition to fixing their beverages it seemed they believed we provided babysitting services as well. The girls proceeded to run around the store making lots of noise, arranging our holiday bearistas throughout the store, putting their grimy little fingers all over our holiday merchandise etc.

After a LONG while, they all disappeared...outside. As you probably imagined, they left their table full of empty cups and trash...along with a sippy cup, cigarettes, and almost full bottle of Ethos. I admit, I did notice the girls running around on our patio. But I decided they had left for the evening, and I needed to clean their mess. So I threw everything away ;)

About 10 minutes later, they all came back in (after their smoke)...and inquired about the stuff on the table. Most apologetically (of course) I told them we thought they had left for the evening and that the table was cleaned.

They whined about the lost sippy cup...and most especially about the cigarettes. So I walked them over to the trash and pulled out the sippy cup- I even offered to put it in our sanitizer (how legendary!!!). "But what about my cigarettes? That was half a pack!," Dad cried. "Is it in the trash, too?" Gee, I told him, I don't see them (and I'm not digging). So very, very sorry!

Oh, and get this- they declined the sippy cup sanitizing, and handed the just-removed-from-the-trash sippy cup to their kid. Lovely.

Next time, watch your damn kids or get a sitter, pal. Oh, and clean up your own mess.

there must have been something in the air because the children at my bux have been particularly unruly as well. one parent sat by while her daughter tossed cheerios on the ground. if that wasn't bad enough, the kid then proceeded to stomp on the cheerios until her section of floor was covered in cereal dust. what did the mother do?
nothing.
not a damn thing.

and there was the set of twins who decided it would be fun to squish all the sandwiches in our food case. dad just said "don't do that" and turned his attention back to the sports page. too bad i was all out of "parent of the week" awards.

barista rant: i know it's cool to use our wireless access, and really - we don't mind if you sit all day long at a table with your laptop. we do, however, get a little fussy when you take up THREE tables with your set up of two monitors, a keyboard, and a printer. a friggen' printer! we are not your home office, so please don't act as if you own the place.

jingle bux

2006-11-27T02:12:00.000-08:00

'tis the season to order disgusting drinks.

apparently this was the weekend to go wild when ordering drinks. one or two additions was not enough. getting soymilk instead of regular milk was just too mundane. our customers wouldn't rest until EVERY box on the cup had a modifier. here are some of the more "memorable" customized holiday drinks (for the extra disgusting elements i've used capital letters).

a half-caff venti, two pump maple, half eggnog half WHIPPING CREAM, caramel drizzle latte - now many baristas think eggnog is perfectly disgusting as-is. i just hate the banshee-like scream that emits from the pitcher when we steam it. when someone orders pure eggnog (that hasn't been cut by milk) the whole store suffers from temporary deafness. this customer wanted us to cut the eggnog with WHIPPING CREAM instead of milk. it felt like making a latte out of butter, it was so thick.

an iced solo grande, FIVE PUMP CINNAMON, percent, with whip, peppermint mocha - in addition to the 8 pumps of syrup that are ALREADY included in grande peppermint mochas - this customer wanted 5 EXTRA pumps. not only did this customer want 13 pumps of syrup total, they wanted us to use one LESS shot of espresso because "it's not sweet enough with two shots of espresso!".

a grande gingerbread frappuccino light with 4 SPLENDA - this customer thought this drink would somehow be healthier if she added extra splenda. even though we explained to her that frappuccino lights are not completely sugar-free, and that the gingerbread syrup is load with sugar, she still insisted that extra splenda made for a lower calorie drink.

putting breve foam on my misto is about as crazy as i get with my drink - and i only do it if i'm working. i'd never walk into a bux and expect them to steam breve foam for my coffee. anyone care to discuss their craziest drink in the comment box?

barista rant: i know it's natural. i know sometimes it can't be helped. but waiting until you're ordering your coffee to let one rip is a special kind of crazy. the satisfied look on your face after you'd farted loud enough to shake the windows was not only creepy, it was cringe-inducing. asking us "want to hear it again? i'm sure i can squeeze another one out" permanently put you on the customer shame list. please refrain from using chemical warfare on the baristas. we'd much rather you bitch at us than pitch at us.

two for the price of none

2006-11-25T01:26:00.000-08:00

there's an older couple that regularly comes into my bux. they both want grande mistos, as well as venti ice waters, and two large cups of milk - but all for under a buck. we baristas call them the moochers.

mr. and mrs. moocher bring in stainless steel mugs that were last scrubbed clean when nixon was in office. they ask for two refills, but only half filled with coffee and the other half steamed milk (which is a 'misto). besides their "refills" they want two venti cups of ice water, two empty venti hot cups and lids - and of course a tray to carry all their booty.

mr. and mrs. moocher insist we charge them the price of a refill (even though this is their first and only coffees of the day) AND they bitch and moan if we don't give them 10 cents off each "refill" since they bring in their own cups. uh, excuse me but a refill means you already have a cup and it is being RE-filled, not filled for the first time. mr. and mrs. moocher don't care. they still feel entitled to only pay 40 cents for their mistos. they also think bux is their personal milk supplier, because they take the empty cups we've given them and fill them full of milk from the condiment bar.

so let's recap: two large ice waters, 16 ounces of hot coffee, 16 ounces of steamed milk, 20 ounces of cold regular milk and 20 ounces of cold non-fat milk for the low, low price of 80 cents. not only that - they have the nerve to suggest we give them all this for free on occasion because they're "such good customers".
i'm happy to admit that i've gone against direct orders from both my manager and assistant manager. i am not complying with the "just say yes" mentality. sure i still give them their ice waters and their mistos at the price of a refill, but i won't give them the empty cups, nor do i give them the cup discounts. even when the inform me that they've always been charged 80 cents, and that manager told them they could have empty cups - i play dumb and say "i'm sorry but we were told we can't do that anymore." apparently i've gotten under their skin because they are frequenting my bux less and less.
and no, i'm not missing them a bit.

partner rant: if you're going to lie, at least make an effort! yesterday you begged to go home early because you wanted to spend a little time with your mother before she flew up north this morning. then tonight you bitched because your mother wants you to take her to the doctor's office on monday. uh, excuse me, but isn't that going to be hard since she's supposed to be in ANOTHER state! when we called you on it, you stuttered and mumbled - finally settling on, "oh, i meant my girlfriend's mother". when we reminded you that you took a week off last month because you had to help plan your girlfriend's mother's funeral, you changed your story again and said "uh, i meant her step-mother". you should carry around a cheat sheet so you can keep better track of your lies.

whip it good

2006-11-22T00:29:00.000-08:00

today was a day i actually felt sorry for my manager. not only did he have to spend nearly an hour on the phone trying to get our POS systems back online, he also had the displeasure of being our district manager's whipping boy for the day.

apparently the higher ups did a tour of some of the stores in the district and my bux fell short on a few things.
included on the list:
- crumbs in the sink
- fingerprints on the register touch-screens (are you friggen' kidding me?!?)
- partners calling out "caramel frappuccino" instead of "caramel frappuccino blended beverage" (previously so long as we didn't say "frapps" or "ice blendeds" we were a-ok)
- barista telling a customer "thanks! have a good one!" instead of "thank you! have a nice day!"
- crowded backroom
- newbie with a button missing from his collar
- shift supervisor with multiple piercings in her ear (she has an industrial bar so they counted that as two piercings instead of one)

all these were in addition to the normal things higher ups complain about: store not clean enough, partners not fast enough, pastries not pretty enough, sugar not white enough, yadda, yadda, yadda.

now i understand that a corporation as large as bux needs to be insistent upon cleanliness and speed of service. i know it's important to have standards and rules and i know customers want a quality product each and every time they shell out the big bucks for their customized drinks. i also know that nit-picking never helps achieve these goals. i'm not saying upper management should turn a blind eye, or that they should lower company standards, but giving us a lecture because our touch-screens (which customers DON'T see) aren't cleaned every ten minutes is ridiculous - as is trying to monitor the way we thank our customers and bid them well.

what the higher ups seem to forget is this: happy baristas = happy customers.
seriously.
the baristas that give the best service and keep the cleanest stores are the ones that feel supported and appreciated by their management team - including district and regional managers. they are the ones that have no fear they'll be scheduled to open the morning after they were scheduled to close. they are the ones that receive MUG awards when they go the extra mile for their fellow baristas. and they are the ones that are offered promotions in a timely manner, instead of watching un-deserving partners move up the ladder just because they have open availability.

unfortunately it doesn't seem as if the higher ups will remember this any time soon.

partner rant: sorry if we didn't sing your praises when you informed us we could close early on thanksgiving day. i know closing early is a treat but it's hard to get excited when you're only giving us a thirty minute gift. seriously - why have us close early at all? most people i know eat their turkey in the early afternoon - not at 11 at night. so why did you say "good news! you get to go home early and spend the holiday with your families!"? at least have the beans to be honest and say "well, we would have made you keep normal hours, but we knew you'd riot so we decided to throw you an under-nourished bone".

peek-a-ball

2006-11-19T23:42:00.000-08:00

tonight was one of the strangest shifts i've ever worked.

apparently a new gay fetish club opened it's doors somewhere near my bux because we had a fifteen-minute rush of men (all ages and sizes), dressed in latex and adorned with chains, ordering shots of espresso. a few of them were regular customers and it was quite a shock to see them in their clubbing gear.

then there was the ten-year old girl who threw a hissy fit when her grandmother dared order a tall instead of grande vanilla bean frappuccino. the girl literally slapped her hand over her grandmother's mouth and screamed "NOOOOOO!" while jumping up and down. her grandmother gave me a sheepish smile and again tried to order a tall, but the girl only screamed louder (and added more syllables).
"NOOO-OH-OH-OH-OOOO!" she pressed both her hands against her grandmother's mouth.
grandmother then tried to use her eyes to communicate with me since the girl was keeping her from talking.
"I WANT A GRANDE! A GRA-AH-AH-ANDE!" she cried and howled.
so grandmother relented and the girl never uttered another peep while in my bux.

and last, but not least, was the older gentleman who didn't realize his testicle had made a break from his shorts. he was sitting at the corner table (out of direct view of the baristas) working on his laptop. a customer sitting at another table was the one to inform us of his "wardrobe malfunction". we were pretty sure his "slippage" wasn't intentional but none of us wanted to be the bearer of bald news. so, instead of drawing straws, we wrote a note that said, "I'm afraid you've fallen out of your shorts" and picked the only male barista on duty to deliver it.
the barista told the rest of us that when the gentleman read the note his eyes practically fell out of his head. he gathered his belongings quickly and rushed out of the store. i hope he knew we weren't making fun of him and only wanted to save him further embarrassment.

barista rant: if your pastry was stale, you should have let us know before you consumed the entire thing. not only was it rude of you to bitch out the newbie on register, it was stupid to expect we'd give a cash refund for the contents of your stomach. when realizing your complaints were falling on deaf ears, you then asked for another pasty to "make up" for the one you claimed was inedible. when we refused you threatened to sue us for food poisoning. really, it was fun to watch you pout when we handed you the phone number to our corporate offices.